' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: May 2013

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Adoption 'builds' a family but always subtracts from another


Jane
When most people think of adoption, they think of a family adding a member; they do not automatically think of subtracting someone from another family, but that is what comes to our mind when hear of an adoption.

Adoption challenges the definition of family. It can create a mind-boggling web of relationships and nagging questions for adoptees about where they fit. Just like the quagmire first parents face when asked "how many children do you have?" adoptees encounter questions such as "how many brothers and sisters do you have?" Do they include only their siblings by adoption, or if they know them, their biological siblings as well?

Monday, May 27, 2013

Irrational fear drives adoption laws in Washington State

Washington Adoptee Rights Advocates in Olympia
Laws allowing first mothers to prevent their son or daughter from obtaining his or her original birth certificate are wrong--as wrong as the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) continuing to bar gay leaders is wrong. These provisions penalize a group because an individual member of that group may cause harm. Not only are these restrictions a fundamental violation of due process, they perpetuate the false suppositions--that gay troop leaders are likely to molest children, and that adoptees will track down their natural mothers to do them harm. 

Friday, May 24, 2013

Lobbying for adoptee rights--how to write to a legislator

Lorraine
In these last few weeks, First Mother Forum has focused somewhat on legislation, because now is the time when bills get passed. People sometimes ask how to write to a legislator because it seems to daunting the first time. But it shouldn't be. 

So how to begin? First, let the recipient know your connection to him, especially if you are writing your legislator--you vote for him, or her, she is going to pay attention to what you have to say. Sometimes this information may be obvious from the return address on the stationary, but in email you need to say it. 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Does everyone have a basic need to know the truth of their origins?

Wading into the unknown--photo by ken robbins
Can an individual who doesn't instinctively understand about the need for everyone to know his or her true and original identity be made to change his mind?

I don't know. After a conversation I had the other night it seems unlikely--unlikely at least that a non-adopted person can move the heart and mind of anyone who knows an adoptee who professes no need to know, and is, for all the world to see, a well adjusted, successful, happy individual. But I cannot help think this: Since curiosity is the sign of intelligent life, how can an otherwise intelligent person not be interested in the story of his own life?

Monday, May 20, 2013

The Child Catchers exposes the stench of international adoption--and domestic adoption too

Kathryn Joyce
Journalist Kathryn Joyce takes on domestic infant adoption and international adoption in her new book, The Child Catchers, forcefully demonstrating its unsavory realities, including how it exploits vulnerable mothers. While the general public may believe adoption is a win-win solution that saves children, builds families, and allows poor biological mothers to get on with their lives, Joyce portrays it as the billion dollar industry it is, fueled by money, religious fervor, the high demand for children, and misguided altruism. She backs up her claims with scrupulous research--visits to foreign orphanages and adoption facilities, interviews with adoption practitioners, narratives of adoptees and first parents, statistical data, marketing materials, and media reports.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Embryo 'adoption' just creeps us out

Jane
 A reader asked us what we think about embryo adoption. She and her husband have nine embryos left over after creating a baby through in vitro fertilization. She cannot carry another child, but she and her husband do not want to destroy the frozen embryos or donate them to science, which is basically the same thing.

The idea of creating a child to be raised by genetic strangers is just wrong. Child adoption at least has a socially valuable underpinning--to provide a home for a child who needs one. Embryo adoption exists solely to meet the needs of adults, those who believe life begins at conception and those who want children.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Joyce Brothers touted the advantages of being adopted

photo by Marty Liederhandler of AP
Pop psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers who died yesterday was a pillar of the old adoption mindset that we are still combating today. She was the Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil of an earlier era, and the first to dispense advice to the masses with the patina of a psychology degree behind it. She was syndicated in hundreds of newspapers, and her charming, reassuring demeanor appealed to television audiences. Reading a few of her old columns gives us a window on the world in the Seventies and Eighties.

In 1976, she "strongly" advised a woman who got pregnant by "mistake," and who wants to go to law school, to consider adoption. "Several studies indicate that illegitimate children who are adopted fare better than those who remain with the natural parent," Brothers wrote. "The adopted are generally more confident and better adapted socially. "

Saturday, May 11, 2013

When I had my first child, I regret not asking my mother for help

Jane
First mothers often ask me "wouldn't your mother help you keep your baby?" The unspoken assumption is that if my mother has offered to help me, I would have kept my daughter.

When my surrendered daughter, Rebecca, was born in 1966 white mothers commonly pressured their daughters to give up their babies. Others flat-out refused to help, threatening "If you bring that baby home, you can't live here." Between World War II and Row v. Wade, adoption was THE solution for unwed pregnancies in white middle-class families. These grandmothers-to-be were not unkind; they had bought into adoption mythology and firmly believed that adoption was the best for all concerned.


"No," I answer, "she didn't know about the pregnancy." I add quickly, "I am sure my mother would have helped me; she would not have wanted her grandchild to go to strangers.

My answer comes as a surprise.  Then the follow up question:  "Did she ever find out?"

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

It's 'Mother's' Day again. And 'Birth' Mother's Day too.

My daughter's Mother's Day card one year
Here it comes again, Mother's Day, impossible to miss because of the incessant ads that pop up everywhere, reminding us of our own fractured motherhood. I've been through the gamut of emotions about Mother's Day, beginning when I did not know where my daughter was, and my own mother did not even know my daughter existed, to those years after reunion when I spent the week preceding the big day hoping she would remember me in some small way. She usually did not. Oh heavy was my heart!

While I was feeling sorry for myself, I always imagined a big celebration going on with her adoptive mother--card, dinner, what-have-you. There were other children, and her adoptive father who was not likely to let any of them forget. I don't know if that was the case because I never asked. 

But one year, I got a wonderful hand-made card that said:
To my Other Mother. Inside it says: "I couldn't find a card that defined our relationship, but then all that truly matters is that I let you know, I Love You. Happy Mothers day LORRAINE, love

Saturday, May 4, 2013

If you can get pregnant, you should be able to get Plan B

Girls under 15 can surrender their newborn for adoption without parental consent. If they wish to keep their pregnancy secret, they can give birth alone and leave their baby at a fire house. But they're incapable of deciding to take Plan B to prevent pregnancy, for that, asserts President Obama, they must have a doctor's prescription.

Obama takes this position in spite of the fact that the Food and Drug Administration pronounced Plan B safe for females of all ages. Needless to say, few girls under 15 will have the resources to go to a doctor on their own. Those who are afraid to tell their parents about their sexual encounter risk becoming pregnant and facing the more complicated consequences to follow--whether abortion, or carrying a child to term. Obama may truly be concerned with the health risks of Plan B (rather than say pandering to extremists)  but both abortion and carrying a child to term create greater health risks for young girls than Plan B.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Remembering my mother on the anniversary of her death

My mother in her twenties
Fourteen years ago today my mother died. For many years we had a difficult time as mother and daughter.  I did not want to grow up to be like my mother for I did not want to be a housewife, and I knew this from a very early age--like five. So I generally rebelled when it came to learning how to do home ec kinds of things--such as sewing (which she was very good at), and cooking (until I could do it on my own). I felt in so many ways like such a disappointment to her. I know she wished we could have been closer during my teenage years, but instead we argued and, when I was at home, I stayed locked up in my room, reading.

But though she did not fully understand at first the kind of woman I would grow up to be, when I look back I see how she encouraged me all along. When my father said, Girls don't go to college, she took my side. So instead of home ec, I was able to sign up for Latin and algebra in high school. When my father couldn't imagine that I really was going to go to college, she drove me to the interview and we did not tell my father. When I was accepted, I shared the news with her, and her alone. After my father had a