What can you write about adoption? And what is off limits?

Lorraine and her new accessory

What are the limits of what one can write about in regards to adoption personally, since after all, in writing anything at all, you are writing about at least one other person, possibly more. It's an issue that has come up not only at First Mother Forum but other blogs--and now The Huffington Post.

Last week a brave adoptive mother, Dina McQueen, wrote a revealing post about her four-year-old daughter from Ethiopia. In it she wrote of how, since McQueen had video of the girl's birth mother bringing the daughter, now named Aster, to the drop off, the little girl wanted to watch the video over and over and over again, and how she became inconsolable for a brief time after--though it seemed long to Mother McQueen. I forget exactly what the girl, Aster, called her video but it had some version of "birth mother" in it. Eventually, with time, love and patience, McQueen was able to calm the girl down and the post ended with the girl, at least for the time being, able to move on with her American mother to a sweet resolution.

Madonna's Malawi charity fails and Ethiopian adoptions shut down to a trickle: Could there be abuse in the system?

Lorraine

Madonna's plans for a swell school for girls in Malawi (from where she has adopted two children) are going up in smoke, but in the meantime $3.8 million was spent on architectural drawings, nice cars and golf-club memberships, according to news reports today. Oy vey, was all I could think--think what could have been done with that money for boys and girls in Malawi--and their families--instead of turning them into families who are so poor they feel they must relinquish their children to people in more affluent nations to be adopted. By Madonna, perhaps, herself! How lucky is that?*

Answers Found in Ethiopia

The end of one woman's story learning the truth of the lives of the children she adopted from Ethiopia. This was written while her 17-year-old daughter was in country trying to learn whether the children were free to be adopted:

"I have struggled with the possibility of sending our children back for several reasons. One being safety...two, their future and ...three, living conditions. Two of them, I feel I will have peace about if they go back because we will help their families support them and give them a good education...safety, I know that we will have peace about this before we would even send them back. But the living conditions has been more of a struggle because they have tasted our American life of comfort and convenience. 

"The past couple of weeks, our 8-year-old biological son has been reading about what life was like for Jesus when he lived on this earth. About the culture he lived in, food he ate, etc. It has been so fascinating to me to realize how similar people in Africa (and other areas of the world too) still live in a culture almost identical to the one Jesus lived over 2,000 years ago. When I woke up this morning, I felt like God told me that "If it was good enough for Jesus, then it's good enough for anybody to live in that culture." And the fact that, it doesn't seem to matter to this little girl we adopted what her culture is around her, she just wants to be with her mother and father, I don't blame her I would too.

'God is revealing so many things to me right now and for some reason, I feel led to share with you and not many others. So, I hope you don't mind my ramblings."

And then this is what she learned:

"My daughter was able to meet with the families of the child while in Ethiopia. The story I heard about the little girl--the one I was most concerned about--was true and what we were told when we began the process of adopting her. Her parents died when she was very young, and she was living with her aunt and uncle--and she has only known them--so she assumed they were her mother and father. They do not call their parents 'mom' and 'dad' in Ethiopia; they always call everybody by their first names. Consequently, Amber assumed that they were her 'parents' after being here, and figuring out our culture.

"When my daughter gave the aunt pictures of Amber, she kissed them and was very happy. She understood fully that Amber was being adopted and is happy for her to have this opportunity. From other things I have learned, it seems that when extended family take in a child after loss of parents, the child is not always fully accepted by the relatives. An example, there is a girl in the sponsorship program who is 12, and her aunt sold her for marriage; the program bought her back and she is going to live the with the lady who cooks for the program now. I am just so excited that we now have this contact and everything (that we know of) has been handled with truth and that Amber can stay connected with her birth family and hopefully travel back at some point to visit them. Who knows what God has planned for her, she may go back and do many good things for her country and people. This has helped Amber so much, she seems much happier now although she still has some grieving to deal with.

