' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: The Lost Post regarding the issues of Tyler and Catelynn, reconstructed

Monday, November 19, 2012

The Lost Post regarding the issues of Tyler and Catelynn, reconstructed

Catelynn and Tyler's Daughter Carly on the Cover of Life Lines Magazine
Carly, Brandon and Teresa Davis and new baby in Bethany ad
In a series of unfortunate events last night I inadvertently erased the whole post here. I had wrapped up the current commotion with Tyler Baltierra of Tyler and Catelynn of 16 and Pregnant and of late, Teen Mom. Having relinquished their daughter, they have become spokesteens for Bethany Christian Services. They give talks at colleges and high schools, showing how well their "adoption plan" worked out for them. Talks, in other words, that can only encourage other teens to give up their babies. Tyler prefers that I use the language, "made an adoption plan" in reference to them, as if that made a difference to what happens to a child borne of one mother and given to another woman to raise.

I am recreating some of what was lost with new material.

Not being a frequent watcher of Teen Mom, yet trying to keep up with the breathless adventures of this couple--he's sleeping outside overnight to raise money for charity, she's gone to the East Coast to
help with cleanup efforts in the wake of Storm Sandy--I wasn't getting all the details right and our intrepid commentors kept finding factual errors. I was trying to correct one when Poof! the whole damn thing disappeared and I could not get it back. It was late, I went to bed.

The details of their payback for all the "stars" of Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant are below in one of the comments, but suffice it to say there that Catelynn and Tyler are financially doing quite well, due to being paid by the production company that produces the show airing on MTV. Catelynn's in college in Michigan, Tyler's trying to break into acting in New Orleans. They bought a house and have fixed it up; they bought their mothers cars, and if one gossip report is correct, Tyler paid for his sister's boob job.

Daughter Jane and Lorraine, 1982
I am not here to lecture Tyler and Catelynn about their decision to surrender their daughter. They had messy, difficult lives in unstable family situations that were out of a modern-day Dickens novel. What we object to is that having relinquished their daughter under the spotlight of cameras, they turned themselves into poster teens for the institution of adoption. They have a video promoting adoption, yours for two dollars. They give talks to teens. Earlier this month they spoke at the University of Missouri, and four nearby high schools, all under the banner of promoting adoption and of course, one of the largest providers of babies in the country, Bethany Christian Services. Young teens will give up their babies because of them. They have become role models for how great things work out if you give up  your baby. They are tools of the adoption industry. I find this nauseating.

Just a few months ago, we had a post from another birth mother who had been addled into doing the same thing for Bethany until she began to feel differently about the traumatic loss she suffered by giving up her child. (Link below.)

I feel sorry for the child, Carly. Tyler and Catelynn have lamented that their daughter did not come to their high school graduation and they are not allowed to post pictures on her on their Facebook page, the adoptive parents, Brandon and Teresa Davis, are certainly not holding themselves back from showing their faces with their babies (yep, they have adopted another) on the cover of a Bethany magazine. When they agreed to be part of the show, they probably never imagined it would become so incredibly popular, but since it has, they might as well go with the flow, right? As long as they control the flow. Incidentally, the little girl, Carly, above, looks just like Catelynn. The resemblance is striking. Cute as a button. Catelynn, incidentally, introduced them to the young pregnant girl who also chose them as adoptive parents--through Bethany, naturally.

I feel for Catelynn--she is the one who gave birth, she is the one who will suffer more than Tyler ever knows, as women are hard-wired to want to nourish and raise their children. The loss of a child is a lifelong trauma, and she will know the full extent of her grief over time. She's cried on camera, and apparently was unhappy to learn that the adoption was not as "open" as they thought it would be, despite Tyler's protestations that he researched adoption before they entered into it. What did he do? Google "adoption?" I doubt he Googled "birth mother pain."*

 Tyler appears to be the one who eagerly has turned their sorrow and celebrity into a business, and himself into an icon for teenage girls. His photographs reveal how cool he is. That said, I do not wish either of them ill. They have their whole lives to lead, and it won't always be this "cool" to be the father who chose an "adoption plan" for their baby, to use the language he so demonstrably said he prefers when he left a comment at an earlier blog. He may prefer that adoption-industry language, but industry workers and adoptive parents prefer it because it so obfuscates the reality that little girl is going to feel one day. No matter what you call it, being adopted reads emotionally as "given up" and "abandoned" by one's real parents.

The previous post had garnered a comment from an adoptee who after reunion was stalked by her mother. As for truly abusive individuals, stalkers or otherwise, no population is without its fringe people. And adoption, with its myriad of emotional issues, does push some over the edge, first mothers included. As I've said many times, my life after relinquishing my daughter was one riddled with sorrow. She is now dead, and I have come to terms with the reality of my life. No one's life is without grief, but relinquishing a child is something no mother should have to endure unless there is no other way to save her child's life. Adoption should be avoided at all costs, as it inflicts so much pain on both the mother and child, the giver and the givee.

