' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Giving up a child may mean giving up a grandchild

Friday, December 9, 2016

Giving up a child may mean giving up a grandchild

When I gave up my infant daughter Rebecca half a century ago, I did not consider that I was giving up my grandchildren, my great grandchildren, that giving up a child could create a cascade of loss and mystery. I am one of the lucky natural mothers, though. Since my reunion in 1997, I've been able to spend time with Rebecca's children. I've been to their weddings, They've visited me at my home in Portland. I spent my birthday last October exploring a park on the Great Salt Lake with one granddaughter. I traveled to Peru with another.

Many natural mothers--like Jane Guttman author of The Gift Wrapped in Sorrow: A Mother's Quest for Healing--are not so lucky. Their lost child shuts them out. They are told in no uncertain terms, "You are not my children's grandparents. Please go away." Or worse, they are threatened with legal action if they dare, dare send a birthday card. Guttman writes:
"Soon Adam [her grandson] will be two and a half. I long to see him. I long to hold him. His smile and laughter are such significant moments
to hold and savor. I want those moments. He may even have a sister or brother now. Not knowing, not sharing are painful parts of relinquishment. They move from generation to generation and the wounds endure."

The loss can be particularly acute during the holiday season. These grandmothers ache when passing a Toys-R-Us, longing to buy the latest toys and games, the cute clothes, wrap them with colorful holiday paper and bring them by or mail them off. Even better would be if they could spend the holidays with their grandchildren, watching their expressions when they unwrap the big package from Grandma. Other grandmothers like Lynn Franklin, author of May the Circle Be Unbroken, are allowed to meet their grandchildren, but are forbidden to disclose their relationship lest the children tell the adoptive parents their mother knows her natural mother.

Me with Chris
Even though I'm fortunate, my experience with Rebecca's children is not the same as my experience with the children of my raised daughter. I'm called Jane, not Grandma. I'm comfortable with this. I actually would feel odd if they called me Grandma. Last Saturday I went to the Oregon state high school football championship game where my raised daughter's son, Chris, played, not on the field but the sousaphone in the band. Chris's team lost 62 to 7, the worst loss in Oregon championship history. That didn't matter to me; I swelled up with pride, telling others it was my grandson with that great big horn.

I held Chris, and his younger sister Kate, when they were a few hours old. I was there when they had a cold or a fever and couldn't go to day care. I rocked them to sleep. I read to them, sung to them. I've taken them to soccer and basketball practices, swimming and ballet lessons, I go to their games and recitals. For Rebecca's children, this role belonged to her adoptive mother and her husband's mother, their "real" grandmothers. Though Lorraine was part of her granddaughter's life from the beginning, she says it was still at a remove somewhat partly because she lived so far away from her daughter and family, and eventually, growing hostility from the adoptive grandmother--even after her granddaughter visited for much of the summer. Another grandchild was lost to adoption, and though she and Lorraine connected after her daughter's death, they are no longer in communication.

When my daughter Rebecca was born, I thought mostly of her as a baby, not a sentient human being who would become a little girl, a middle schooler, a teenager, a woman. I didn't think of the possibility that she could become a mother herself, that my genes would carry forward in people who might have no idea who I was. I have since learned that family ties do not disappear because a judge has signed a piece of paper. I continue to be amazed by the similarities between Rebecca's children and other family members. At she reaches adolescence, Kate is beginning to resemble her half cousin. One of Rebecca's sons looks so much like his mother's biological father, I can't help but stare. We all share personalities and interests.

Mothers whose daughters give up their babies also yearn for their grandchildren even though they may have been instrumental in causing the adoption. In her first memoir Carol Schaefer describes how she brought home a Christmas ornament from the maternity home she stayed in before her son's January birth. Her mother kept that ornament, her only connection to her grandson.

