' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Dealing with an adoptee's 'no contact' request

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Dealing with an adoptee's 'no contact' request

How should we first/birth mothers respond to a relinquished son or daughter who is unwilling to have contact? is a discussion that began in the last blog post. It is a question I've heard many times and also had to deal with myself--and now with my (adopted out*) granddaughter.

What's difficult for us birth mothers is to know when we might send them a note or an email or a card because we find it hard to believe they don't want to know, somehow, that we are still thinking of them. I've heard adoptees say that they did appreciate getting that one card on their birthday--it answered the questions: Does my birth mother think ever think of me? Is she thinking of me on my birthday? Does she even remember my birthday? 

But then I've also heard adoptees who say they dreaded when their birthdays were coming because they might get such a card in the mail, and it made them feel as if they were being stalked. One birth mother sent me her daughter's letter saying just that. Ouch. If there ever was a Catch 22, this is it.

For this, there are no hard and fast rules as to what is best. Each of us must do what lies in our hearts, and hope that our action-- an email, a birthday or holiday greeting--is received warmly. But no one can read the heart of the other. Since my 26-year-relationship with my daughter involved periods of silence that lasted more than a year at times, I sometimes broke the ice and made a phone call, but more often then not she was the one who called and we were back in the business of mother and daughter. I have a vivid memory of one birthday of my daughter Jane when I knew--I just knew--that she did not want me to call, and Linda, a birth mother friend, called me when I was in the depths of despair. It was the spring of Jane's last year on earth. It was so comforting to talk to Linda, and simply have be with me on the phone while I wept. My husband has been great about everything connected with Jane, and then my granddaughter whom Jane relinquished to adoption, but there are times another birth mother is better than anyone.  

Emotionally, it was exhausting when Jane retreated and I wondered what to do. Maryanne, who wrote about her own off/on relationship with her surrendered oldest son in the comments to the last blog, seems to have managed it as well as anyone could. My own relationship with my granddaughter, after what seemed like such a positive beginning two years ago, took a turn into "no contact wanted" in the fall. Many of you know about her as--with her permission--I had written extensively about our meeting and burgeoning relationship. We went from frequent emails and phone calls, before and after a week-long visit here after I sent her a plane ticket, to her slowly drifting off a year later. I had opened my heart and home, and so did my husband. I was planning what family heirlooms I would one day give her. When she didn't answer an email, when the last phone call had been somewhat strained, I emailed and asked again, in one sentence, what was up. No response. I asked again in a note that was barely more than a I felt like a jilted lover who had not been told the relationship was off. Only the week before I had sent her a scarf in colors I thought would look great on her. Now I felt like a fool.

An email finally came, telling me she was happy now, that the last two years had been emotionally roiling, and now she wanted "no contact" for an indefinite time being. In fact, she said she was annoyed that I had emailed her after she had not responded to other emails. Her email was actually a relief to receive, because I needed more clarity and closure than her just slip sliding away.  

But of course I was sad. However, there were other things in her email (that I am not going into) that made me somewhat angry, and instead of  "no contact" I wrote her back and calmly but firmly answered her charges, adding that I would always be open to a relationship and signed off Love because that is still how I feel.

Responding like that felt better than just lying down and taking more punishment for having given up her mother. I had not given my granddaughter up, and tried unsuccessfully to talk my daughter into letting her father and his mother raise her. But like the women who flee to Utah, that adoption-friendly state, to relinquish their children when the birth fathers object, my daughter Jane could not be persuaded otherwise. And in 1986, in the state of Wisconsin, the system did not side with the father. However, that was a long time ago. Now I was dealing with the reality of a grown-up women. I don't know what caused the change in attitude; it began right after she met her father. I heard it in her voice, read it in her emails.

Jane's pregnancy occurred during one of our breaks and we had not been in contact during her pregnancy. It is likely that she told the father of her baby terrible things about me; I don't know. I called her on her birthday, however, and learned then that she had given birth two days earlier, and we resumed a fast relationship, on the phone a couple of times a day for a while. She and Lisa's father were no longer together, and she would have never told him I was in favor of his keeping Lisa. She said things about him that I could not verify, but doubted, knowing they would make me think he was unfit. Jane visited in a couple of months after the birth, and was still incredibly raw.