Adoption is the sorrow that goes on giving.--lorraine  
* LATE ADDITION: I just Googled Bethany Christian Services and this is what I found: Adoption Agency Ratings

Not good. Not good at all.  More to come.

There was also a brief discussion in the lost post of whether birth parent/adoptee support groups and conferences as well as reading memoirs of adoptees and first parents, are helpful soon after reunion. Jane will take that up tomorrow.

Also seeFormer Bethany "recruiter" speaks up 
How adoption agencies 'turn' vulnerable women into spokespeople for relinquishing
Shotgun Adoptions via Crises Pregnancy Centers
Tyler of 16 and Pregnant Tells FMF Off!

For a look at the emotions of surrender...
Birthmark ...a " raw look inside herself and her life story, including most notably finding herself in the position to make the heart-wrenching decision to permit someone else to raise her child." --Amazon


  1. So it is just first mothers who are "abusive, stalkers and on the fringe"? I don't think so. I have seen and heard first mothers get called every nasty name and term under the sun, be marginalized and dehumanized, but that is okay? Let's be fair, here but oh, that's right... their is no fairness in this game.

    It is futile. Truly.

  2. from http://www.realitytea.com/2012/05/31/how-much-do-the-stars-of-teen-mom-make-photos-plus-catelynn-lowells-weight-loss/

    “Catelynn Lowell and (baby daddy) Tyler Baltierra have enough money to buy both of their mom’s cars,” a source says, “and Tyler paid for his sister to get a boob job.” What is it with these people and boob jobs?

    And apparently the Teen Dads, who were for a time angling for a spinoff according to reports, are also raking in the dough. “The teen dads make a lot of money … the Teen Moms think it’s ridiculous because they don’t have to film nearly as much or do as much work,” the insider adds."

    So yes, they are making money. As far as Bethany paying them, who knows but the damage is being done regardless.

  3. Anonymous: Thanks for the information. Correction will be made in the post.

  4. I doubt of Bethany is paying Tyler and Caitlynn anything but expenses, and Bethany is probably not being paid by MTV outside of certain expenses they might incur since they are getting in kind publicity. But the players probably all got paid something by MTV The Druggers have made a bundle off of their show. The real payoff for Bethany is publicity and hence more consumers and and factory hands.

    Whatever money is crossing palms, however, the real harm is in the mediazation and exploitation of the intimate and the moral corruption this presents with its attendant publicity and celebrity. We all know what happens when the celebrity light goes out. Look at child stars, the kids who were on American Bandstand, Kato Kallen, Jimmy Swaggart, old rock n roll stars. You have to slide back into reality--real reality, and that sucks. Let's face it, Tyler and Caitlynn have been exploited by the media and Adoption Inc--as have the adopters. I bet they wish this would go away.

    Years from now Carly is going to see how she was commodified abouton TV, in print, and on the 'net, and she might not be thrilled about it. Or maybe she won't care. We don't know.

    And I think the same thing can be said about the kid who are kept.

  5. The Teen Mom casts are making quite a buck.

    Amber, from C&T's season of Teen Mom, got in trouble with the law. She had to report her income to the courts. It was discovered that, while applying for public assistance as a "struggling teen mom" on MTV, she was actually being paid almost $300,000 per year to appear on the show.

    I assume Catelynn and Tyler make the same, if not more, because their story is the most popular of all of the 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom stories. I believe Amber's revealed income also ended up in C&T's payment from the shows being revealed by journalists--but I don't remember.

    I agree with Marley. Bethany probably isn't paying C&T other than expenses. BCS is also benefitting from C&T by using their MTV footage to advertise adoption on their website.

    What BCS is doing is unethical. Social Workers are forbidden from compelling past or current clients to speak on the benefit of the agency when it puts them at emotional risk of emotional/psychological harm with little benefit to the client themselves for doing so. This is considered an abuse of power in the helping relationship.

  6. Well, what can we expect in the last days of Amerikkkan Empire. I suppose they may as well rake in the dough now, since soon there won't be any to rake.

    Interesting that it appears to be the men making the $$$$--or at least trying to. Couldn't they have done the same by keeping the kid?

    All Hail Patriarchy!

  7. Tyler was sleeping outside in New Orleans for a charity thing. People get together and sleep outside to raise awareness to homeless youth.

    Catelynn went to clean up the coast with MTV. Other MTV stars including the cast of Jersey Shore participated in a "Restore the Shore" tv special and telethon.

    The women of the show "Teen Mom" get paid about $100,000 a season (give or take). There were four seasons of the version Catelynn was on. Tyler got paid less than that but still something decent I'm sure. Yes they bought a house in Michigan and got it all renovated and stuff.

    Tyler and Catelynn actually have talked about how they respect B & T's decision to not share Carly with the world anymore. They never complained really.

    Also it makes more sense to say they are of "Teen Mom" fame. 16 & Pregnant is the pre-lude to Teen Mom. Each season of 16 & Pregnant features 6-12 episodes. Each episode is an hour long and focuses on one girl and her pregnancy, birth, and first few weeks of motherhood. Catelynn & Tyler were on 16 & Pregnant season 1 and MTV picked four girls from their season to star in "Teen Mom", a brand new series with 8-12 episodes per season. Each an hour long and screen time is divided between the four girls. Each season covers about 6 - 12 months of their life. "Teen Mom" recently aired it's fourth and final season this summer.