Since Oregon opened up court records to adoptees, I've been asked to help the adult children of deceased adoptees find out who their natural grandparents were. Their reasons echo those of adoptees who search. They're curious, they need medical history, they want to know their ancestral line, they have to complete the family picture to know themselves. Oregon law does not give these grandchildren the right to access court and other adoption records, but that may change.--jane


BE A SUPPORTER OF FIRST MOTHER FORUM! Order anything (Christmas gifts, household items, books) from Amazon through our portals--and we thank those who do so!

The Gift Wrapped in Sorrow: A Mother's Quest for Healing
by Jane Guttman D.C.
Format: Mass Market Paperback
A rare gift indeed; author Jane Guttman allows her readers to participate in her healing process, while deeply
touching their inner most pain and hidden sorrow. The book a well written journal weaves the reader through years 
of the authors secrets, pain, and joy. The reader experiences the intricate web of the healer and healing process.
The descriptions of the desert are soothing morsels that give the reader hope and inspiration.
The Other Mother
on December 4, 2016
I am a mother who placed my first and only natural child for adoption. My son and I have been united within the last
year. Though the generation has changed the social views of unwed mothers somewhat, her experience and 
sentiments going through this lifelong process of adoption mirrored mine near completely. It was as if she wrote of 
my life, not hers. This is an excellent book for those who wish to understand the experience of mothers who placed
their child for adoption. We never forget our lost children and will love them for eternity.


  1. Great post Jane!

    Jane's comment about being called by her first name rather than Grandma is particularly on the mark for me. When my granddaughter Britt was young, she stayed with my husband and me for most of the summer, and called me Grandma. You don't think I relished it? And I was pretty young by today's standards to be a grandmother, which somehow added to my pleasure. Also we were both blonde et cetera and so going about town with her with simply terrific. However my daughter pretty much always called me Lorraine, and that had always been fine with me, and I never asked her to call me otherwise. (In notes to me, she sometimes, after several years, did address me as Mother and sign off, Your daughter--then adding a PS not to tell her "Mom" this.)

    Yet when Britt hit puberty I became Lorraine. Did it hurt? Oh Yes. Did I cry once, a big long hard cry that seemed to be about everything to do with giving my daughter Jane up? Oh Yes. I didn't feel right asking or telling her to call me grandma, but I did gently broach the subject, but she said that it was too weird to call me Grandma, as she was living with Jane's adoptive parents at the time, and they were certainly Grandma and Grandpa...she had a point. So I accepted reality, her sensibility, and let it go. I might have preferred staying Grandma, but why force it and create an issue? Our relationship had NOT changed. Today I sign my emails and gift tags to her Glo. She and I know that stands for Grandma Lo.

    1. Glo is a cool name. so is G-lo i dunno how you pronounce it. It is even cooler than Jay-Lo, and i always liked her and that nickname. I hope that it doesn't hurt that Britt does not call you Grandma anymore. The title doesn't always reflect the feeling. I know my god-kids dearly love me and i feel so blessed because of it, and they have not called me Aunt for many many years. But of all the people they want to come visit, i'm in the top of the list. I make them happy and i love that i can do that, they are so dear to me.

    2. We don't actually pronounce it --but in my mind, it's like glow. Smiley face here.
      When I met her professors at the time of her graduation, she introduced me proudly as her grandmother, and that is how she introduced me her friends also. So...smiley face here, esp. when her art history prof told me she was an excellent student.

    3. Glo (glow) is great ! It has the distinction of being bright and unique ! It's great that she introduces you as her grandmother :) apparently she feels you are her grandmother no matter the moniker :) and that's important.

      remember way back when, when a 40something or even a late 30something would be teased for being a grandma and her reply might be, gasp, "don't say that ! no huh uh not me, not yet, i don't wanna be a grandma !" hahahaha but then they usually got over it by the time the baby was 3 months. :)

