' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Everyone wants to know where they came from, but sperm babies still made with only half a heritage they will know

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Everyone wants to know where they came from, but sperm babies still made with only half a heritage they will know

Press Conference on steps of NYC City Hall, with Sen. Velmanette Montgomery,
 Assemblyperson David Weprin, and that's me with the big green bag to the left.
Today's Jeopardy Question: He once said: “In all of us there is a hunger, marrow-deep, to know our heritage... who we are and where we have come from.”

The answer is Alex Haley, author of Roots: The Saga of an American Family.

Then in the Style Section, there is a story about two black lesbians "Seeking a Sperm Donor Who's Black" about the difficulty of finding a black sperm seller, or donor, as is the common parlance. They won't use the sperm of any of their friends because he--even if he signs papers terminating parental rights--might want to be involved, ya know, one day. One of the woman was up for using a friend's sperm--it would be free, for one thing, "donated" sperm costs $1400--but the other states "I do not want to co-parent with anyone but you," referring to her partner. They have a very limited choice, and one of them is picky about the one good candidate (for health reasons) they finally settle on. She doesn't particularly like his looks. His skin tone isn't as dark as theirs, and she doesn't like that--but from the photo, they both clearly have some white genes intermingled with the black. 

What is missing here?
Any single mention of whether they will know the child's father so that child one day can find out who he or she is! This kind of stuff makes me crazy, and it should you too. With what we know about the hunger to know one's heritage, it is immoral today to bring a child into the world without making available for them a full and complete history about who they are. Yet by this story with this omission published in the Times, our culture accepts and encourages blind sperm purchase to create a living human being. It is wrong on its face, it is wrong ethically, it is wrong morally. Just because science allows this, and our culture encourages it, does not make it right. One day this will come tumbling down, and it will be seen as failed social policy, just as sealed birth records are.   

Speaking of that, mothers who relinquished are needed to add your name to a list of mothers who support unsealing birth certificates. This request comes from New York, where we have a clean bill that might actually pass this year (!) and we need all the names of mothers we can find. You do not need to be a New York mother! More than 200 mothers have signed on already, but more is more, and more is better! 

Decades ago when the question of unsealing the records went to the public in a voter referendum in Oregon, more than 500 women from around the country added their names to be in a full-page ad in the newspaper. I signed, of course, and not only did Jane Edwards, she was one of the Oregon women photographed for the page. (If we can find it, we will post it here later.) 

We may be coming close to the finish line in New York this year, and if New York goes, it is likely several other states will follow, so PLEASE take this action, and if you can, post the link on your Facebook page or your own blog. And let us know you did here. The opposition to unsealing the records ALWAYS COMES DOWN TO "PROTECTING" THE MOTHER. Let us not be the stumbling block to passage.

No one should be denied a heritage because it will embarrass someone. 

Do your part today! Here's the link:
From March 19 in Albany 
NYARC is at the LOB today in Albany, working for all of you! Bob Brader, Suzanne Bachner of The Good Adoptee, Lorraine Dusky, author of hole in my heart: memoir and report from the fault lines of adoptionKimberly Saxen, Adam Pertman, Author of Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution is Transforming Our Families -- and America  and Unsealed Initiative Adoptee Rights New York, Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy and Toff. All in for the Weprin/Montgomery bill. 2019 is the year. 


  1. I believe that everyone is entitled to know where they come from... and if you want a baby, get it the old fashioned way. But, truly, since adoption is here to stay... there has to be a more humane way to do this. A way that leaves heritage intact and still serves the needs of the child - not the adults. No adult that "seeks" to adopt is doing it for any reason that is altruistic. No person that is giving up a child is doing it because they don't care or want to get rid of a baby. At least this has not been my experience... however, honestly, if you want a baby, consider this, do you shop for looks and supposed intelligence as if you were buying a puppy? That's kind of what this feels like to me. And frankly, I totally agree... every child I have ever known has wanted connections to their biological roots. And every adoptive parent I have ever known has started out thinking somehow adoption makes that child theirs genetically....no make that almost every. I can't say that all are like that. But to give birth to a child that you are not willing to tell who the father is or having a child with a surrogate that is not going to be part of the life of the child, that is like deliberately pretending that somehow you are magically having babies. No wonder our kids are confused.

  2. Thank you for speaking up on this. Your words here along with Claudia D'Arcy's, written several years ago, speak that which few liberals are willing to speak for fear that they will be labeled anti-LGBTQ.

  3. Also, how do I add my name to that list?



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