' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: It's Mother's Day again. 'Birth' Mother's Day too.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

It's Mother's Day again. 'Birth' Mother's Day too.

Mother's Day card from my daughter
Here it comes again, Mother's Day, impossible to miss because of the incessant ads that pop up everywhere, reminding us of our own fractured motherhood. I've been through the gamut of emotions about Mother's Day, beginning when I did not know where my daughter was, and my own mother did not even know my daughter existed, to those years after reunion when I spent the week preceding the big day hoping she would remember me in some small way. She often did not. Oh heavy was my heart!

While I was feeling sorry for myself, I always imagined a big celebration going on with her adoptive mother--card, dinner, what-have-you. There were other children, and her adoptive father who was not likely to let any of them forget. I don't know if that was the case because I never asked. But one year, I got a wonderful hand-made card that said: To my Other Mother. Inside it says: "I couldn't find a card that defined our relationship, but then all truly matters is that is that I let you know, I Love You. Happy Mothers day LORRAINE, love Jane." It must have come with a present, because there is a note on the back about using whatever she sent to "relax after a long hard day."

We can't make Mother's Day into the kind of pleasant and possibly hectic day it will be for mothers who are raising children, who may have a dad-supervised breakfast in bed served on a tray with a rose in a bud vase. The restaurants will be full and there will be beaming mothers everywhere. For florists, Mother's Day is a bonanza. Ditto for Hallmark. But for many, if not most, mothers who surrendered children to adoption this day is bitter without any sweet.  

Lorraine with daughter Jane and her daughter
But the day is ours to deal with as we choose. If other children aren't going to be part of your day, make a plan. Do something nice for someone else. Have lunch with someone who might otherwise be alone. Go to the movies--but stay away from anything with adoption in it. Unnecessary tears are unnecessary. If you are alone, pursue your hobby, go for a a long run or workout at the gym, clean out your closets. If that last one sounds like a chore, it is, but the rewards are so energizing. To let new experiences in your life, you need to get rid of the old. Tidied closets end up feeling like a metaphor for your life. Tidied up. Cleaning closets is highly underrated. 

And if you just want to ignore the whole damn Mother's Day commotion, remember that Monday it will not be Mother's Day. 

As for "Birth Mother's Day," observances throughout the country to commemorate...us natural mothers, I am of a mixed mind. "Birth Mother's Day" is the day before Mother's Day, which makes some sense because we did come first in the lives of our children, but my brain says--f%$#ING BIRTH MOTHER'S DAY? Who are they kidding? Celebrate the worst experience of my entire life?! NO!
Lorraine and her alternate universe daughter

I have railed against these special events in the past, but I have also read blogs and comments by other natural mothers who said they enjoyed the observance because it was an opportunity to connect with other first mothers. Natural Mother's Day? I don't imagine any agency would sponsor such an event. 

But we do change, and if you think you might enjoy spending part of the day with other women who will understand your deepest feelings, seek such an event out and go! You certainly will be able to let down your guard because the women you meet will understand, and not condemn. You won't need to hide your feelings or explain. In the New York area, the Birth Mother's Gathering is from 6-9 p.m. tonight at Spence-Chapin. 

Yet we are wary of an event hosted by an adoption agency for they send the message that "birth motherhood" is a status worthy of honor, the social workers there are likely to make you feel you did a good thing--how brave are you! for giving up your child....So you see, I just can't get behind them when they are sponsored by the agencies whose business depends on mothers supplying babies. Mothers of the children who really need new families because their mothers are addicts, or in jail, or actually dead and there are no family members to take them are not going to be in attendance. These are events for middle class women, who did the worthy deed of giving up a child. Such events normalize the experience of relinquishing a child. They celebrate the attitude that nice "birth mothers" are good girls, a credit to society, saviors to the infertile. None of this should ever be seem as normal. Giving up a child, and thus becoming a mother with a modifier, is always the cause of grief and sorrow for both mother and child, not something to be celebrated. 
From my Alternate Universe daughter

For any adoptees reading--if you are in touch with your mother who relinquished you, give her a call, send her a card (if there is still time) but pass by "birth mother" cards and find a regular one that suits you. Some of my daughter's best cards (other than the one above) were funny ones. Or use a blank card and write your own thoughts--that is likely to be the best of all. Hearing from you on this day, even if the message is a simple hello, thinking about you--will be a huge gift. Of course, there are flowers.--lorraine
Revised from a Mother's Day post a year ago.