  2. I was threatened with legal action after I sent holiday wishes and later, a birthday card to my child. It was my child's sister and my child's daughter who threatened me. I became a mother at age 11 and after much discipline and psychiatric intervention, I forgot about my childhood pregnancy, believing my 6th grade illness to be a kidney infection. I was a rape victim and didn't know what had happened to me. When at age 58 I remembered the who, what, when and where of blank pieces of my past, I felt at first elated and joyful at knowing I did have a child and grandchildren. That elation quickly turned to grief when I reached out. My child and grandchildren knew about me; because I didn't know them, I was perceived as a liar when in fact, my brain was deliberately injured. I still hold out hope that I can connect with family because I have much to offer. I refuse however to be the breast beating Irish Catholic Magdalene the other family and parts of my family expected me to be back then and might still expect me to be. I have come to the point in my grief and healing where for myself, accepting that the past is past is all I have available to me today. This situation has seriously damaged my family. I will continue to speak out locally about what was done and how it was done because the facilitators of family destruction are still destroying families.

  3. I met my parents before I had children. Unfortunately, my mother closed down our reunion within months of meeting me and has kept it closed since. Even so, my children still know she is their grandmother, even if they have never met her and she has refused all offerings over the years to meet our family. When they were little and even now as they are teenagers, they will list my mother as one of their grandparents. We went to visit her parents' graves since we felt it important to let the kids have some connection to her side of the family. They both left notes on the graves of what would be their great-grandparents.
    My father and I have now been in reunion for 20 years. He and his wife have cute grandparent names like all the other grandparents in our family. At one time when my kids were little, if you counted up all the grandparents and great grandparents between my family and my husband's-- my kids had 9 grandparents and 7 great-grandparents (despite being denied meeting my mother/her husband or my mother's father, when he was alive- I was never allowed to meet him either). As my adoptive parents put it, there are just more people to have and love.

  4. As a relinquished child of 53, I can truly say, the adoption industry has UTTERLY DESTROYED every aspect of my life!

    1. And if you try to tell that to people who aren't adopted or who have never given up a child, they will probably shame you and tell you that "No, it couldn't be adoption that's causing your problems. I have a third cousin twice removed who is adopted and she's fine with it. Your issues must be the result of something else." Ugh! The non-adopted too often think they're the experts.

    2. And when you are a mother, people either pity you or you can hear them thinking if you talk about losing a child--She needs to get over it.

    3. Or they tell you how brave you were. One woman (who at one time cared for new borns until they could go to their adoptive homes) said to me: "Do you know what kind of woman gives up a baby? A THINKING mom." She meant it as a compliment.

  5. What a great thing you've done, bringing your natural mother into your children's lives. She may yet change her mind and agree to a relationship especially if she realizes how much she is missing.

    1. I had written a more eloquent response but lost it on my mobile device-- but here it is kind of again----
      Well, I think to be realistic after twenty years, there is little hope that my mother will change her mind and embrace me and my family. From what I have gathered from her comments and what my father has told me, I am not the person that she thought her baby would grow up to be and she even had a website back in the late 1990s devoted to telling whoever would listen what a disappointment I am. My father said that he thinks she has never taken care of herself and the issues that stemmed from the pregnancy and relinquishment. She wrote in a letter and posted her website about me that she could have been a debutante to a diplomat had I not gotten in the way. Someone (who has never met me) replied to the website that "She should have aborted me saving the world from such a distasteful human being.' My mother's response was nothing and that said everything. She told my father, even before I had children, she was going to skip over me and go straight to any grandchildren. Unfortunately, that does not work for me or for my family. You can not speak ill of me and spew hatred and expect to have a relationship only w. my children.

      I have always had a door open for reconciliation and healing. Over the years, we have extended invitations for her to meet our family and all ignored or flat out rejected. I think her pain is too deep and she is unable to "go there".

