' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Such a paradox is this conundrum

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Such a paradox is this conundrum

August, 16,1974, after reading the introduction to In Search of Origins: The Experiences of Adopted (1973, London) people by by John Triseliotis.

I think:
How is she? And the introduction
the more adjusted
and happy
the less
she needs me.
Even in my ethereal form
of the void of the present silence
I want
that she be happy.
(however she perceives such).
O God
please I beg on the crusts of my soul
that she is searching
and curious.
funny--such a paradox
as is this conundrum.

1 comment :

  1. Here is a poem I wrote in 1976, same era.


    For My Grandmother Annie

    I found my past today
    stored in drawers
    births, deaths, marriages
    beginning, end, and life between

    "Mary Golba entered into eternal life
    on January 5, 1975"
    Peter, seventh child of John Manning
    and Annie Devlin (the best of the lot,
    she said) was born, like all the others
    at home.

    Wills and deeds and policies, official papers
    with seals, and Mass cards with different names,
    gilded angels and saints and the same prayer
    on the other side... "Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord,
    and may perpetual light shine..." May perpetual
    unending unbending enveloping light
    illuminate your long road, reveal my shame, make merciful
    the guardians
    of papers

    "Whereas I, Mary Anne Manning, am unable to properly
    support, educate, care for said child..."
    whereas I am unable to say No
    "I hearby sign, consent, surrender ..." (Don’t shoot-I have
    thrown out my weapons, have cut off my hands...)

    I hearby sign, consent, surrender, "desire that this document
    be accepted by all persons as expressing my
    irrevocable intention..." irreversible sentence--eternal rest grant
    unto them that seal their own doom, a child crying, seven years
    I am burning.....

    May perpetual light shine on them
    who did not change your name
    your name I gave
    your own--I did not know

    Anne Devlin Manning
    beloved mother of John , Harry, Hugh, Francis, Mary, Anne, Peter
    Wife of John
    Died January 8 1943 secure
    in the hope of heaven, believing
    the child she named Michael, who died,
    as the children of the poor have always died,
    Was waiting.

    Mary Anne born January 7
    after the War
    named for her grandmothers
    named her son Michael
    and gave him away
    Does Annie know ?

    I signed without reading, or read
    without memory, without hope--No reprieve...
    I wore a dark dress my hair pinned back
    death in my eyes--Court of the damned--across from me
    an old woman,Puerto Rican, worn, beautiful--I see every line
    in her face, every move, I have died, I surrender...

    Seven years--I had forgotten
    The Papers.

    Peter, son of Anne and John, husband of Eleanor
    father of Mary Anne and Peter
    brother of long-dead unspoken Michael
    grandfather of Michael soon to be lost
    between the ghosts of shame and sorrow

    Who never raised his voice who never
    showed his soul
    stands in silence, stands in tears
    as I sign, consent, surrender
    the only time I saw him cry...

    Eternal rest, eternal silence, Why
    did no one speak their mind ?

    Michael--child of silence, child of grief
    and love--Annie’s certain heaven
    does not wait for me
    They said they kept your name, and the faith
    I left, the faith of Annie, who prayed
    for her lost son, her Michael...

    Eternity is a long road, and I don’t know
    how many times, with how many faces
    you’ve tried to reach your home

    Just reach enough for one more try,
    seven years, four times seven
    until you reach my door
    Your past, your pain, your deliverance
    lie with mine, my baby lost

    locked in Papers
    stored in drawers



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