"The little boy's family is a different story. His parents died also, but his grandmother was trying to care for him. and she told our duaghter that she felt like this adoption was his only hope. After they put him up for adoption, he had an older brother that died. He also has an older sister that our daughter met who did not look very healthy. We are hoping to pull her into this sponsorship organization so she will get three meals a day, medical care, clothes, schooling, etc. The grandmother was so thankful to see pictures of the boy, and hear how well he is doing, and she also told us she fully understood that he was being adopted and might not ever see him again. It breaks my heart because I know it has been so hard for her. She is very old, so I don't know if he will see her in person again.

"Our daughter is hoping to go back every year (she has left half of her heart there) and who knows, maybe I will go at some point too. I would love to see them again, which is crazy because after I got back from getting the children, I didn't think I would ever want to go back.

"I didn't realize the seriousness of adoption until I stepped into it. About how much the child would need, especially to know truth and to be connected with birth family if at all possible. It is not always possible. But if the opportunity is there, it is definitely worth seeking it out. I was apprehensive at the beginning, but I now feel that I have extended family in Ethiopia and I truly care for them. We will be staying in contact and helping them as much as we can.

"When we picked up the children, I thought I would have this joyful feeling, but instead I felt grief for the families who felt they had to give up their children because they couldn't care for them.  I guess having biological children, I could relate with a mother's heart.  Reuniting with the birth families and knowing that we can stay connected with them has not only given the families and the children peace, but has brought me a great peace as well.  It definitely has helped us all to move on and help the children to deal with the loss they have experienced.  Even though they have a good life here and are loved, they miss their birth families and country and I do hope and pray that through the organization my daughter went over with (Elpis International) they will be able to travel back and visit at some point.  I knew God had us meet the founders of this organization when we picked up the children for a reason, didn't know it would be to stay connected with their families, but I am so thankful for this opportunity.

"We have an adoption in the works in China (been five years now) and I know that this will be another hard issue. Knowing that the birth mother felt forced to give up her child because of the government, breaks my heart and I pray that God will give me wisdom in helping this little girl through all of this.  We could possibly get her the end of this year (haven't had a referral yet, but could be soon).  I think that walking through the Ethiopia adoption with the older children and how they have been affected has opened my eyes to much more to the children's needs.  

"Even though we may never be able to locate this child's birth mother because children are abandoned, I realize that she will need to have a connection to her birth country.  When we first set out to adopt from China, I honestly didn't think it would matter, we would just raise her here and she would be happy, didn't matter if we taught her about China's culture or anything, but all of this has changed.  I am much more sensitive to what she might need and the connections she might need to have with China.  I am praying that if she needs to connect with her birth mother, that God will allow it to happen.  We already have some connections in China through Steven Curtis Chapman (Christian singer), so this might be helpful in the future."

My hope is that this woman's story will be read by other people adopting from around the world, and they will learn from it. We know some adoptive parents even have a problem filling out a census form when asked if their children are adopted, so far are they willing to travel in their minds to deny their children's true heritage and parentage. We know other adoptive parents who have traveled as far as Siberia to get children who will never be able to find their original birth families and true heritage. Those are the adoptions that make us angry, and sad.

Adoption should not be about the need to "complete a family" or "build a family" for a couple in a Western country, but about filling a need for a hungry and homeless child. We have come to know that many adoptive parents read here, and some of them get upset with what they learn from our experience with adoption--the other side of the coin, the one largely swept away when people wish to adopt--but there are others who teach us that it is not black and white, that adoption can be filled with shades of gray, and from then we have learned to be sympathetic to their desire to provide homes, and love, to children who truly need them. International adoption is so fraught with complexities and problems, and corruption, that we find it hard to see the upside of the mass migration of children from one culture to another; but it has happened and will continue.