      Even when I was very sick & doctors were asking for health information-she refused and told her family never to give me any health history. I had thought that was just her way of penalizing me for being not the child she had hoped. But, thought if my children ever needed information that she would help. Unfortunately, that was not true either. Her response to my request for health information when our 12 yr. old was unexpectedly hospitalized for a week was in part "How mendacious and manipulative of you to say your son is my grandson. I am sure your adoptive parents would not agree. Your son and I have never been introduced; you have never told me his name or birth date. I don’t know him, as he does not know me, except through your eyes. I suspect that is not a very flattering portrait."
      None of that could be further from the truth. As I wrote earlier, our children & family have never known a day where they did not consider my mother as one of their grandparents and there is no ill speak of her. Sadly, she is the one that has never accepted any invitations to meet them or to be part of our lives. Unfortunately, she only gave the doctor one answer and told the doctor that she would not give any other information about herself or anyone in her family past or present. It was less than helpful.
      My children know more about mothers who relinquish and the complexities of adoption that most non-adopted persons. They know other women who have relinquished, watched documentaries and have watched me tirelessly work to reunite those separated by adoption and to fight in the legislature for rights for parents and adopted persons. They understand that relinquishment and adoption are filled with complexities.
      Recently, one of my children during the election reacted to Vice President Elect Pence's debate comment about abortion's answer is to just give the child up to adoption- horrified, he said, "Doesn't he know that adoption is not the answer to abortion- that they are two different things and that adoption is not a win-win-win because it changes everyone for a lifetime and it is about loss?."
      Sadly, adoption is not is not a one time event- it carries over for generations to follow.
      The door remains open for a relationship with me and my family, I just don't get my hopes up that at age 74 she will walk through it and be open to work for a reconciliation. Maybe I'll be wrong.

    2. "She told my father, even before I had children, she was going to skip over me and go straight to any grandchildren. Unfortunately, that does not work for me or for my family. You can not speak ill of me and spew hatred and expect to have a relationship only w. my children."

      Yup. i've had the same fear, feelings, about my b mom and my a parents. and yet on the one hand, you don't want to deny your children what was denied you. you're wise not to complicate your childrens' relationships with family though, and instead simply tell them the truth of who she is, and the truth of what adoptions are. there's no helping some people.

    3. I am not the one choosing not to have a relationship. My mother closed off our reunion within months of us meeting and that was years before I had children. My family and I have offered invitations over the years for her to connect with me and our family and meet her grandchildren. She has refused every offer. Honestly, I have no truth of who she really is because she never let me in or shared anything with me. She had me answer over 300 questions when we first met and when I asked her to do the same, she replied, she had good times and bad and she was not going to answer any of my questions.
      My only point about the quote you pulled above- is that if she has no interest in being a part of my life, she can not as she told my father, "skip over me" and have a relationship with my under-aged children. She is keeping herself from her grandchildren by her own actions.
      My father and his family have great relationships w. me, my husband, my children and my mom and dad. All of us had hoped it would have been the same for my mother but she chose not to be a part of it. My mom and dad have always hoped since the reunion that they could meet my mother but sadly, time is on our side as my mom and dad are considerably older than my mother and father.

  6. I found my parents 6 years ago. I consider them to be the grandparents of my 4 children. Unfortunately, they did not feel the same.
    It has been the greatest sorrow of my life.

    They rejected me, but why reject my innocent children?
    My mother died last year, and I made sure that each of my children visited her in the hospital. My youngest said, "Mom, it looks so much like you lying there". My mother and I shared a very strong resemblance. How I wish I could have grown up with her in my life!
    It's a pain that never leaves me, even in my happiest times.
    I wanted my children to see her in her last weeks, in order to prepare them for my inevitable death. I wanted them to be part of our families circle of life. It was both thrilling, for me, and of course sad and horrifying.
    At least at the end, she seemed to accept us, although there was no real deathbed breakthrough. She was guarded until the last.

    I recently discovered, through a cousin, that my father's family has decided that it's best if they have no contact with me, and by extension, my children. Dad is alive.
    When I found this out I asked, "best for who?". I didn't get an answer. I know it's not best for me.