PS: I found this at an old post I wrote a couple of years ago, about how my daughter signed a Mother's Day card: Jane wrote quite a bit inside that card, but what is most poignant is how she signed it: "Love, your daughter, Jane." She was 33 at the time, but felt compelled to add:
"Don't tell Mom I signed it that way. Don't lie, just don't bring it up, Okay?"   
And that my friends is as good an example of adoptive guilt as you will find anywhere. --lorraine
From FMF 
How Birth Mothers Survive 'Mother's Day 
Why I'm not celebrating "Birth Mother's Day" 
Mother's Day: The Holiday from Hell, Part 2 
What’s Wrong with Birthmother Events on Mother’s Day? Just about EVERYTHING  
B. J Lifton's Mother's Day card

The Adoption Reader: Birth Mothers, Adoptive Mothers, and Adopted Daughters Tell Their Stories
"Educator, writer, and adoptive mother Wadia-Ells has put together an enthralling set of essays from birth mothers, adopted mothers, and adopted daughters. Each story reveals a different facet of the adoption process and of family life in general. Stories of adoptions of all sorts--closed, international, private, and state-sanctioned--are included here, as are stories of a variety of women and from times throughout the last half of this century. Some adoptions were good for all parties involved, and some were not. Either way, the autobiographical compositions in this reader are consistently fascinating and poignant, and the broad spectrum of the writers' experience makes the book particularly worthwhile."--From Library Journal  
Full disclosure: A piece by moi called "Family Reunions" opens the book. 


  1. Hi Lorraine, thanks for this post. While it might not be an honor to be a natural mother reduced to the context of birth mother, it is nice to have a day to honor them. I prefer Mother's Day. It is not uncommon in my family for the women to send cards not only to their own moms, but to grandmas, aunts, cousins, sisters... there is definitely room for more mothers !

    I'm wishing all mothers reading here a good weekend and thinking of you on this Mother's Day :) <3

  2. This is the first mother's day since reunion that i won't be sending anything to my mother. Her cruel reactions to my gifts have hurt me too much.

    Maybe hearing from me would make her happy, but it would most likely make her angry.

    1. I'm sorry that you have been so hurt Adoptomuss, especially after such lovely gestures. You didn't deserve it and I wish it had been otherwise for you.

  3. Give yourself a present, Adoptomuss, and enjoy your children. You deserve it.

  4. Mother's Day greetings to all, no matter what you call yourself. A nice thing to do for Mother's Day is to acknowledge the mothers you know who only had the one child they surrendered, so are never included in celebrations of mothers. One time many years ago we sent cards to all the mothers like this in our local group, and they were very touched. One woman said it was the first time anyone acknowledged her as a mother.

    Kaisa, thanks for the good wishes. They are appreciated. I hope everyone here has at least a bearable day.

  5. This poem was inspired by the discussion of what to call our surrendered children. The name that occurred to me is "wildflowers" Hope this brightens your Mother's Day a bit.

    For the children of unwed mothers

    Our children are wildflowers
    sprung surprise in meadows
    where no gardener sowed those seeds,
    Every brilliant color, mixed in wild abandon
    Growing where they will,
    with unhampered joy
    exuberant, untamed

    Because they were not planned,
    Not planted with intent to grow
    in structured rows, in formal ways
    Some call them weeds, and root them out
    transplant them into foreign soil, pretend
    They are not what they are

    Wildflowers, more beautiful than those constrained,
    ordered, made to grow in strict walled plots,
    only in borders, proper place,
    only for the gardener's sole delight

    Unplanned surprise, fierce unexpected gift,
    Not an earned, plotted, worked for prize
    They are the fruit of life's desire for life, love, lust,
    God's hand, nature's bounty, trick of fate,
    Random blooming on bare unturned soil

    Our children are wildflowers, growing as they will,
    carrying our wild seeds,
    no matter what you call them,
    no matter where they flourish
    into every flowing future greening spring.