We can not close that door anymore; we can only become a voice crying out to stop the abuses. I admit I was taken aback when I learned she was trying to adopt from China, but I am not going to question her motives. Yes, I wish adoptions were not necessary; but sometimes they are, and have always been, and this woman and her family shows compassion and understanding for the children they have brought into their homes, for their children's first families they were born into, for all of humankind--lorraine

One Woman's Struggle with Adopting from Ethiopia

Continued from yesterday, Adoptive Mom Here Searches for Birth Mother in Ethiopia and written by a woman who desires to know if the children she adopted from Ethiopia were truly free to be adopted, and without parents. She prefers to remain anonymous:

Once we know the desires of the birth mother and father, we can move forward either way. I feel in my heart that she (the girl they adopted, who is between six and nine) should be with her birth family. Being in America is not the answer to a better life or happiness. Sure she is having fun...it's like she is in Disneyworld, but she doesn't have her family, so she is not really happy. Even though we live with modern conveniences, she misses her life the way it was there, she was happy with it because what makes a home is "where your family is". This is what I told my biological eight-year-old son to help him understand.
"These people are being deceived and their ignorance, culture and poverty are being taken advantage of. The Lord has showed me more and more that the best life for her is to be with her birth parents. I will soon find out.

At the same time we adopted the little girl, we also adopted a little boy who is four. He is not related to the girl. His situation is a bit different, but my daughter will also be checking with his grandmother to find out what she was told. When we met her, we gave her a framed picture of him and she took it and kissed it and hugged it. I don't know what she thought at the time, if she thought he would come back???? If he is to go back too, this will be even more difficult because he has bonded with our family more so than the girl.

If his story is the truth, his birth parents died and his grandmother was trying to raise him, and he was not in good shape physically due to malnutrition. Once we brought him home and put him on a healthy diet, he grew 7 inches and gained 12 lbs in less than a year. I do feel I have to give her the opportunity also of being reunited with him, just in case she was deceived so that she can have peace and understand that if he stays here, she might not ever see him again. We would like to have the luxury of flying back and forth, but it is a difficult and expensive journey to Ethiopia that our family cannot handle right now. We really didn't have the money to adopt and it set us back financially. Our daughter raised money for her mission trip, she is in the air right now on her way there.

I would like to help others if we go through this process, I just don't know what it involves right now. I have heard of a family from Australia who returned their child and they even go back to visit the child in Ethiopia, but this is a story I have heard second-hand, and don't know who they are. It scares me to think of what might happen, I am sure we will be attacked personally, but I don't really care. I just hope it doesn't turn into a big legal battle and cause our family more stress.

If this had happened to me as a mother, I would hope that somebody would show me mercy and grace and return my child. This is assuming that the birth family of this little girl has regret. If not, then we will have peace that we have to move on and help her deal with this emotionally.

To be continued. Tomorrow we will post the conclusion of what her daughter found, and how the family is dealing with it.

Then I found this story on another blog: Human Traffic 2: Ethiopia's Baby Trade written by an adoptee herself who spent ten months in Ethiopia. It is dated from 2007, but considering what we have learned about international adoption from poor countries, it is largely still relevant. The writer, Kate Jongbloed, then a student at the University of Toronto, begins:

The going rate for a baby in Ethiopia is $10,000 USD, through legal channels. I’m not sure what a black market baby will run you. It’s sometimes hard for me to wrap my head around a baby with a price tag....

Here in Addis Ababa, a new flock of mostly American adopters takes over the Hilton and Sheraton hotels every 6 months, staying a week before exporting their new children back to the West...Perhaps I sound overly harsh, and as an adoptee myself, I can’t be completely critical of the adoption industry....But it’s important to think about the overall impact of massive adoption from developing countries from a wider perspective.

Take, for example, Ethiopia. One of the five poorest nations in the world, Ethiopia faces brain drain of its wealthy and educated, creating hubs of diaspora in places like Washington, D.C. or Edmonton, and undermining the country’s potential for growth. I see mass adoptions to the West in a similar light. By exporting a chunk of the future generation of Ethiopians, we are only addressing the symptoms of the problem and perhaps mining the youth that will carry Ethiopia out of poverty. I also question why the children have to be taken away to the West, when it is entirely possible to successfully sponsor a child (and its community) without taking it away from its society and culture.