    I always called Mom, Mom, and Dad, Dad and my kids called them Grandma and Grandpa. Mom had another grandson, much younger than my children, and she loved him very much. My father has children that are the same age as my children. He likes em young. His ex wife is 4 years younger than me.

    Anyway, I'm glad that you have a good relationship with your grandchildren. It's very important. I know how it feels to be rejected by my parents, and it's very bad, but I don't know what it's like to be rejected by my grandparents. Hopefully it hurts a little less. It has to hurt though. I wish my kids didn't have to live with that.

    1. omg before reading this article i never thought about which of my cousins were half cousins and which were whole. my a dad's family is so huge and there are so many divorces and remarries and i have so many cousins. i hadn't considered which ones were halfs and wholes. i wonder if they did, if so, they never said. i never heard of anyone making a distinction.

    2. adoptomuss, your kids are lucky to have you :)

    3. I used "half cousin" only to make it clear that the girls shared only one grandparent but nonetheless had remarkably similar features and mannerisms. As far as the relationship, they are cousins period.

    4. Adoptomuss, your story is very sad. As I have said before, you have the great character that both of your birth parents lacked. Not to be judgmental, that is just the way I see it as a birth mother.

      The act of giving up your child for adoption is one thing, and separately from that, what is now as important is how a birth parent behaves in reunion - today. It certainly sounded like you were disappointed on both fronts, with the people who presented to you after you found them (your mom and dad, I mean).

      It's sad that your children cannot know their birth grandparents, but it's not through any fault of your own. Luckily your children have an excellent role model in you, you are sensitive, caring and thoughtful about life and feelings of other people. Your children will never suffer your particular pain, thanks to your character and determination to be a good parent, and a good person. I know this may not help, but from a bmother point of view, that is how I see it. I think your bparents were damaged people, as so many are. This is said not to make judgments or defend their actions. It's a fact, I can tell you that I and my siblings are also damaged people, it seems more like the norm. But your children have not inherited the legacy from your parents- thanks to you and your efforts. The benefits to your children will last them the rest of their lives. I know this may not help, but FWIW.

    5. Jane, hahahaha thanks for the explanation and i reckoned as much, and really i was poking fun at my own insecurity or neuroses... hahaha a new word omg i have to contend with it and all its meaning and blah blah blah. not really. but the term did catch my mind ! :) it is an awkward balance trying to be explicit and informative and yet talk about the subjective experience at the same time, at least, i find a lot of humor in the awkward descriptions that i have been writing over the time that i have been posting here and on my blog. half cousin isn't really even half bad. :)

    6. by the way Jane, i love the picture of you with your grandson :)

    7. Thanks for the kind words. I tried my best, but I know I fell short sometimes at mothering.
      I think of some cousins as half, and some as whole. It's interesting to me that the half cousins don't have a problem with me (mom's side), but the whole cousins (dad's side) have shunned me.

    8. Thanks. Chris is a real sweetheart.

  7. The ignorance of people is astonishing. My reunion happened 27 years ago. It lasted 18 years, with my son, until his death from cancer.
    But, I still have a close relationship with my granddaughter, his child, who is 26. She often asks me questions about family heritage, and even asks about her dad, since I knew things about him that she didn't know.
    I also continue to work for family preservation and, when "friends" tell me to "let it go" I say, "let WHAT go?"
    This is my life. I still have my granddaughter and I still CARE about what happens to families separated by adoption. I will never "let" it go...

    1. kitta you dropped the mic on that one. excellent.

  8. My mother is a destructive person, not just to me but everyone she comes in contact with. When I didn't want to meet her at her request she not only told me I owed her, but that she would find my children one day and tell them what a horrible person I was. This makes me not want to have children and have cats instead because she found me, she could be waiting for me to have children. Thank you for not taking the tone that all mothers are owed grandchildren.