    Mary Anne Cohen
    May 2015

    1. wow ! so sweet :) i love it ! thanks for sharing Mary Anne... and thanks for your kindness :) it is appreciated. have a good weekend :)

    2. beautiful Mary Anne! sharing this one!

    3. Gorgeous, Mary Anne. Thank you so much. I will have to share!

  6. I've attended the Mothers Day Commemoration mentioned above (we don't call it a celebration) for the last 15 years, since moving to New York. The first year, I was extremely reluctant to be involved for all the above-mentioned reasons. But I found none of them to be true. Spence Chapin has always taken a back seat, only paying for the event. Instead of it being an evening to extol the great sacrifice, it has been an evening of empowering mothers to honor themselves as mothers and nothing less, with poetry and songs and sharing our stories. Far from a pity party, it has always been an empowering evening. In the beginning, the Spence people would line the walls in the back and look on, detached, which was hard to take. That didn't keep any of us from speaking our truth. But, over the years, Spence has changed dramatically after hearing our voices. They have become educated and now are no longer in the business of adoption like they were. They simply can't be. I wouldn't recommend an event sponsored by an agency, but in this case their awe of us changed everything for them and Spence, being an influential agency, has changed others. Over the years, great bonds have been forged among all who attend. No one leaves unchanged. The hardest part for me has always been the younger mothers who attend, but they have learned from us. I encourage others to create an event like this. We are the only ones who can define our experience for us, and when we let others do so, either overtly or through our own projection of their thoughts, we remain victims and second-class mothers, instead of the mothers we are. Happy Mothers Day to all.

    1. Carol, "empowering mothers to honor themselves as mothers" is a phrase I don't understand. How is giving your child away, often because of your powerlessness, something to honor yourself for? The phrase comes across as just another way of extolling the great sacrifice.

      Or are you saying mothers should be honored because they gave birth? Something I would think would not sit well with S-C's adoptive parent clients.

      The event strikes me as a way for S-C to divert mothers from focusing on adoption reform. Sort of like dictators, when angry hoards show up at the palace gates, giving them bread. The people take the bread, humbled by the generosity of their superiors.

      As you note,S-C is no "longer in the business of adoption like they were. They simply can't be"; True, true although this was never S-C's doing. They are still in the business of separating mothers and children, albeit foreign children.

      I would like to see mothers being honored for taking a stand for adoption reform, opening records, reducing the astounding high infant adoption rate, ending foreign adoptions except for medically needy children, assuring fathers have a say whether their child is adopted. If S-C would get behind these efforts and switch their business model from adoption to helping mothers keep their babies I would happily throw a party honoring S-C.

      Here's a couple of posts we've written about C-S. http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2013/08/spence-chapin-out-of-infant-adoption.html and http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2010/06/adoption-posters-at-abortion-clinicswhy.html

    2. Hey Jane, I was at Carol's Birthmother's Day Commemoration, and I HAVE taken a stand for adoption reform etc etc all these many years, and I and others WERE honored for that. No dictators have stopped me or many other mothers who attend every year. My attention was not diverted from adoption reform one bit by being at the Birthmother's Day Commemoration, in fact it was an opportunity to catch up and network with other activist mothers like Carol Schaefer, Lynn Franklin, Judy Foster, and also reconnect with some local women who used to come to my Origins support group years ago, and still have the old newsletters and remember the help they received when they thought they were alone. We were not diverted but honored and re-energized to keep up the good fight. Empowered, as Carol so rightly said.