I have punished myself a great deal for having given up her mother for adoption, even though it happened when I felt I had no choice. But in the way it feels, that doesn't seem to salve much of the emotional anguish, no matter what we tell ourselves. But not answering my granddaughter's charges would have felt like standing there and let her continue the emotional whipping. Some part of me said, Been there, done that. Enough. If you want a relationship, I'm not playing the victim, always apologizing for some imaginary line I've crossed--even if the problem was as you say that I contacted you first. Yes, I did, and you came, you saw, you took. All that is within your right as a member of my family, my granddaughter. But now if you want a relationship, it has to be on another footing than me merely being apologetic and afraid.

The holidays were harder this year than last because of this. I admit I talked myself into thinking I did not feel as bad as I really did--she wasn't my daughter, I didn't give her up, right? Instead of crying, I had a sinus infection much of the fall, and it came back the week before Christmas. We cancelled our usual Christmas Eve trip to New Jersey to spend a boisterous evening with my husband's many nieces and nephews, and their kids. Acupuncture released the sadness a few days before Christmas, and I spent a day-and-a-half weeping on and off, realizing this was a lot healthier than holding it in like a hard ball in my heart, my head, my gut. I thought I had everything under control when a relatively new friend (who knows my story) approached me in the supermarket, and the tears just flew out again. After the tears ended, I was able to have quite a good holiday with friends who live nearby, some of whom know my story, most of with whom I never talk about this issue. Christmas Eve--a very big deal for me with my Polish family background--was at the home of the friend I ran into at the supermarket, and it was a good evening--not a single word about adoption.

I have no idea if I will ever hear from my granddaughter again. At our age, one does think about dying; I also have no idea if I would want my husband to let her know if I were sick, or dying, or if he or my family would.  That's "contact." That requires her to make a decision. Maybe, now, I don't want to know how she would react.

Reflecting on this I am amused that in the "positive adoption language" that is social-worker/adoptive parent speakese, it is "preferred" to change the tense of being adopted. Preferred lingo is "He was adopted," not "He is adopted," as if adoption was a one-time act that did not color the rest of one's life, whether you are mother or child.

A cosmic Ha! to that.--lorraine
* The language is weird, I know, but I write this for people who may not be familiar with life's continuing saga played out here at First Mother Forum, and adopted out does make its meaning clear; I picked it up from an adoptee blog.

More: Meeting my "Adopted" granddaughter
Conversations with my daughter, Part 4
Forty-five years later, I still regret giving up my daughter.
'Positive' Adoption Language


  1. Jeez Lorraine, this adoption crap never ends... it seems to ripple through the generations. I am so sorry about the 'no contact'. I don't understand it. Even if/when someone is overwhelmed, they can do the decent thing and just say that. But the don't call me, don't email me, don't send me a card on my birthday seems really harsh. Sigh... :(

  2. You weren't kidding when you said there was something in the water. Like you I've spent a few weekends recently weeping on and off. This weekend being one of them. It's hard when you go from what seems like a great relationship for quite a few years and to suddenly being kept at arms length for months with no clue why. Sometimes it's just hard to take and the tears have to happen. (the first 3 letters in the word verification are "cry") How appropriate.

  3. Lorraine, my daughter pulled the same thing and yet she always comes to my blog. I finally, because of the emotional toll it was taking on me (being stalked by someone that will download pics off your blog, etc., is freaky) I blocked her IP. Unfortunately, she apparently came here and commented. It is sad. Truly sad when a person can't be honest and real with themselves or anyone else.

    I am with Elaine... "I'm overwhelmed" is a heck of a lot better than the rest of the crap that seems to happen.

  4. You've poured your heart out here Lorraine and I could feel your pain as I read. I'm sorry you have to suffer this new loss. It's a loss for Lisa as well as it's a wonderful thing to have a loving grandmother in one's life.

