' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Thoughts on the Fourth of July: Separating children from their parents is Un-American and cruel

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Thoughts on the Fourth of July: Separating children from their parents is Un-American and cruel

Declaration of Independence
This Fourth of July we will again celebrate liberty, one of the unalienable, natural rights with which we are endowed by our creator as declared by a small group of men in Philadelphia 236 years ago. This Declaration gave rise to thee greatest nation the world has ever known. Subsequently the authors of the United States Constitution declared through the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments that liberty could not be taken away without due process of law, that is through fair procedures.

In a long series of cases, the United States Supreme Court has held that the right to liberty includes "the fundamental liberty interest of natural parents in the care, custody, and management of their child."

Bill of Rights

Nevertheless states effectively abrogate this right through laws allowing natural parents to lose their children through procedures that are far from fair. States allow mothers to sign irrevocable consents to adoption, often within minutes of birth, or even worse, to sign consents before birth with only a short revocation period. States do not require any counseling for mothers about the effects of adoption on themselves or their children or about services which would help them nurture their children. States effectively deny fathers any process at all. Once children are adopted, most states deny them the right to know who their natural parents are.
Lost Daughter Megan and Jane with Abe

On this Fourth of July, as we enjoy our hot dogs and beer and fireworks, let's dedicate ourselves to passing laws to protect parents' fundamental right to the care, custody, and management of their children and to the right of children to be raised by their human creators.

"The right of parents to direct the upbringing of their children is among the 'unalienable rights' with which the Declaration of Independence proclaims all men...are endowed by their creator." The late U. S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. 

The above post is from 2012. Our moral conviction is bolstered by scientific research documenting the harm to children from separation from loving parents in a new report from the American Bar Association Children's Rights Litigation Committee. Separating children from loving parents causes trauma and leads to worse outcomes for the children. Although the report is designed to help attorneys representing children and parents separated at the border by President Trump's immigration policies, it's written in layperson's language and well worth reading by all who support family preservation.

So while you are celebrating with friends and family over the long weekend, take a moment to consider how cruelly families--refugees from climate change and the gang violence that results from starvation-level poverty--are being separated today at our border. The pictures of people crowded with only mylar blankets for warmth and privacy are heart-breaking.--jane

 Trauma Caused by Separation of Children from Parents (May, 2019) 

Federal Inspectors Release Photos to Blast DHS for ‘Dangerous’ Overcrowding at Border Facilities


  1. While I agree with you in principal, I beg to differ. First, it is totally the "American" thing to take what is not theirs... and I mean totally, for even Native Americans are immigrants in the end who took what was not theirs. Not popular, I know, but accurate. However, in more modern times, now for instance, people from all walks of life adopt... some by outright theft and others using the "for the good of the child" excuse. The only thing in true common .....thieves. Since we use history to justify our need to rectify pasts, and to lay guilt either on ourselves or others, why can we not call it what it is? Voracious appetite for what we have misled ourselves to believe is our right to have.... to keep up with each other's appetites and wants. No one is innocent. Those who are not becoming chattel by virtue of fictitious ownership, are allowing it to happen by dint of not standing up in public and shrieking our pain at the theft of our identities and stop our legal fictions that allow our offspring to be bought and sold or stolen by the lie of "for the good of the child". We the true mothers...daughters and sons... sorry. Frustrated.

    1. WTH are you talking about? Native Americans aren't immigrants. They are the original inhabitants of America and they never took anything. And as far as these illegals, well I don't give a damn about them. Why should I? They are here illegally and get everything for free and I can't even get my own damn birth certificate. Plus they get all this sympathy for being separated from their kids and trust me I get none for being adopted. Also many of these kids were TRAFFICKED, stolen from their parents in another country. Remind you of something? No wonder stupid Gladney is there on the front lines to adopt them out.

  2. Hello all - it's been quite a while since I have tried to post on this site. I have some GOOD news!! I wished my daughter a happy 50th birthday this past May - and she & I have been in contact - thru emails - for the past 3 months!!!! After 12 years of no contact! I'm happy!! :)

    1. That's wonderful, Lee2 - I'm so happy for you! The passing of time really can make a difference. It's great you were patient, and didn't lose heart.

  3. I need help, from a birthmother firstmother perspective, I was taken away from my own firstmother, and I know she loves me, because she said that to her sister who now has no contact with me, but I desperately want my firstmother to know me. And talk to me. I have a letter written, but I need someone to proofread it to make sure I won't screw it up. Ucahoneybee@gmail.com

    1. Amazing, every situation is different and so every letter must be different. Take a look at FMF's essay on writing the first letter. The link is on the sidebar to the right. Just scroll down and you'll see it. Keep in mind reunions are never totally smooth but, one unintended offense in one letter cannot permanently sever a mother/child bond.

    2. Another suggestion -- join for an adoptee support group. You may be able to find one in your area through the websites of the American Adoption Congress or Concerned United Birthmparents.

