Life lessons from Downton Abbey

Lorraine 

It's New Year's Day and I've been hearing from first mothers and adoptees who had a difficult time this holiday season, but then...all major holidays can be difficult for us because we are either missing people, or a whole family, in our lives; or we are alienated from someone we don't wish to be at odds with.

You know the drill--should I make that phone call? Will I be rebuffed again? Can I talk to my mother without the daughter she lives with (my half sister who sent me a wretched email) listening in? If I send a card/gift to my son/daughter will they acknowledge it? If I call my 15-year-old daughter will I be able to talk to her, or will this upset her adoptive parents and make life more difficult for her? Will she be cold if I call? What if she doesn't answer the phone? Should I contact a cousin, the only one in my biological family who is willing to be in contact with me?

Downton Abbey's Lady Edith finds a way to keep her baby close

Lorraine

Lady Edith's story on Downton Abbey of what to do with her "bastard" baby Marigold has us in the adoption community engrossed and disturbed, always anxious about how this mother-and-child bond is going to be played, since MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.

Because more than eight million viewers tuned in for the first episode this season, a lot of people will be influenced by how the Crawley family handles the baby born of an unwed mum--and the mum herself, Lady Edith. The stakes are high, the scandal is huge, the shame would be great.

Downton Abbey: Once again dealing with the scandal of a 'bastard'

Laura Carmichael as Lady Edith                 Photo: Nick Briggs

Today we go from reality TV (trash or not, that's for you to decide) to midbrow Downton Abbey. The story line is going further and further into the Lady-Edith-had-a-bastard-baby thread, and they are doing a bangup job with it.

For those who don't follow this highfalutin' soap opera from BBC, a primer: The not-beautiful middle daughter ends up with somewhat of a job--writing columns for a newspaper--instead of a husband. But an affair follows with the editor of the paper, who is unfortunately married to a mad woman locked up

Downton Abbey's Lady Edith brings her 'bastard' home. Almost.

Let's give Julian Fellowes, writer and creator of Downton Abbey, kudos for letting Lady Edith have her own controlled meltdowns regarding the daughter she just had out of "wedlock" with her married lover! And then for not leaving the child in Switzerland, despite the stern admonitions of Aunt Rosamund, who tells her in no uncertain terms she must forget the child, let her grow up with the good Swiss people who are caring for her, and if she, Lady Edith, should find the father who may or may not reappear she must never tell him! And besides that, you will have other children!

My god, doesn't that sound like the advice a lot of us got from the old days when we gave up our children? Forget, hide, never tell, you will have other children. Right....

But plucky Lady Edith is not down for the count. The exact line escapes me this morning, but the chauffeur-turned-family member, Thomas Branson, kicks Edith into gear about doing what she really wants to: bring the baby home where she can see her grow up. But of course, she can't bring the baby into Downton Abbey itself--quelle horreur! The groundwork having been laid in previous episodes, the Good Farmer Drewe, indebted to the Downton family, will take the baby and raise her, knowing full well whose child it is. Mr. Drewe and Edith will keep this secret between the two of them. 

Downton Abbey and what you won't learn from those happy adoption agency websites

Ethel Parks, housemaid

I have been watching the reruns of Downton Abbey and last night's episode was the one in which Ethel, the maid who slept with one of the officers recuperating at the estate and got pregnant, tries to get some financial help from his parents, her son's grandparents.

It's a rather moving plot like for first mothers like us, because Ethel is cast out of the house where she works, no small thing in Edwardian times. The officer is a asshole, and won't have anything to do with her, or the baby. No DNA testing, no way to prove he is the father. He's killed in the war, and Ethel is shown living in dire poverty, trying to raise her son, Charley, taking in laundry for a few pennies. The head housekeeper, Mrs. Hughes--at first highly critical--sees the need after the child is born and brings Ethel food. She also arranges a meeting

Mea Culpa to Julia and others who give up their babies today

Lorraine

I've taken some heat for being so harsh towards Julia* in the not-quite-infamous story in February Elle about being 30, a divorcing attorney, and getting pregnant with your husband just before you find out he is more than knee-deep into an affair with another woman who has no idea he is married. I was hard on poor "Julia," I admit. Reading the story was really triggering for me as this woman seemed to have the resources--family, friends, a husband in name--to keep her baby.

But she chose not to. And I said something that was well, quite brutal. I've been lambasted at alt.adoption on Facebook by someone who is screaming about "her choice" and more sympathetic but questioning comments have been left at the previous post for not being more understanding to a woman in a difficult situation that I certainly can understand.