  5. "I have punished myself a great deal for having given up her mother for adoption, even though it happened when I felt I had no choice. But in the way it feels, that doesn't seem to salve much of the guilt, no matter what we tell ourselves. "

    Guilt can be a heavy burden, and it also can be a huge impediment to healing from trauma (studies of rape victims showed that). I think that if one is feeling guilt, then one is still blaming oneself for the surrender. The guilt comes from self-blame, from feeling that somehow that you were responsible, that it was "your choice." And others can sniff out guilt like hounds. We often know instinctively when someone feels guilty. So, if we blame ourselves for the surrender, others will also.

    In a way, I am fortunate in that I come to this from a place of never once having felt guilt for the loss of my son to adoption (and I am the type of person who, in daily life, will blame myself and "beat myself up" for the least little thing, even for example not cooking a perfect dinner for my family). But as adoption-related guilt has never been a burden (or even a complication) for me, I would love to see all mothers who had been coerced be able to also be free of guilt. Lorraine, you do NOT need to be carrying that burden. A coerced 'decision' was NOT your decision at all. I hope that one day you also will be able to be 100% free of guilt.

  6. Wow, Lorraine, I'm really sorry this happened. I can see how the holidays must have been especially hard for you this year. Do you think her APs may have had something to do with this change of heart?

  7. I think in your November 18, 2011 post "Thinking of placing your baby for adoption" that it should be highlighted in BOLD that a lasting relationship with your child once s/he reaches adulthood may never be possible... despite what the social worker is telling you.

  8. And it should also mention how this can carry through the generations. Adoption...the gift that keeps on taking.

  9. Cedar (quoting myself)

    "I have punished myself a great deal for having given up her mother for adoption, even though it happened when I felt I had no choice. But in the way it feels, that doesn't seem to salve much of the guilt, no matter what we tell ourselves. "

    I should change that second "guilt" to pain or hurt...that is what I more clearly meant. I will change the post.

  10. My son and I have been reunited since 2000. He searched for over 20 years. He was and "angry adoptee." Immediately after the short honeymoon period he bagen to insult me. He met his natural father and humiliated him in public. I responded with anger. I told him I wasn't taking any of his $%^*. We had many pullbacks over the years. When they happened I backed off except for an occasional holiday card, but he always maintained limited contact with his half siblings, my raised children. In 2009, he had a major event, a tramatic separation from his wife and estrangement from his children due to his violent actions. I called him to offer support. We reunited again...The only advice I offer is "Be there." Back off but be available just in case. My son has major anger and depression. I advised him to get help. He didn't until he was forced to as a consequence of his actions. But his mental health has improved since. My son was not raised by understanding people and has suffered.

  11. @Cedar, I also never had any adoption-related guilt and my child was angry that I wasn't guilt-ridden. My adoption-related feelings were pain and deep sadness over the loss of my child. I never did succeed in getting my child to understand my absence of guilt so I appreciate how well you've articulated the guilt issue here.

  12. In response to Cedar on guilt: agreeing that guilt is a corrosive emotion that can be very damaging, but one can take responsibility for their part in surrendering and still get past destructive guilt.
    Denying all responsibility is not the only way to deal with guilt.

    Each of our circumstances and surrenders had its own unique features, and the amount of responsibility of surrendering mothers can range from none, totally forced, to every degree of some responsibility, to some cases where it was the mother's free choice. Nobody can tell another mother "feel guilt" or "don't feel guilt." That is within each of our own hearts to decide for ourselves.

    What we all can do though is to move past the guilt to constructive action and understanding. For me, it was freeing to admit my responsibility for my part in the surrender, and let the other people involved deal with their part of it. Blaming everyone but myself did not work for me,and I did it for years, any more than blaming nobody but myself works. None of us surrendered in a vacuum, there were always pressures, internal and external, that led to giving up a child and in most cases many people bear some responsibility as well as the surrendering mother.

    Some of us were a little older, not teens, some were out on our own, some had other things going on in our lives that played into surrendering. Not all of us can just declare we had no guilt, because the guilt is something that ate at us for many years. Denying it does not make it go away, but facing it and putting it in perspective does.

    This is what has worked for me, but I know it is not everyone's way, which is why it is so helpful for all to see a variety of ways to cope that various mothers have used.