      The one thing in your letter I would caution you on -- don't thank your first mother for giving you away. It's a huge insult because it means that no matter who the adoption agency placed you with, that person was better than she is.

  4. Is there anywhere here on what questions I can ask my daughter? You simple questions. For the life of me - I can't think of any to ask! LOL! Well - I take that back - I have asked a few - favorite color, favorite subject in school, what she might collect (knicknacks). Just simple ones. We are now "friends" on Facebook!!
    Also - how do go about asking if she wants to meet up? I'll be in the U.S. in September and would really like to meet up. Too soon?
    Thanks in advance for your answers! :)

    1. Are you sure she's really your daughter? Adoption agencies are lying. I would seriously get some of her DNA, I'm not kidding. Get it tested. Then if it is you have to find out why she dissed you 12 years ago. If adoptees and their moms don't heal the source of the problem it will keep acting up. Adoption is a disease that needs to be treated like any other illness(and in this case it is a man made one). Good luck to you.

    2. Until I met my daughter I had in the back of my mind maybe there's a mistake; she's not mine even though date, time, and place of birth matched. Once I met her, I knew she was my daughter. The similarities between her, one of my raised daughters, and me are uncanny -- looks, speech patterns, hair and clothing styles, misspelling the same words. One of her sons looks so much like his natural grandfather, it is unnerving. I did not realize the power of genetics until after my reunion. If you have doubts once you meet your daughter, then a DNA test would be helpful.

      Unfortunately, though, twelve years with no communication is not rare judging from the adoptees and first mothers I've met and those who have posted on this blog. Sheila Ganz, Jane Guttman, and other mothers have written about their children who meet them briefly and then shut off communication. Eventually, though, they come around.

  5. Lee2
    The phone call or meet up almost certainly is going to go better and easier than you expected. If you have privacy, it is unlikely there will be a shortable of topics. But yes, start with the basics and go from there. You are likely to find way more similarities than you expected. Genes connect.

  6. I'm so excited for you Lee2. When I first started getting to know my son, we'd email each other a"question of the day" that we would both answer. The questions themselves became a really interesting bonding experience. Best of luck to you both.

  7. Hi Jane.
    My reply was to Lee not to you, sorry about the mix up. Yes, sometimes it is obvious but other times maybe not. Anyway, I think it's harder for adoptees because we don't know what our parents look like or anyone else we are related to. You moms though are able to see a resemblance we've been legally blinded to though.

  8. Oh I know she is my daughter. She looks like a mix of me & my sister. And had a lady in L.A. find the correct birth certs. And she had all my non identifying info that matches. No mistakes! :)

    And I'm not fazed by the 12 year gap of no contact. At the time I contacted her for the first time, she had just got engaged and was quite busy with "life". So I'm truly glad that I now have her attention! :) I'm a grandma too! :D

    Lisa Warder - could you give a list of some of these "question for the day?" that you & your son shared? If you don't mind. I can get some ideas from that! Thanks in advance.

  9. I just recently lost my son I gave up for adoption. He was 37. We had been reunited for 17years. So much loss! Loss to adoption, loss in death. I'm reaching out for any of you ladies that can relate. Hurting in Phoenix.

    1. Dear Hurting,
      yes, sadly, I can relate, and I am so sorry to hear about your son! I too lost my precious son, first to adoption, and then to death, in 2007, at the age of 39.
      We had 18 years of reunion, when he died suddenly from acute blood cancer, undiagnosed until it was too late.
      There are more of us than you might think..there have been many deaths.

      with care,

  10. I haven't been involved in adoption for more than 10 years. It just wore me out after 20 years. I found my son in 1987 and he died in 1995. He was a quadriplegic when I found him and died as a result of his breathing tube becoming disconnected with no one there to replace it. For a year, I literally could not think of anything else. I looked at pictures, thought about him and had no interest in anything else. As each milestone date (birthday, etc) I'd had with him passed, I knew the next year had to be better. And it was to some degree. It's now been 24 years and I still keep his memory in a safe place that only I can visit whenever I want. I don't share him with anyone most of the time. I haven't been to his grave since 2006 and I can live with that although I would like to make one last trip before I am no longer able to go. It's a 1000 mile distance and he is buried way out in a very remote area where the adoptive parents grew up. I made the trip regularly for the first 10 years.

    Do what makes you happy. Remember the good times. Write your memories down if you haven't already done so. Tell your/his story through your eyes. Mike liked to hear what it was like and what I did before he was born. For the first 10 or so years on his birthday, I bought an English enameled box that had roses on it. He liked to give one red rose to the women in his life so red roses always remind me of Mike. He was late to our first meeting because he stopped to buy 1 red rose to give to me.

    He was part of your life and can still be part of your life. And perhaps you will get a message from him now and then. I do and so many mothers who have lost their children tell me they get little messages when they least expect it.

    Wishing you the best. Lynn



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