    1. Mashka, your mother is not owed anything, except perhaps a jail sentence for harassing you. She has NO family connection to you, and is the same as a stalker off the street. I feel sorry for her as she is ill (suffering from madness), but when a person threatens someone, all bets are off. There is no excuse for trying to intimidate someone with threats. Esp. a first mother threatening her child. I hope as time goes by the impact of her actions will lessen in your mind. She ain't gonna tell anybody anything about you, she is a fantasist. Luckily you have support from your aparents and I hope that your mother isn't bothering you any more at this time. Very sad situation. Remember, she is not your problem in any way, live your life as you want to as you go. Perhaps the looming possibility of incarceration will deter her, or already has to an extent. I hope so.

  9. I wonder why my comment didn't appear.

    Karolina Nowicka

    1. Well, for whatever reason, we did not see your previous comment. It may have something to do with the way you came to the blog or if you were coming at it from Facebook, without clicking out of it. Please try again.

  10. Yesterday I wrote a comment which didn't appear. Maybe I'll try once again...


    I come from Poland so forgive me my lousy English. For two months I have been reading articles on single motherhood, teenage pregnancies, American adoption industry, attitude of Christians (Catholics and Mormons) towards unmarried mothers and so on. The more I read, the more horryfying adoption seems to be. I dread to think what it will be like when adoption industry enters Poland. We are prejudiced against adoption but when someone finds a way to make money on it, we will probably have to deal with this

    What can I say...

    To force a woman give up her child for adoption is indeed evil. But to make a woman think that she should do it for the child's sake and thus make her believe it was her independent decision - is BESTIAL. I have cried so many, many times when I read how all of you were hurt, damaged for life, deprived of children. To lose a child is the worst thing that can happen to a woman. Not even rape or any kind of mutilation could be as cruel as what they did to you. I'm weeping... I am so sorry. So, so sorry. I am so sorry for ALL of you.

    The problem of women having their children taken away from them was always very painful for me. I have no idea why. Here in Poland we never had an adoption industry. I knew that some unwed mothers had to give their babies up in order to avoid shame and rejection but no-one made profit on that, not even our Catholic Church. And still I couldn't read or watch anything about depriving women of their children. This was ALWAYS something I couldn't bear reading or watching about. When about ten years ago I read about Magdalene Laundries, a few hours later I vomited and my mom had to take me to the doctor. No, something like that couldn't be done! Anywhere! And yet - it was...

    I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry. There is nothing worse that could happen to you. :(((((

  11. The rest of the comment:

    Now I CAN read about this. Not only about Baby Scoop Era but also about thousands of girls in the 80s, 90s and in the XXI century, who were manipulated into relinquishing their children. Decades of bestial manipulation, of telling women how terrible, selfish and UNLOVING it would be to parent their own children! I can't stand this! No! Right now your bloody adoption agencies together with some celebrities, politician and journalists praise the idea of adoption and present it as a BETTER and MORE LOVING CHOICE for teenage pregnant girls and most unwed women. I can't understand how anything like that can be tolerated!

    How can people say they are proud of their daughters, sisters or mothers giving their babies up??? How can they still repeat the lies spread by adoption industry? How can they

    Unfortunately shaming of single mothers is coming back. Now in America you have a huge problem with fatherless children who tend to do worse at school, be more likely to engage in risky behaviour, get pregnant in their teens, break the law, etc. As I would never say that fathers are irrelevant, I am shocked and terrified that in some people's opinion the solution to the fatherlessness issue is make the mother feel that it would be the most loving choice for the baby to selflessly place him/her up for adoption. That is what your adoption agencies and many Christian sites dealing with unplanned pregnancies feeding you. If you love your child and want the very best for him/her, place him with a loving, married couple as every child deserves to have a Mom AND a Dad.

    Yes. Every child deserves to be raised by both parents. BIOLOGICAL parents. But is one parent is abusive, neglectful or unwilling to take up parental duties, then should the other parent feel unworthy to raise their own child by him/herself? How can anyone say that one loving biological parent is worse than two maybe loving but unrelated so-called parents??? How can Americans believe that adoptees are happier with their adoptive parents than they would be with their biological ones?