  13. Lorraine,
    Once more you shared issues that abound in the world of reunions. During my 12 years of reunion I have more than once gotten the idea that my son expects me to be a mind reader. Trying to figure out what kind of contact or non-contact he thinks I should be giving is simply exhausting, as you mentioned. I also thought that I would slide through the holiday period and handle the emotion of those days well. What happened is daily tears, deepening loneliness, wanting to pull the covers over my head, etc. Because I honestly figured I could ride this out I made the big mistake of not sharing my emotional responses with anyone. But the depth of sadness simply deepened--until it began to burst out of me and I shared. Now it is beginning to lift. Stuffing the emotions of loss and loneliness eventually breaks a person's body down--just as happened to you, too.

  14. Oh dear Lorraine. It just goes on and on, doesn't it? I didn't realize that your granddaughter had pulled back...

    I'm so glad you're able to acknowledge your hurt and weep openly - you give so much to so many of us with your insightful and honest writing. Hugs to you....

  15. Her adoptive mother was not involved in the reunion, and has only been kind from afar, has not been in the least interfering to either one of us. I have the utmost respect for her parents.

  16. Adoption and reunion are mind f*cks.

    I, personally, have shut down emotionally and socially with my mother in our on-going reunion many times. She has done the same.

    Both of us learned through our adoption experience early on to internalize and dismiss and disengage. Our trauma was ignored by everyone else around us. This was how we coped then and how we continue to cope now. Adoption has hard-wired disfuction into our relationship. We may never reconnect completely but blaming each other would be a waste of time and not solve anything. We are victims of a trauma that never should have happened.

    Let her recoil. Reunion challenges everything we, adoptees, were brainwashed to believe. The resurfacing from the "fog" can be a slow, painful process. There are very little therapists trained to help us. Even many psychologists refuse to acknowledge our adoption trauma.

  17. In response to the original post I have never known any adopted adult to feel stalked by a card, that is ridiculous and indicative of a set of adopters that are totally f_cked if anyone exists that is that paranoid, bad advice, and not the norm what so ever for the average adoptee!

    Being overwhelmed maybe - stalked no that is by far NOT the average feeling of most adopted adults and really totally bizarre.

  18. My daughter died in 2007. She had not met her daughter.

  19. Finally it is unfair to anyone to be left in the dark, and she should have told you Lorraine about what was going on to me, and same with mothers that pull back as well - let the person know something, the silence is dreadful for anyone.

    I hope she comes around.

  20. No doubt you care and love her, I hope she sees that, and anyone would be hurt by her pulling back. No grandmother on earth would not be.............best wishes with it all.

  21. "dpen said...
    Jenny, the comments are most assuredly placing blame!

    Those "angry" adoptees just don't get it right do they?

    Comments read here alone..."My daughter pulled this"...what a nasty liitle girl(sarcasm intented)"

    Let THESE comments be the reason I no longer post comments or thought about MY EXPERIENCE on these blogs. I thought this was a place for first mothers to speak of the pain of losing our children to adoption, not be chastised by the same group of people over and over again for being one step 'out of line'. If anyone dare go to an adoptee blog and pull this we are ripped to shreds.

  22. Wow. Yet again it looks like this is turning into a big pissing contest of who's pain is worse than who's, that so many love reveling in on certain blogs. The cattiness never ends.

    I am sorry, Lorraine, that you can't post how something in your life made you feel without it turning nasty and mean spirited.

  23. At this point, as my daughter doesn't appear to have the slightest interest in finding me, and my other children have indicated that she means nothing to them, seems the best tact, is to just let it all go. Its a rotten situation, but that's closed adoptions are. Makes it easier on everybody I would guess. I can't take any more pain, and the forced relinquishment as nearly killed me as it was.Ugh! I'm doing my best to not think of it at all.


    Comments that attempted to explain her behavior, or misinterpreted what was said, or that got snarky/nasty have been taken down. Yes, Jane and I make these decisions.

  25. Lorriane, I am so very glad that you also removed comments that tried to say what your granddaughter is thinking or feeling when you removed the other nasties. No excuse for that kind of speculation. The post was about you and what if felt like to experience yet another adoption-related loss. The focus should remain there.