    16 & Pregnant has aired 4 seasons and has had about 50 girls on the show. Most of them are forgettable since there are so many now. The only ones who get remembered are the ones who graduate to "Teen Mom". In edition to the original Teen Mom, there's also a "Teen Mom 2" featuring four girls from 16 & P season 2. Soon to be airing is "Teen Mom 3" which features four girls from 16 & p season 4.

    A fifth season of 16 & Pregnant has been filmed and I will laugh if there's a "Teen Mom 4" lol

    It's all very confusing unless you follow it closely from the start like I have,

    Also it might please you to know that only 3 out of the 50 or so girls on 16 & P have chosen adoption. There was one girl who considered it but didnt go far in the process. There was another girl that had an adoptive family picked and everything but ended up keeping her baby. She's actually going to be on "Teen Mom 3"

  8. @Amanda

    Amber reported her income as $140,000 per season. That year they filmed two season in one year so it was $280,000. also Amber made the most money out of all of them but C & T aren't far behind. They aren't the most popular on the show actually. Easily the least popular. She's only JUST getting caught up with twitter followers compared to the other girls of her season, and she gets SIGNIFICANTLY less tabloid and media attention than the others. It may seem like they are living up the "celeb" life but they are actually the ones to stay the most grounded and down to earth. You can tell by the way they carry themselves consistently throughout the show. Everyone else is living up the celeb thing way more, like Farrah and Maci (Amber is in jail).

    That was season 2 and 3 actually

    with the way timing works out and with their contract, they actually had to wait a while until they got the money. They didn't actually have a decent amount of cash in their hands until the beginning of filming season 3. Thats when you can see the nice apartments, cross-country travel, cars, boob jobs & makeovers come in. Before that they really were actually struggling and needing money & government assistance. They knew they'd GET money but in the meantime they'd have to wait.

    also FYI all the "Teen Mom" babies get trust funds from MTV for appearing on the show.

    also Amanda with your comment about BCS and social workers... do they actually use social workers? I thought they were just "pregnancy counselors". Might be a fine line so they can get away with it, idk.

  9. Really people, do you believe everything you read in the celebrity magazines?!? This show is just trash and it is scripted for ratings and its alure for the participants is purely quick money and their 15 minutes of fame. If they don't want to parent, that is fine, make the decision to relinquish the child and move on. Most of the young parents depicted on these hideous "I am a pregnant teen" shows are trainwrecks waiting to happen and probably not good parent material in the first place. Adoption may be the better option, but hopefully there is a trail back to the birthparents for a resource on health history, etc.

  10. "Additionally, I would imagine that they wish all this spotlight on them, and her, would go away. When Brandon and Teresa agreed to be part of the show, they probably never imagined it would become so incredibly popular."

    Actually Carly is the "poster child" for Bethany:


  11. I'm sorry but....

    16 year olds pregnant and wishing to emulate Caitlynn and Tyler for the big bucks by making an adoption plan? No necessary when you can keep your child and still reap the "benefits".

    Why not the other then too? Teens with nothing to lose, seeking to become pregnant simply to be cast on a show and have instant 'celebrity' status?

    Sound crazy?

    Sadly, its not.

    It cuts both ways and honestly both stink of self absorbtion and lack of regard for the one vulnerable being at the heart of the issue: the child.

    I have no sympathy for any of these teens who have turned their personal pain into profiteering at the expense of their children.

    I see no role model in C & T or ANY of the teen mothers.


  12. I generally align closely with Lorraine's point of view in this type of debate. This one is getting a bit personal and nasty, but such is the adoption world.

    I give Tyler credit for engaging, staying involved and not running the other way once he found out his girlfriend was pregnant, like many a man twice his age have done. Whether he or Catelynn come to regret their decision is yet to be seen. Frankly, like any of the decisions any of us made as teenagers, it was theirs to make and shall be theirs (and their future children's) to live with. I think it is demeaning to refer to him as "baby daddy" in the way many women were given the "unwed mother" label. His is a young person making difficult decisions with what he has to work with (often, not much).

    One aspect of this whole thing really makes me think. Especially since this is the third time I'm coming across it this week. They are wondering if their daughter will be allowed to come to their wedding. Then will it be daddy's film premier, mommy's college graduation...? Do they get to attend their daughter's 8th grade dance, or does this door swing one way, with the aparents firmly in control of when it opens and shuts? What happens if those aparents end up in a bitter divorce? Just as many think of the wedding and not the marriage, I wonder how many people consider the "baby" part and possibly the "when she's old enough to decide whether to have a relationship with me" part, but fail to really think through what will happen during the growing up years? After all, that's what adoption purports to be all about.

    I was chatting with two different people this week, one an adoptee and the other a birth mom in this new world of semi-open adoption.

