' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: A commentor objects to my objection to her comment

Monday, April 12, 2010

A commentor objects to my objection to her comment

 Upstate Mom of 3 very offended by last blog; considered it a personal attack; upset that I used the "moniker" she uses at her blog. Hard to understand why since I was pretty gentle. I think she was partly upset I used (sic) where necessary when I repeated her comment. Read her offended response:

Please accept my apologies

No comment.--lorraine 

NOTE: Both UpstateMomof3 and an anonymous other adoptive mother have removed their comments about lying on the census form. 


  1. I didn't find her comment offensive, I didn't find your post about her comment offensive.

    It irked me that there was a comment in the post where the comment was that you made a post about that called a birth mother "that BM"

    Whatever - this is your blog, you can have people being derogatory about whoever you wish!

    I don't know if all people who adopt from Ethiopia or the other country that I can't for the life of me spell are all bad people. I don't know if every single adoption from those places is unethical.

    Really I don't know.

    I find this forum is always focusing on the negative aspects of reunion and adoption. That's ok, God knows there isn't much positive to be said about adoption. There is plenty good can be said about reunion though.

    I do remember when someone wanted to post positive things about adoption for the whole month of November I was not pleased!

    I think it's done well so far to avoid too many flame wars though don't you? Well done everyone.

  2. Ah, the drama...been there Lorraine, I know how you feel. It's too bad she isn't mature enough to see that her comment was debatable so you debated it in a post.....I don't understand why she has her panties in a twist especially considering the comments she allowed on her post about you-calling you mean, indicating what you wrote was dirty. What a hypocrite! It's too bad she isn't mature enough either to see that Adopted kids ARE Adopted. A fact is a fact, a reality is a reality and telling the census who is and who isn't Adopted does'nt change anything. I wonder if Upstate Mom likes debating so much because she bought stock from the Bayer Company.....I know I'm running to get some aspirin right now and all I did was read her post!

  3. I didn't see anything offensive or critical of Upstate Mom, in your blog. You are both bloggers and expressing different points of view.

    I just don't get it that so many people are all over the internet with blogs and on Facebook sharing their opinion but the second anyone suggests that they disagree or see the situation differently; they get accused of attacking the blogger.

    I've even seen some bloggers post that they do not want dissenters to post - their blog is their place to express themselves. Then why don't they keep it private, I have to wonder?

    I think Improper Adoptee is correct, it is maturity and even intellectual curiosity which encourages different points of view and healthy debate without name calling or character assassinating that makes a blog interesting to subscribe to and read.

    You do that so well here, Lorraine and that's why there is so much activity.

  4. This was my last comment to her:

    I re-read everything. You were being a wee bit impolite with your comment and trying to be clever. You were also saying it doesn't matter if someone is adopted or not. Lorraine was saying that we need to know how many people are adopted and where they come from that is why the Cencus is important.
    The fact that you went on about surrogate and egg donations ect you were trying to be clever. It's not a forum for that. It backfired on you. Lorraine is not one to be overly emotional, she's a professional writer so she just wrote it how she saw it and didn't gush and goo at you.

    Really you have no business being there writing about egg donations and all that nonsense, you were being passive agressive and it backfired on you.

    It still didn't offend me, it doesn't make you a mean person. But really, what did you expect?

    I really don't think she meant any harm though...

    I started a reunion forum because I would like to be able to dialogue with other mothers and adoptees specifically about reunion issues. Hope it's ok to post the link here?


  5. You're right Carol C-Lorraine has a grace, class, tact and humility and is an exceptional writer. And this is why her blog is such a success! Despite Upstate Moms harsh words to you Lorraine, please know there are more of us on YOUR side.

  6. I didn't find you rude at all.

    Whenever I am posting something on the internet, all-the-while knowing I very well could be quoted, I use spell check! Unfortunately, it is the old version of bloggers blog entry that has the spell-checker. The newer version doesn't so I admit, there are times when I don't even check spelling. Using "sic" is the appropriate way of quoting another person. Perhaps she did not know what "sic" meant and thought?

    I'm personally tired of people claiming adopted children are no different than biological children. Not only is that a complete denial of my pain and special challenges that I faced growing up but it puts yet again, the agenda of the adoptive parent over top of the adopted child. Adopted children are different. Mental health research TELLS us this. Is all of this really about the children or the fact that adoptive MOTHERS don't want to be pointed out differently than other mothers????

    I offended the pants off of someone yesterday by clarifying to them that adoption is about the CHILDREN, not about resolving grief for parents. WHY is thinking of the children first SO offensive?

  7. Two things, the first being a typo (as usual, LoL):

    You're right Carol C-Lorraine has a grace, class, tact and humility and is an exceptional writer.

    There isn't supposed to be an a before grace, class, tact and humility. Sorry Lorriane.
    And secondly, the original intent on my first comment about Upstate Mom, that I forgot to include, was I get upset when AM's like her complain about a legal and realistic fact that their Adopted children are Adopted, because her and other AM's emotions about telling people they are Adopted which they do not like to do, have lead to extremes like Attachment Therapy, which we all know is insane and deadly. This is why I made the first comment I made to begin with-these women-their thinking not logical to me-they go through all these processes TO Adopt a child, they tell the entire world on the internet they WANT to Adopt a child, and they HAVE Adopted a child, yet when someone asks is your child Adopted? they get annoyed. Beats me....

  8. my!! its soooo nice to be and read this blog...birthmother here., such insightful, intelligent , sincere words coming from Kimkim,Carolc,and Amanda!!!!!

    anything else posted here just wasnt credible and worth reading at all!!!

  9. Is there a question on the census asking people if they've had a child and given it up for adoption?

    I imagine that would be helpful for adoption research and reform also.

  10. Campbell, that would truly be an amazing question to ask...I can imagine that there would be a lot of lying because we know there are many birth/first mothers still in the closet. And even if they are not, it is still a stigma to be "one of those women." I remember when a famous psychologist told my girl friend, whom he was dating, that she "didn't want to end up like me." When I heard that, it certainly took me aback, and I thought, well, right, I wouldn't chose to "end up like me," a birth/first mother that is. Strikes me as one of the worst categories in the world to belong to.

  11. Lorraine, you beat me to the punch. I was going to say almost the same thing. Campbell's comment reminded me of a Birthmother Day I attended in NYC about a decade ago, when one of the birthmothers make a comment about none of us ever said, "I want to be a birthmother when I grow up!

    As helpful as the information might be to adoption research and reform, I fear it would continue to stigmatize/traumatize/perpetuate the notion that birthmothers are "less than."



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