  26. Lorraine,
    Thank you, thank you, thank you for the courage and generosity it takes to share such a painful story.

    I haven't heard from my daughter in over a year. I send her birthday cards, and Christmas cards and that's about it. No response. Next week, I'm heading into a vortex of potential hurt and stress. My mother is in a Rehab Centre with a hairline fracture in her hip, but there are so many other issues that my sister and I are freaked out with worry. My daughter lives near my mother and so I will let her know that I'm in the area and maybe even suggest we have coffee.

    Yes, it is so absolutely strange to be treated by one's own daughter like a stalker and to feel, like you said, like a jilted lover.

    Then there's her father who had told me that he wanted us to try and process the hurts of the past and be friends and has also pulled away, although not completely yet. He has a new girlfriend and I know that is a factor.

    Sometimes (often) it is just so very, very hard to know what is the right thing to do or say when nothing seems like the right thing and especially when my daughter and her adoptive mother and sometimes even my ex-boyfriend all treat me as though I was radioactive. I do get angry, but in the end, I don't think it will help. Some things are just not acceptable. At least, I am still struggling with accepting the possible permanent loss of my daughter because of a choice I was forced to make when I was 17.

    Thank you again for sharing Lorraine. Carlynne, I wish I could cry. Crying comes rarely but I did manage a really good cry this summer, not long after her birthday.

  27. My own natural son said I was stalking him. I let him drift off for years, finally started to try to get back in contact. He went to a solicitor, he said contact was "harassment and stalking".
    Whe people get like this, it could be they mean it or not, but playing mind games like "I went to a solictor" and previously, "I want damages", is not acceptable to me. I won't give up my entire life for him, tough: I just think it is too much to expect.

  28. I know my pain and guilt and sorrow from letting my daughter go all too well. I think that one reason our relationship seems to work so well is because I have encouraged her to tell me her story. I let her feelings and concerns take center stage and listen carefully to what she is saying to me even though it may hurt sometimes.
    It can be very hard to change a lifetime of beliefs. She stated that she always thought I was "relieved" to have let her go to a good family, that I was not capable of raising her, that I maybe didn't love her. After reunion, finding out that her lifetime of beliefs were false she has tried hard to rethink those beliefs as she now knows the truth.
    For all of us, I wish we could have forseen the future. I am almost certain that most would have done things differently in the past.

    Lorraine, I am keeping you and all of you in difficult reunions in my thoughts and hope things change to ease some of your pain.

  29. Janet, it is good to hear your reunion is going well. As someone who will never get to meet her first mother (though I am in contact with my lovely first family), I tend to take everyone's stories "to heart".

    Just out of interest, how many people on here had counselling before reunitng with their children? In NZ, it is mandatory. By counselling, I just mean talking about expectations in reunion etc. Also, when I received my copy OBC, they sent a great little booklet along that outlined everything in there.

    Btw despite my great reunion with first family, there are times I just feel like I could become a hermit and go live in a cave lol. I still have lots of feelings about my nmother that I don't feel I can talk about to many people because I don't feel I deserve to. After all, I never knew her so by rights, I shouldn't have any feelings (or so it is supposed to go). Still if I ever do decide to becomr a hermit, I do promise to tell relatives first lol.

  30. The sad and painful reality of adoption is that if you give up a child for whatever reason, pressure, coercion, etc. there is no guarantee that that child willl ever want a relationship with you.

    If you are a person who was relinquished as a child, even though you had no say, there is also no guarantee that you will ever be welcomed back into your original family.

    I tremendously admire how you are handling your reunion with your daughter. I can relate to so many of her feelings. And I am glad that you are both able to share the truth with one another.

    Unfortunately, many people never even get that far. It seems to be the luck of the draw as to who wants to have a relationship with whom. From the story written about at AdoptionTalk of the birth parents (and I am using that term intentionally) who sued their son for finding them to adoptees who consider receiving a birthday card to be stalking, no one knows who or what they will find. We can only try to do our best with whatever hand we are dealt.