    The adoptee learned as an adult that her aparents not only had contact with her birth mother while she was growing up, but the birth mother died when she was 10 and they did not tell her or let her attend the funeral. There were so many feelings of betrayal and deceit, that the relationship with her adoptive parents was pretty much destroyed.

    The other woman I was chatting with, a birth mom, mentioned proudly that she stays in touch with the adoptive mom through Facebook, although she has no contact directly with her 17-year-old son. I can only imagine how he will feel upon realizing that pictures of his bmom, her other children, where she went out for dinner last Saturday, were all at the click of a mouse all along.

  13. Tyler I hope you come back and read this if not maybe someone one day considering adoption will. It is very naive and disrespectful to call Lorraine ignorant. She most def is not..what she is is farther down the road than you. You have no idea how you will feel or Catelynne or your baby will feel 10, 20 years from now. I do hope that everything turns out well for you because I would not wish the alternative on any one in the world. As far as the adoption agency goes believe me when I say this THEY ARE A BUSINESS and their commodities are babies. You and Catelynne are no more than the goose that laid the golden egg for these people because they are hoping your story will convince young naive fertile couples to come to them so they will have more business. This is not a fairy tale happy ending whatsoever and I pray that some young woman comes across this and really really searches her heart more before making this decision. God Speed..Karen Wheeler

  14. Lorraine wrote:"...I saw Dawn's post on Facebook. Stay strong and don't feel bad! is the message."

    If Catelynn and Tyler knew they had a big payoff coming soon then they could have become emancipated minors and kept Carly. Sure it would have been hard for a while but there was no reason to give Carly up if they were going to get paid a 6 figure income. A classic case of making a long-term decision based on a short-term situation. This information makes me see this story in a whole different light. It does make sense. Reality tv stars do get paid.

    And I bet Dawn is telling them to remain strong. Yeah, don't let the Kool-Aid start wearing off. Don't let these "crazies" (who happen to be telling the truth) start putting any ideas into your head. If that happened, Dawn might just be out of a job.

    I wouldn't be surprised if in the end Tyler and Catelynn do come around to our way of thinking. When and if that happens, we will be here to welcome them.

  15. @Robin

    yeah it's too bad. If only they KNEW they were about to become rich, they sure wouldn't have given up their daughter. They've touched on that topic a few times and use their adoption agency coping skills "we did what was best for her AT THE TIME".

    When they were participating in 16 & P it was the first season of a new show on MTV. Only Catelynn got paid and that was $5000 for about 6 months of work with MTV. Some of the girls on her season didn't even know if the show would get greenlit. They just thought it'd be a simple documentary that will educate then pass in peoples minds. Like other MTV show. "True Life" for example. The people on there can be remembered but certainly they don't end up on tabloids. Or the other girls on 16 & P that didn't get lucky enough to end up on "Teen Mom" with the big paychecks. They had no idea what would become of them... I wish they knew. Their daughter looks so much like them. I wish they had her.

    also that's too bad about the post. I tried google cache but no luck. Anyone better at finding archived pages?

  16. I did reconstruct, but of course it is different. but the photograph of Carly and Brandon and Teresa and their new adopted baby was contributed by a watchful commenter.

  17. As an adoptee, it was a difficult journey for me growing up and knowing that my adoptive parents were biologically not my parents. That was a coping process I had to work through on my own. This is an interesting article -- I have never seen something done from this perspective before. With that said, I think it's important to note that a lot of the information that is being reported on this couple and their adoption is straight from the tabloids and media outlets that tend to only highlight the bad, the worse and the ugly. Be kind with your words, everyone is fighting their own battle.

  18. Elaine: I believe everything here except maybe the boob job for his sister has been part of their own show, for which they are contracted and paid players. No quarrel there; they should be paid. Tyler is very active on Facebook with followers and fans.

    In his photographs, he makes every attempt to appear cool--no smile, sunglasses, attitude, rock star jackets. He may indeed be a movie star one day. For the time being, he is a promoter of adoption.

  19. Tyler has admitted to paying for his sisters boob job. Can't remember if it was twitter or facebook, but he did. Catelynn's brother screen capped it on facebook. I'd link but he blocked me on facebook. You could try to add him "River Alexander Lowell". I actually knew about that before it was ever in the tabloid from a "source". I'm guessing River is the "source" to make some money. He revealed it on facebook first when he was bitching about Catelynn not buying him a car when they're so rich. He's complained about her not sharing money with him before and I told him "if I had someone nag and EXPECT money from me and want to use me, I wouldn't be so keen to give it up either". That's when he blocked me lol.

    And you're right, some of their family and friends get paid for their MTV work as well and are on contract with them. Some are not. There's a few variables that go into it. For example Tyler's dad got paid to appear because he was a big part of their storyline and fans love to watch him (maybe not for the best reasons lol). Their friends who tag around on their pizza hangouts and appear in conversations every few episodes likely aren't paid or on contract.

    on TM2, Jenelle's baby's father never appeared on the series because he wanted no part of it or her life. MTV persuaded him hard and put him a contract and money to start appearing on the show. He'll be showing up soon on the current season.