      If you do not approve of this event, don't go. That's fine.It is not everyone's cup of tea. But you were not there to know what actually went on or who was there or what it meant to those women. There were mothers there from their 20s to one Mom who had to be at least 80, and not one of them was encouraging adoption or saying it was easy or the best choice. Some came from terrible pain, two mothers whose surrendered children had died, many whose kids had abusive parents, some who were rejected. None of this was covered up and everyone could speak their own truth and be understood and supported. There was even a mom who found that her son had become a daughter; a transgender person, and she was able to accept that and speak about it. There were some younger moms in open adoptions, and they did not hide the pain either. There was not an ounce of Koolaid, but lots of mighty fine wine, good food, and good company of women who shared a common bond of loss. There was laughter, but there were also many tears. There was some great singing, acting, music, and ceremony in a comfortable setting, and Carol Schaefer, Lisa Venezia, Lynn Franklin and other mothers did a marvelous job of planning and coordinating an event by mothers for mothers.Even activist mothers deserve some down time to be honored and comforted and connect with their peers, and this lovely dinner provided that. If the whole concept offends you, stay away, but don't knock it until you have experienced it. I have gone to many of these events over the years and always come away inspired. At the end, we were all given a card with a silver angel's wing that says "We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing each other".What a beautiful message of solidarity for mothers in adoption reform!

    3. Of course I won't go to this event, even if I were in New York. My objection is to those who claim to support adoption reform taking a benefit from the industry. Take a look at S-C's website; it's all about getting vulnerable expectant mothers to make "an adoption plan."

      Of course S-C doesn't censor what participants say at the gathering. If it did.it would be a PR nightmare. Better having them say it within the walls of S-C than in a picket line out on the street.

      I'm all for mothers getting together. Mothers, however, should pay for their own invitations wine, lunch, and so on. Clearly S-C stands to benefit from the event or it wouldn't sponsor it.

      As for coming back inspired, did you head for Trenton to fight for laws giving mothers the time and information to decide on adoption?

    4. I have not had time to head for Trenton as the meeting was two days ago and I believe the legislators are off for the weekend:-) Jane, whatever you think of SC and the event, you know damn well I would support such legislation to give mothers the time and information to decide on adoption. If such legislation comes up in Trenton I will be there.

    5. maryanne, if you wait for legislation to come up in Trenton it never will. You need to MAKE it come up. Learn what the laws are (a link to a summary of state adoption laws is on FMF;'s resources page, link on the right side bar), organize mothers, find a supportive legislator, get a bill written, and lobby for it.

      You might ask S-C the next time you attend one its get togethers if it would support extending the time mothers have to decide from the current 72 hours in New Jersey and zero hours in New York for agency adoptions.

    6. One of the other mothers who attended this gathering, Judy,Foster, would be much more equipped than me to introduce legislation. She was one of the main people behind the NJ legislation finally passing. She and others hung in there when I could not do it any more, due to depression and other health issues. We are not all lawyers, Jane. I am a poet and artist. We all have different talents, strengths and weaknesses. Law is not one of mine, although writing is and I have always written in support of legislation I believe in and have gone to Trenton to testify even though that is not one of my strengths and I would often end up crying. I have done what I can, I continue to do what I can, as we all do. I have no ties to Spence Chapin except for sometimes attending this yearly event. One of the mothers who organizes the event, Lynn Franklin, might be in a better place to influence or speak to them as she used to be on their board. I get your utter distaste for this event, but resent your implication that I am not doing enough. I am doing what I can. It is Mother's Day, a tough day for all of us, and I just learned that one of the raised kids of a birthmother friend has died tragically and young. Give me a break. No matter how we disagree, I would not imply that you should be doing more or differently for our cause.

    7. This Birth Mother Commemoration in NYC is created by first mothers, for first mothers, and its purpose is simply to honor our connection with our children.

      Jane, when I came to CUB 15 years or so ago I was attacked within the first few hours of the retreat because of my involvement with the Birth Mother Commemoration at Spence-Chapin. And here we are years later, and you still have the same misconceptions.

      This Commemoration began when three first mothers approached the Executive Director of Spence-Chapin back in 1998 and asked them to sponsor it financially. They agreed, and have sponsored this event for the past 18 years, providing the venue, the food and the wine, and the sound and video equipment. The program, however, is designed by a team of first mothers, some of whom, like myself, did NOT place through Spence. We’ve explained that this is a program BY first mothers, FOR first mothers, to you many times, but you don’t seem to hear it.

      You speak a lot about Spence-Chapin, but your comments are completely inaccurate. More than 85 percent of the expectant mothers who contact Spence-Chapin and partake in options counseling/permanency planning actually wind up parenting. And if you were hoping to become an adoptive parent, Spence-Chapin will not take you on as a client unless you willing to maintain an open adoption.