  31. You were admitted to the care of Spence Chapin on Nov 19, 1962. It was your birth parents who brought you to the agency. They took turns holding you while the procedures for your admission were completed. The worker noted that on this day your birth parents seemed very concerned about ONE ANOTHER AND WERE AFFECTIONATE WITH ONE ANOTHER. The following week your birth parents returned to the agency to sign the papers that were necessary for an adoption plan.

    This is from the non-identification
    info I got from the agency in 1999. This hurt me so bad, why did they have to do it? They were married, to each other.

  32. Michele: There must have been a very good reason.

    There is nothing to say except, I am sorry. That kind of relinquishment should have been prevented.

  33. @Michele,
    I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart when I read your comment. I am sooo sorry. Since you were born at the height of the BSE I'm sure you assumed that you were given up because your mother was unmarried. I can imagine how painful it would be to find out your parents were married. And, of course, you would think "They could have kept me!"

    But PLEASE take what is written in that information with a grain of salt. Describing your n-parents as lovey-dovey may very well have not been the case. There was some hurtful information in my non-identifying file, too. It was written in such a way that I thought the person writing it was purposefully trying to be mean (or was at least trying to discourage me from searching). And after I found my n-mother it turned out the information wasn't even true.

  34. I have met both my parents. They can give me no reason why they gave me up. My Dad says he just didn't want me, and my mom says dad convinced her to do it. Mom also says she's blocked out a lot about what happened. Mom said it was the result of ignorance and stupidity. They also told their families that I was stillborn, my father said, so they could get away with it.

  35. Michelle, have you searched and found? If not, do not put too much stock in non-ID agency information. As Robin said, often this information is inaccurate or plain lies, especially when it is some worker's opinion of the birthparents. And as Lorraine said, there can be many different extenuating circumstances behind married parents surrendering.

    Nobody knows what they will find until they actually meet their relatives. There is search help available, please take advantage of it. And know there are people here to support you.

  36. Michele: Your story as you relate it, is one of the saddest. It sounds like your mother was truly in a fog, and your father the driving force in your relinquishment. Again, I am so sorry. No one deserves that.

    Are you able to have any kind of relationship with your parents, if you want to?

  37. Michele: Were they poor? Sometimes that can make people do desperate things.

  38. Wow, Michele, it's hard to imagine anything more flippant than "he just didn't want me." I'm very sorry.

    Robin said it best - there is no guarantee your child or parent will want to have anything to do with you. I know many more adoptees shunned by parents than the opposite but that may be coincidence. It is indeed a sad and painful reality, one which frequently causes spirited discussion, arguing, name-calling and eventual comment moderation wherever first parents and adoptees meet. It's gotta be an age-old argument - who hurts more?

    It's sad. These reclusive parents and adoptees have their own demons to fight. Maybe they'll win and realize the folly of their ways, maybe they won't. Their battles cannot be helped from the outside, not from the subject(s) of their nightmares. We need to learn to let them know we care, will not intrude, are available if they want and leave it at that, forever maybe. You can't force any adult to be your friend.

  39. Mom was very poor, Dad's family was well off. Mom suffered severe maternal neglect. Her mother would go out to the bars and stay gone for days, leaving her children to fend for themselves. Grandma had 7 children with 7 diff fathers, in the 40's and 50's. Dad's family owned the big house on the hill. Mom & dad met at age 14 & 17. Mom had an abortion at 16, from dad. He worked all summer to pay for it. They married when they learned I was on the way. The wedding was held in my paternal grandparents house. They lived on a large farm, called M******'s picnic grounds. They planned to raise me and live in an apt in the big house.

    Mom says suddenly everything changed, and they moved to the other side of town. Dad started to work on her, telling her I would have a terrible life with them, worse then my mom had. She went to a church for counseling, and they told her about "the adoption option". She went home & told dad, and he loved the idea. That was the end of me being kept.

    No one in the family knew I was born. I was with mom for 5 days in the hospital. Dad came to pick us up and drove us to SC. The rest you know.

    One family member did know about me though, dad's brother's girlfriend called the hospital and was told, mother and baby are doing well. Then they heard the stillborn story. They decided to keep my father's secret.

    I have a relationship with both of them, but it is "strained" at best. I have a hard time understanding their actions.