  20. You can read the article and interview from Brandon & Teresa in the digital version of Lifeline Magazine at this link


    If that link doesn't work try this one http://www.bethanylifelines.org/digital/ then click on "Fall 2012"

    I too find it strange that they prohibited Carly from being shared to the public, then appeared on a magazine cover afterward. Hmmm.

    Also they can thank Catelynn & Tyler for their new adopted son. Catelynn introduced them to a young pregnant girl who chose them as adoptive parents. The adoption was done through Bethany and "counselor" Dawn of course!

  21. "No matter what you call it, being adopted reads emotionally as "given up" and "abandoned" by one's real parents."

    very well said. I'm sure Tyler and many other parents will believe that with words and proper explanation, the child will understand and not feel abandoned later on. Sure they did what they thought/were coerced to believe was best for the child. It doesn't matter how clear and true your words are when telling the child that, emotional understanding will not catch on. Especially with children.

    I remember being a child and crying and being heartbroken because my parents wouldn't buy me every toy I wanted. I thought they didn't love me as much as the other parents on the street loved their kids. Other kids got this toy, why not me? Well because one of my parents was sick and we had tight money and couldn't afford to buy brand name macaroni, let alone buy me every toy I wanted! They also were dealing with the repercussions of spoiling my older sister back when they had the resources to and they did not want to instill the same long term issues in me. Did that make sense to me as a child? No. I'd still cry and be hurt and look at the toys of the neighbours.

    Not saying it's for sure, but it may turn out that Carly will still cry and be hurt and feel confused and abandoned, even when Catelynn and Tyler are saying "it's because we love you. We wanted the best for you".

  22. All I can say is.. thank god there wasn't an internet back in my day. I would have been a promoting fool all over the place and I would HATE MYSELF NOW.
    Thankfully, I was isolated for 10 years, sad and nursing my koolaide sippy box. To think that one day they can wake up and see that not only did they do this to themselves, to their families, to their daughter BUT to OTHER WOMEN too...

  23. I'm an adoptee from the BSE and I have been in reunion for the last 20 yrs with my first mom.

    I will refrain from accussing Tyler or Cateyln of drinking the Kool-aid; we all know who poured their drinks.

    They were 16 yr old kids and made what they felt was an informed decision. The problem I see is that the majority of the information on the net and tv etc are all fed by the same source: the adoption industry. These kids did not make an adoption plan because it would be in the WORST interest of their daughter- they felt it would be in her best interest. Most first moms also thought they were doing the best for their child ; mine included.

    I had the average disfunctional middle class family. My apars should never have been married much less have had children (naturally or adopted). They were emotionally abusive but did what they thought was their best. I missed my first family my entire life and made it clear to all that I would be searching from when I was 5yrs old.

    Had I been raised by my mom its very possible I would have been terribly abused by her first husband- or perhaps she wouldn't have married him at all as she gravitated towards him because of the loss of me. I have 4 half sibs through her marriage to him so I do not like to guess at the what ifs-they too should be here as well as my two kids whose dad is also adopted and I wouldn't have met him had I not been an adoption searcher. I like to think that I, as well as all of us, can learn from the past.

    Adoption should be a last resort-family preservation is always in the best interest of the child. If this country took the $ out of the industry, this could happen. Hotlines for crisis pregnancies should never be answered by adoption industry agencies! There should be social workers for the pregnant parent(s) independant of any angency who facilitates adoption as well as attorneys who represent the pregnant woman and father.
    I also do not believe in amending birth certificates- have certicates of adoption that can show the transfer of custody to the aparents.

    Bottom line is that change needs to happen in this country regarding adoption practices. Adoption is ALWAYS about pain, loss and second choice; the adoptive parents usually have mourned the loss of their own biological children and resorted to adoption to create a family. The first family doesn't chose adoption first; they would prefer not to be dealing with an unplanned pregnancy at a bad time in their life. Most first moms would cling to ANY help offered to support her in making a plan to keep her child and create a life to support the child. When that isn't forthcoming or made in such a way that shows the mom that they are choosing the best thing for their child, then they resort to adoption. For adoptees, we lose our first families, part of ourselves and the future ability to trust in others on many fundamental levels. Often control is important to us because we had none in this whole mess.

    Anyway- thank you all for sharing your insights. I hope that we are able to work together to effect change to this obscene industry within our country!

  24. Thank you Renee, and Sibu03 making comments and the anons--we seem to have a number of new people commenting in the last few days. Adoption is so painful it should never be a business. The trouble is that agencies are able to register as non-profits, as Bethany is--and then, freely run as a business, paying their CEOs and top lieutenants well. And with 70 locations in 30 states and 13 countries, it is big business. Non-profit? Depends on the amount of "salary" you and I would consider non-profit. A quick Google search turned this up:

    Went to Bethany early in my pregnancy. Made it VERY clear, multiple times (before I even walked in the door, in fact) that I was not sure what I wanted to do--parenting or adoption--and that I needed help and information on both options. They promised to walk me through both options and help me no matter which I chose.