      In NJ, CT, and NY you will find Spence-Chapin representatives in attendance fighting for open records in the entire tri-state area. But Jane, what ANY agency does or doesn’t do is inconsequential to the purpose of this event.

      So for those of us who do find solace and support just once a year at this Birth Mother Commemoration, please allow us this moment. This is not a political rally, this is not part of the fight for open records. For many of us, it is the only place where our feelings are validated, the only place where we get to be with people, other first mothers, who truly understand our experiences. Please allow us to share safely this experience of connecting with other first mothers with the sole purpose to honor our connections to our children. Just once a year. Please.

    8. I don't know if they actually "benefit" but paying for such an event makes them feel better about what Spence-Chapin has done...if those who attend are right, at least they seemed to have learned something from listening to the speakers.

    9. Lisa, why can't the mothers plan and pay for their own event?

    10. Lisa, if S-C were truly committed to adoption reform, which goes far beyond opening records, it would be out of business. With true reform, the number of domestic voluntary infants adoptions each year would go from 15,000 to about 500, not enough to sustain private adoption agencies.

      S-C's mission according to its website is to provide adoption and adoption-related services. One of its goals is to improve the image of adoption. Since S-C can legally spend money only for activities consistent with its mission, the S-C administration must believe that the natural mother gathering advances adoption and the imagine of adoption. For the price if a lunch, S-C has turned you and the others into spokespersons for S-C without really knowing much about its operations other than what it chooses to tell you.

      Be becoming advocates for S-C you make the task of those of us who want laws changed to curtail unnecessary adoptions more difficult.

    11. Jane,

      just wanted to tell you that I appreciate your comments regarding the Spence-Chapin "commemoration" for "birth mothers."

      I think it is hard for some mothers to grasp the concept that they can operate independently of an adoption agency. I don't know why that is...

      Mothers can write their own legislative bills(agencies WILL try to get involved but that is another story) and mothers can have their own groups, celebrations and call themselves whatever they wish...like...mother.

    12. Jane-

      Excellent point re: “why can’t the mothers plan and pay for their own event?”
      As I have stated before, we DO plan it ourselves, but yes, Spence-Chapin provides the funds…because we ASKED them to. Why birthmothers won’t pay is a question for them. It bewilders me as well. And re: the planning, after being one of the leaders on the planning committee for more than 12 years, and stepping down for personal commitments, we found that women want to attend the event but few have the time or energy to plan it. Planning this event is very draining, emotionally, for many of the reasons you cite here. When no first mothers stepped in to take over the planning, the Spence staff did not allow this event to disappear.. They still kept it on the calendar and women still came, and although there was less of a “program”, it still went on. When my husband was ill, and no other first mother stepped in to create the slideshow of everyone with their children at their various stages of reunion, (a highlight of the evening), Spence staff tracked me down in my husband’s hospital room and brought me the photos that had been submitted and I wound up cutting the video in my lobby of Mount Sinai hospital. So make no mistake, this event is always created by first mothers, for first mothers. When they don’t step up, the staff did.

      I’d love to take the focus in these discussions away from the agency, as it gives them much more attention than warranted. Your anger towards adoption agencies in general is clear and I trust not unfounded. But all agencies are not the same, and the experience of birthmothers is equally varied.

    13. Oh, and make no mistake. I am NOT an advocate for adoption agencies, but I do accept that they exist, and work to contribute the first mother’s perspective in order to promote ethical practice. You make an excellent point, regarding the S-C website. At first glance you only see “adoption” and the options counseling that they provide isn’t at all clear on the first page and I agree, that needs to be updated. So while I may complain about it here, I will also contact them, because I make it my own mission to ensure that they hear the viewpoints of those of us who are dissatisfied.

      Railing at the agencies positions us to be perceived as “angry birthmothers”, thus everything we say is dismissed. We have to be constructive with our dissatisfaction, if we want to affect real change. We can tell an agency that they are evil child thieves, yes. We can also, for example, ask them if they are familiar with the research done at the Donaldson Adoption Institute. And when they are not, we can forward them a link to some of the Institute’s work, like SAFEGUARDING THE RIGHTS AND WELL BEING OF BIRTHMOTHERS. We can ask them if they are participating in the OPTIONS COUNSELING PROJECT that is currently underway, and so on and so forth.