  40. Michelle, thanks for telling your story. That had to be hard. Sounds like generations of problems. I am so sorry, nothing else I can say.

  41. Michele,

    Your story is heartbreaking. Being poor or the girl from the wrong side of town should have never deinied your mother her right to raise you.

    So many of us had to go into that fog to try and survive what was happening to us and our babies. I still have segments of time that I can't grasp in my memories. It was a different time and women/girls didn't have much say. Even in something as crucial and forever as relinquishing your child. Trying to rationlize your decision to your child when you can't even understand yourself how it happened is next to impossible. It all sounds like lame excuses. I have to think that is because we were young and with age comes wisdom. We fell/ or were pushed very hard into the fantasy of adoption. We now know all to well the realities.

    With all the pain that comes out on this blog and others everyday it is hard to believe that our side of adoption is still so unknown or not important or dismissed as the rambilings of "those girls".
    What happened to us and still happens today is nothing short of one of the ugliest forms of abuse to women and children.

    I have to agree with some of the identifying information being outright false or altered in an attempt to deter those intereseted in seeking their true identities. My daughters states that I attempted an abortion. It took her years to finally step up and try to find me because of that very false statement.

  42. She could have written you a message saying it was too overwhelming and she needed to step back. Just being ignored leaves one with so many possible interpretations. Silence says so much and so little.

    It's so unfair especially when you fought so hard for her not to be adopted.

    Hopefully she will come back I very much hope that for you.

    It's so hard being in reunion. I cannot imagine how it would be for your grandaughter. I'm so sorry I hope things will resolve. I'm so so sorry, it can only be painful for you.

  43. I want to send my B mom to this blog! You all sound like reasonable women who are allowing your relinquished children space to wrap their heads around what is a life changing event. My B mom tracked me down through a "search angel", found me on facebook and constantly IMs me telling me that I "owe" her a meeting because of the "pain and hurt and wounding" she's dealt with over the years since I was adopted. Honestly these days I'm ignoring her. I haven't blocked her yet, but it is on my mind unfortunately. Being adopted and relinquishing your children is not the same thing, it is not the same mind set. And no two adopted children feel the same about their birth families or their adopted families or even about themselves. I've been reading this blog trying to get a sense of my b mom's viewpoint and mindset, and I think she's still off in left field. The brutal honesty is not every adopted child dreams longingly about a reunion or their birth parent or what could have been if only. Like you can't lump all birth parents together, you can't lump all adopted children together. I do wish there was a hard and fast road map though. It would make it easier, sigh.

    1. All I can suggest is that you write her a letter and tell her the truth. Try to be as sensitive as you can, for this is a blow. I'm sorry she is using words such as "owe," for that probably sets your teeth on edge. I get it. You don't "owe" her anything. But try to think of some way you might feel like you would like to salve her pain without doing things you aren't prepared to do. Although it might be hard to write such a letter, it is better to know the truth, just as it was for me when my found granddaughter gave me the heave-ho. It was better than more wondering......

      Yes, reunion is a life-changing event. Reunion is a rocky road.

      I do have a question, though. Why don't you want to meet her? Because it will be too emotionally roiling? Tell her that then. Maybe you will feel differently in a year or two. And maybe not. Just be honest. It will be the best for everyone--not only her, but you too.

  44. someone may have already mentioned this but I'll say it anyway - When I first started searching (1984) I was under the impression that my Mother/Natural families could be people of not such upstanding morals and/or looking for a hand-out. I say "could" because this idea was never fostered by my a-family but rather by (know-nothing know-it-all) strangers. The road blocks an Adoptee has to face are bad enough but what we are told is sometimes insurmountable.

  45. As an adopted guy, here's how you deal with the no contact request: You don't contact them.

    It's that simple.

    FYI it's really creepy when someone who hasn't been part of your life forever and doesn't know you is claiming to love you. If this was a guy after a high school girlfriend it'd rightly be considered infatuation at best and out-right stalking at worst, but not love.

    Get a dog or something, Christ.

    1. This is an old post and we try not to post comment on posts after 30 days. If you want to be read, I suggest posting on the current blog post which is on the same subject.



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