    When I had attended several appointments and finally asked for help in putting together a parenting plan, finding community resources to help me parent, and so on, they refused.

    They have refused to provide the life-long post-placement counseling they promised.

    When I returned to them post-relinquishment and asked for information on support groups, books to help a post-relinquishment mother, etc., they could not provide me with a single resource... I ended up telling THEM about the closest CUB meeting. (And later found out they don't support CUB, anyway, because it's too radical... which is absurd--Google CUB.)

    Bethany has individual people who do a good job, but the organization as a whole is corrupt, in my opinion. It is a huge supporter of the NCFA, which lobbies for closed records, closed adoptions, and which put out the booklet "Birth Mother, Good Mother" as a way to market infant adoption--to make women feel that in order to be good mothers, they need to relinquish their children. Doubtful that Tyler found this in his research. We'll do more on this anon.


    Adoption Agency RatingsAdoption Agency

  25. Open Adoption is a scamNovember 21, 2012 at 9:13 AM

    I am another who finds it quite arrogant of the adoptive parents (B&T)to demand that Caitlynn and Tyler not post pictures of their daughter anywhere, but they can pose for magazine covers, gloating about their "happy" family (whom without the natural mothers they get off controlling, they would not have).

    Why have an "open adoption", much less allow TV cameras into your private life, if you are then going to demand that they not post pictures of their daughter? Everyone knows they are the natural parents of Carly. Is some big sacred secret?

    Of course they are now doubting their decision to be on a national tv show, because now they just want to be left alone with the children they adopted. They were desperate for a baby, so did anything to get one. Now, they don't want the pesky public and especially the pesky natural family around reminding them that the children they adopted are also other people's children and family members. How inconvenient for them, NOW. I'm shocked they would have a change of heart. NOT.

  26. "No matter what you call it, being adopted reads emotionally as "given up" and "abandoned" by one's real parents."

    Tyler and Catelynn will have a hard time seeing giving Carly up, er, I mean making an 'adoption plan' in a different light. If you read the message boards and comments, 98% of them are about how brave, selfless and heroic T & C are. There are only a few negative comments along the lines of "I could never give my baby away" or the even less frequent "Carly is going to have issues from being adopted". That's pretty heady stuff for a couple of teenagers from a terrible background. They may have thought they wouldn't amount to much and here they've become America's sweethearts. We have really been brainwashed by the adoption machine in this country when one becomes an admired celebrity for giving their child to strangers.

    Poor mini-me Catelynn, er, I mean Carly. I don't know how she is going to handle all of this. It would certainly be hard to find that you were born to a stable, loving couple (T & C's relationship was stable not their parents) who were financially secure within only a few years of your birth and yet you have to live with the lifelong consequences of being given up for adoption. Not only what Lorraine wrote in the quote above but also some adoptees feel rejected, too. Adoption is based on a lie. Adopted children don't just forget their natural parents as if they came from a cabbage patch.

    Back to the picture. Do APs and non-adopted people really get the powerful connection that comes from looking like their bio-relatives? It's such a strong sense of belonging, of fitting in. When Catelynn and Carly look at each other, they will be looking into their own face at different ages.

    @Anon 12:23pm
    Thanks for clarifiying how people on the show get paid.

  27. Lorraine,

    I completely agree with your last post and it certainly isn't shocking that Bethany lost interest in the mom who was post adoption placement. Horrible!

    I am involved with a local CUB group and one of our members is opening a family preservation non-profit. That is what should be answering the phones for pregnancy crisis hotlines. Her nonprofit will provide a place to learn how to parent, find resources available and hopefully have a place to stay as the girls learn to be a mom. I look forward to helping her reach these lofy goals during the next few years as the agency grows from an idea now to a true group!

    Funny- because the maternity home my first mom was sent to in NYC is now such a place. They have long term care for teen moms...teaching them how to parent and helping them get their degrees and jobs. More needs to be done to switch from adoption as a business to homes such as that.

  28. Everyone please keep an eye on the CNN 2012 Hero of the Year segments which begin on December 2, 2012.

    One of the nominees is a super woman from Columbia whose last name is Escobar. Because of a tragedy of her own, she has started a place where single teen moms are taught how to parent, they're taught skills, they're heavily supported and guided - noone is left dangling to suffer on his or her own! Lines of reclined babies are shown - all the mothers are working together - smiling & laughing!

    There will be no adoption sorrow in Columbia!

    U.S. Adoption Industry - Buh-bye!!! Unemployment line - Here we come! Happy Thanksgiving!

    Do you think Escobar will win? Not if adoption entrepreneurs and other adoption-adorers and uncouth voters in the U.S. have their way! We'll have no smiling and laughing and reveling around single parenthood in the United States of America! Single parents must be punished!!!

    Kudos to the Columbians! Truly a people of respect and honor!

  29. Adoption is for adoptive parents. The minute a child is given up the losses start for the mother, sometimes for the father, too and for the child. Even if the adoption is open or semi-open, even if there is a decent reunion, the losses can never be recovered.