Then there's this: Media: Ethiopia revokes licences of nine charitable organizations from the Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform, dated only a few weeks ago:

Ethiopia revoked the license of nine orphanages (charity organizations) who they claim to be involved in ‘illegal’ activities of child rights abuse, APA learns here on Wednesday.

The nine charity organizations have been working to adopt children for the past few years to Europe and America. However, the office, which is in charge of registering charity organizations at the Ethiopian Ministry of Justice refused to give details as to what kind of illegal activities the organizations were involved with regards to child rights abuse. Child trafficking is high in Ethiopia where a good number of children are reported to be adopted illegally annually.The decision to revoke the license of the nine organizations was made while the government was undertaking re-registration of charity organizations and other NGOs that are operating in Ethiopia.

 As long as there are people who are desperate to adopt, in today's culture of adoptamania, there will be corruption, there will be child trafficking, there will be abuse. I frankly do not know how to stop it. But reading one woman's journey to find out the truth of the children she adopted--and open her mind to the possibility of returning them--gives us all hope. There must be more like her. There must be.--lorraine

Adoptive Mom Here Searches for Birth Mother in Ethiopia

News of the seven-year-old Russian boy, Artyom [Justin] Hansen returned via one-way ticket back to Russia by her American adoptive mother, Torry Ann Hansen, and her mother, Nancy Hansen, has been filling the news hole on adoption lately. I refrained from talking about it because I did not feel like slamming the Hansen women, or adoptions from Russia, or discussing alcohol-fetal syndrome, which may be at play here. A letter in today's New York Times (4/14/10), however, points out what's been on my mind:

...the dirty little secret in New York State is that the placement of a child in foster care or an expensive residential treatment center after adoption (either domestic or international) is a fairly common occurrence.

While most children who are adopted do very well, some who have endured abuse or neglect behave in very challenging ways that bring their adoptive parents to their breaking point.

The tragedy is that good services and support can keep families together. But, unfortunately, New York State continues to hide its head in the sand while these families fall apart. And its taxpayers carry the far more expensive burden of government “parenting” of these children.
Sarah Gerstenzang
The writer is a foster and adoptive parent and the executive director of the New York State Citizens’ Coalition for Children.

But instead of focusing on the little Artyom, once called Justin here in America where he is a citizen, by the way, I have a good adoption story to report. And it's about one of the troubled hotspots in adoption, Ethiopia. Through FaceBook, a women contacted me about the queasy feelings she has about the little girl she and her husband adopted from Ethiopia. She wrote: 

"I am trying to locate information on reuniting our adopted Ethiopian child with her birth family. We have located the family and my oldest daughter is traveling there tomorrow on a mission trip and will be meeting with them. I don't know at this point if we will help her to return, a lot is based on the meeting and whether or not her birth family was deceived in this whole situation.

"We have had her here a little over a year, she is 6, probably more like 8 or 9, and she is a precious child. She has not given us any problems, she has been very brave with what she has gone through. But, she loves her birth family and desires to be with them. From what she tells me, her life was pretty good and she was perfectly happy. I suspect that her family was maybe lied to about what was really happening.

"We will only return her if her birth family has deep regret and was deceived. If we do return her, we will continue to support her and her family. But, I didn't know how this process would work, or even if it would. I have not contacted our agency yet because I don't have a high trust level with them, especially on the ET (Ethiopian) end and I am waiting to see how the birth parents feel. We should know in a week which way to start going with this. The easiest thing for us would be to just keep her here, but in our hearts, we feel we have to do everything we can to reunite her. She feels like she has been abducted because nobody told her what was happening. We set out to give an orphan a family and home and was given a child who has two healthy parents whom I think love her very much, but this meeting will tell. Anyway, this is basically why I am trying to connect with you. All in all, we want what is best for the child and this is what we are seeking. Blessings!

Wow, what a story, I thought, and what a good woman and good family. I couldn't wait to hear what her daughter learned in Ethiopia. 
To be continued....