    Something HAS TO BE DONE. Right now. Unless we want to face another Baby Scoop Era. I am dead serious about that. I can do nothing, I don't live in USA. But YOU can. You should defend the rights of pregnant women, especially teenagers as well as the rights of unwed fathers who want to raise their kids while their bio mom doesn't. There is a lot of evidence that children from single-parent households far worse that those with two parents and many people think that encouraging unwed women (especially young ones) to place their children in loving arms of a loving couple could solve the problem of both fatherlessness and infertility. That's sick. Even though right now no-one makes any woman part with her child but the coercive language which makes people think this is a beautiful, couaregous act of love is very much present in your life. You don't weep with the woman who gave her child away, you praise her and give her a medal of honor for being unselfish. That's how adoption-option gains support.

    Karolina Nowicka

  12. The rest:

    Of course many people would say that they understand how difficult it is for a woman to place her child for adoption BUT they still believe it's better for the child. In that case you should collect as much information as possible on how adoptees feel. Are they all grateful that their birthmothers bravely chose adoption-option in order to give their children more opportunities in life? Or are they suffering in silence? I also believe that you should ask all people you know four important questions:

    Is it better to be raised by a single, loving mother with no male figures in the household OR by a loving but unrelated couple?

    Is it better to raised in poverty with biological family OR by a wealthy but unrelated couple?

    Is it better to be raised by a teenage mother or teenage father THAN being sent to a mature but unrelated couple?

    Would you prefer to grow up with just your single GRANDmother OR to grow up with an unrelated mother and father?

    I hope the answers would show that Americans still believe in the importance of blood ties.

    If something has changed (or is changing) for the better, I'd be grateful if you informed me. How Americans perceive adoption? Are teenagers raising their kids considered more selfish than those who relinquish them? Are grandparents eager to adopt their adolescents' kids if the young parents are unable or unwilling to raise them themselves? Is it true that Mormon Church LDS doesn't push unwed women to give up their babies anymore?

    I am sorry for all the mistakes.

    I wish you all the best.

    Karolina Nowicka

    1. Regarding Mormons and adoption: Judge for yourself. Go to LDS.org, write adoption in the search box and read the articles that come up.

  13. Lost due to adoption,
    2 grandparents (aunts?, uncles? cousins? unknown)
    1 (and only child)
    1 grandchild
    It could also be said that I lost my Dad too, adoption did him no kindness and made for a very emotionally distant and painful life for him and as a result his children and wife.

    How many generations of human beings does this thing called adoption have to damage before the rest of society (that promotes this chit) gets the flippin' message?

    As far as Kira's question, "Is it better to (be) raised in poverty by biological family OR by a wealthy but unrelated couple?" The ketchup /and or banana and sugar sandwhiches we sometimes had to eat were not ever resented... the strangers among us...yes. Money is not love and love is not money.

  14. I'll add that the resentment toward 'the strangers among us' came in large part from their lack of understanding and lack of willingness to understand how the losses from adoption separation effect (and affect) those that have been separated. As well as their unwillingness and /or inability (hands tied by law/s) to mitigate or resolve those losses IF possible. i.e. if those separated are still living and can be restored to each other.

    The 'strangers' just never did seem to understand the *inability to function, struggling with homework or any other thing* that -they- saw should not be a problem or a struggle and wrote it off as 'you're just a troublemaker or lazy'. For kids themselves, they often don't recognize their own struggles and why they are having such difficulty, or why they are feeling so distracted and sad... or angry. The 'strangers' didn't understand or didn't want to accept that there was GREAT struggle with grief and loss going on. Especially at certain times of the year and on specific occasions. But, pffft, what do they care, they can do a, what looks like a non abusive job raising their adoptling, and it'll all work out and the adoptee will be fine and forever grateful.

    Fairy tales ought to be outlawed.



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