    The child will never have the experience of growing up with biological family. S/he will never have memories of shared holidays, vacations, family dinners or more mundane things like grocery shopping trips, doctors visits or back to school shopping. S/he will not have the opportunity to see a slew of bio-relatives up close to see how her family health history plays out over time or how her family members age.

    The term "forever family" is the idea behind adoption. This is a good thing for children who truly need adoption. For those of us who were victims of unnecessary adoptions it is a life sentence.

    Happy Thanksgiving to Lorraine and Jane and all the readers of FMF.



  31. What's up with all the focus on Catelynn & Tyer having emanated from dysfunctional families? Is that a reason to further punish these poor families by separating them from their children? Why are we compounding the dysfunction? Why do we foist trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma on these vulnerable families? Well, of course, we know why? Because there's money in it! Lots & lots & lots of money in the family separation business that we call adoption!

    All families have problems! We're all fallible human beings! Shouldn't the focus be on helping the whole family instead of plucking out one of the children and dumping the rest of the family members into a perpetuity of suffering? This is utterly disgraceful! This is the cruelest and most unusual punishment that our United States doles out!

    What kind of a nation of cheap pieces of shit are we, social worker Dawn Amann Baker of Bethany Christian Services!? You call yourself a Christian? You make Christianity look bad - real bad!!! It's no wonder congregants are dropping out of churches like wildfire (flies)! Beware of businesses that try to lure you in under the guise of God and religion! Pedophilia and adoption have irreparably stained & sullied Christianity!

  32. It goes without saying that there will always be a few children who will require adoption by strangers: true orphans with no family to take them in, for example. There is foster care for children who are in immediate danger/unsafe environments.

    Personally, I do not apologize, and preface my thoughts, and our agenda, with the aforementioned sentence. That's why single mothers lose their kids - because they're too kind.

    I am aware that we have had to apologize, and preface, and inch our way, out of the pit of hell in the beginning of our movement - campaign because that's how being a minority works.

    Please let's stop being so "courteous." I think it minimizes our plight and gives our detractors ammunition. Our detractors are vicious!!! The adoption industry is made up of ruthless sadists!!!

    If a detractor said that to me today - well, I'm not sure exactly what I'd say; but, it definitely wouldn't be pretty. In a case like that, I would love to just furl my brow, and say something like, "Go f--k yourself," and nothing else. An insult begets insults! Detractors know exactly what we're talking about!!! Of course, we're not talking about the kids who truly have noone!

    Let's not dignify stupidity, obfuscation, and filibustering with an answer. We can say something like, "That's apples and oranges, slick! Nice try!" Now sit down and shut up! Next!

    In theory, I'd like to just slap that detractor! I may say something like, "Sit down! Don't be a muttonhead! Really try hard to find another pastime. Try to get a life!" Next!

    Or how about, "I'm not going to dignify your filibustering with an answer, a--h--e. Please sit down." You'll see, detractors will start respecting us! Let's pinpoint our message and exclude the ifs, ands, or buts.

    Don't try to justify the UNjustifiable sickness of separating families!

    Now there's s good comeback!

  33. It is a tragic commentary on our culture that Teresa and Brandon were deemed more 'entitled' to raise Carly just because Catelynn and Tyler had the bad luck to come from messed up families. It was obvious from the show that T & C desperately wanted to keep Carly and would have if they had had more support.

  34. Dear Tyler and Catelynn,

    Although your comment to this blog's owner came off rather naive and condescending, I don't feel you deserved the flurry that came in its wake.

    I've been, to some degree, where you are. Though never paid, I spoke on a much, much smaller scale on Bethany's behalf many years ago via their panels.

    Much of what you have said, I said. However, time offers much in the way of perspective.

    When someone told me I "gave up" my baby, I was as offended as you. "Placed!" I said. And I agree that, from our perspective, that's what many of us did. Placed or entrusted. I believe that our intention matters.

    However, as I discovered too late, from too many adoptee's viewpoints, it doesn't feel that way. Even in the most loving open adoption scenarios (or semi open), many children report feelings of abandonment. It's horrible to imagine, I know. I ask you to please do your research beyond the context of Bethany's filter.

    Like you, I trusted my Bethany counselor implicitly. I based my knowledge of those who would become my child's adoptive parents on her expertise (which I later discovered was minimal, at best). Looking back, and after some later conversation with her, I know that she was as naive as I was. If your social worker is telling you that an adoptee's perception of abandonment (some, not all) isn't prevalent, she is equally naive.

    Your child is still very, very young. You have no way of knowing if adoption served her until she is of age to say whether it did or not. Until then, you have absolutely no idea what's going on under her roof. It's a scary thought, I know, even the remote possibility that anything but good can be going on there. When I was only a handful of years in, I wouldn't have wanted to consider the possibility either. I think, to do so, would have broke me.

    But, truly, you cannot know.

    How do you think your child is going to feel when she is, say, 16 or 17 and knows you were paid to encourage others to relinquish their children? How do you think she will feel to know that her life, while she was too young to have any say, was made into a media circus by both her adoptive and birthparents?

    You are so very young that it would be easy for you to dismiss me as you have Lorraine as a "bitter old woman." What if that's not the case? Is it possible that women further into this, much further, have learned things that you haven't yet? Is it possible that we don't want to see you come to deeply regret profiting from placing your child?

    When your child comes to you and asks if you made money as a result of placing or whatever she calls it ... how will it feel to say yes?

    You are both young. You haven't yet lived an open adoption or a semi open adoption through to your child's adulthood. If you prefer to say she isn't your child, okay, but understand that's a matter of semantics.

    There were days I was willing to refer to my child as "theirs" or "yours" in order to make her adoptive parents feel more comfortable and secure. Our child made it clear that she viewed things differently, while still young. I have difficulty believing that, in her heart of hearts, Catelynn doesn't view herself as one of her child's mothers. If she doesn't, then your social worker has done her job well.

    I ask you to please do some reading. I don't judge you. Honestly, I don't even watch the show. I know nothing about your lives. Based on what little I've read, I'm quite certain you love your child with all of your hearts and want only the best for her.

    What if the best includes educating yourself beyond the scope of Bethany's counsel? What if the best includes listening to various viewpoints?

    What if the best means you stop making a career out of something you don't know your child will feel good about?

    For her sake, please widen your point of reference.

    All the best to all of you,


    Been There

  35. @Been There wrote:"Our child made it clear that she viewed things differently, while still young."

    Thank you for your wonderful comment. I so much appreciate that you wrote about how the child will feel about what happened to her. Almost everything that is written and believed about adoption and Assisted Reproduction also is only from the adults' perspective. And it is assumed that the child will then interpret things the same way.

    For what it's worth:
    I grew up in a wonderful neighborhood. It is a place that I would recommend to anyone looking to raise a family. The people I went to school with are some of the kindest, brightest and genuinely good people that I have ever met in my life. I am still close friends with many of them. I even lived in a spacious home with a swimming pool.

    Remember the popular girls in high school? Not the mean girls, but the nice, pretty ones that everyone liked? Well, I was one of them (although the swimming pool probably helped me in the popularity stakes.. tee hee).

    And you know what? I would have given it all up in a minute, in a heartbeat to have been raised by my natural mother. Those who promote adoption want to make expectant parents think that the things I just described are most important. But come on, people. A swimming pool? A freaking swimming pool? There is no swimming pool on earth that can compensate for the loss of my families. I mean a public pool is just fine. Thank you very much. And I love to swim and I'm good at it ( a talent I inherited from my natural father, btw).

    I mean isn't the importance of a swimming pool or it's equivalent what the pro-adoption message really boils down to? I had it all and it never made up for the loss of my mother. It can never eliminate or resolve the devastating pain that your own mother gave you away.

  36. In one of the episodes, Catelynn cradles the dog, pretending it is their baby. Tyler remarks contemptuously, "It's just a dog!"

  37. @Maybe,
    I agree with you. The more I learn about Tyler and Catelynn the less respect I have for them. Tyler being abusive to an animal is a huge red flag in my book.

    Chilren do not want to be given away by their parents. Certainly, we can understand why we were given up and in a small number of circumstances it may have been for the best. But by promoting adoption they are giving Carly the message that they are glad they gave her away. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of learning that my mother was proud of herself for giving me up and made money encouraging others to do the same. And poor Carly having to go through all of this publicly.

    Also, at 20 years old they should start to be able to see this from Carly's perspective. And not just parrot the "we did what was best for her and we're sure she will see it the same way." attitude.

    Oh, and in case anyone didn't see the story, the couple from Missouri who won the Powerball have an adopted daughter from China. They are planning to adopt another child with their winnings.

  38. Robin wrote, "the couple from Missouri who won the Powerball have an adopted daughter from China."

    Good grief, even a lottery story manages to have an adoption angle. I saw the girl at the news conference and of course my first thought was "adopted!" but I didn't hear the details. Seems we can never escape adoption.

    Another recent story with a reference to adoption: young mother with 3 children killed one then tried to cover her tracks by pretending he had gone missing from a park. While investgating they read her journal and there is an entry about how she wishes she could give the kids up for, you guessed it, adoption!

    Lord help us.

  39. Robin said: "Tyler being abusive to an animal is a huge red flag in my book."

    Real parent material, right, Robin?

  40. The dog incident will be another nail in closing the adoption.

  41. People who hurt pets and other animals should not be allowed around children, whether they are relatives or not. The next step in their cruelty is often hurting children.

  42. I love that phrasing from people who defend their relinquishments or other people's: "I/they did the best thing I/they could do at the time."

    Yes, that's just the trouble. AT THE TIME. Meaning, TEMPORARY SITUATION. By using that phrasing you ADMIT the situation has changed--and it would have to, wouldn't it? No one stays in the exact same situation for their entire life. People's lives always change, whether for better or for worse.

    Basically these people are committing legal suicide over a situation that was neither life-threatening or permanent. That they both survived a bad home life and still had it together to try to do their best for their daughter should have been their first clue that she would have also turned out okay.

    Alas... they'd rather drink the Kool-Aid and rant at and about us.



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