      AAC this year had more social workers than I have ever seen in attendance. What a great opportunity to share our perspective that was! Adoption isn’t going to disappear, so lets be true activists and influence lawmakers, yes, but lets also do what we can individually to ensure ethical practice by constructively sharing our experiences.

    14. Thanks for further explaining, Lisa. Your slideshow is indeed a highlight of the event, and the way the pictures are coordinated with the music adds to the emotional impact. I was so thrilled the first year I had pictures of my son and his wife and myself together in 2004, and even more delighted to have a new picture with my husband as well taken this year. I love seeing all the reunited people, the moms with their babies, the wide range of ages and races represented.

      Mothers do plan this event, and benefit from it as support and sharing. No, it is not a political demonstration, but many of us who attend have been in plenty of them as well. Not everything we do as a group of mothers who lost children to adoption has to be political or about legislation. Emotional support is important as well.

      As to an adoption agency footing the bill, I once had a thought it was the least they could do for us:-) No, they did not buy us off. The event would be the same no matter who sponsored it. There are such events in other parts of the country, or at least were, funded by local first mother groups. It is just one more way for those who wish to, to come together for a day.

    15. Lisa, if mothers can't/won't plan and pay for the event, it can't be important to therm. You must realize that the money S-C spends on the event comes from placing babies for adoption, blood money so to speak.

      I'm not angry at adoption agencies -- they are what they are and of course some adoptions are necessary. I am disappointed at natural mothers who can't see their way past a free lunch to figure out what is going on. .

      The adoption industry needs to be curtailed. "Constructive criticism" over a glass of wine won't reduce unnecessary adoptions because it is not in S-C's interests to reduce adoptions. If anything, input from natural mothers will increase adoptions because it will help the industry re-structure its practices to entice more mothers to give up their babies.

      Of course when we criticize the industry they will try to marginalize us by calling us names, angry birthmothers, anti-adoption, whatever. When I argued with racists growing in Chicago, I was called a n-lover. The adoption industry is not our audience any more than segregationists were Dr. King's audience. The people we need to be talking to are those who make public policy and we need to be loud to get their attention.

      I'd be overjoyed if the industry would adopt the recommendations of the Donaldson Institute's report on Birthmothers. It's not going to happen because the effect would be to reduce adoptions. Several years ago we had a bill introduced in the Oregon legislation which contained recommendations from the Donaldson Institute, the Child Welfare League of America, the Uniform Adoption Act, and Anne Babb's, book, Ethics in American Adoption. The adoption industry went after the bill with both barrels blazing.

      The US adoption rate is much higher than other western countries. Take a look at the numbers for The Netherlands which Theodore provided. The US rate is 25 times that of the UK. The reason is that adoption is run by the governments in other western countries but is a profit-making business in the US.

      Lisa, if you doubt what I'm saying, just ask the folks at S-C if they would support a bill which extended the time to decide recommended by the Donaldson Institute-- seven days before a mother can sign a consent and 30 days o revoke. Let me know their response.

    16. The "Options Counseling Project" appears good but won't help mothers make the best decisions for their child or themselves. It assumes that options can be laid out in a fact-based manner and the mother can decide without pressure. The problem is what is not included in the information -- that the best thing for a child is to stay with its mother if possible. This is the position of the Donaldson Institute and the Child Welfare League of America, and other experts.

      True counseling would start with discussing ways a mother could keep her baby and offering resources to help her. Only if every avenue is a dead end would adoption even come up. This is the way Catholic Charities in Oregon approaches adoption. It's the only agency in Oregon that uses this approach. As a result it counsels hundred of mothers and place only a few babies each year.

  7. My Alternate Universe daughter and our story:

    Letters Lead to an Alternative Universe Daughter

    Oddly enough, she is on her way to Saginaw today, a place that figures in the story of her father and me.

    1. This must feel almost like being an adoptive mother, the mother/daughter role without any blood relationship. It must be a great comfort to have her in your life after so much loss. What a fascinating twist of fate! The flowers she sent are gorgeous.

    2. Yes. the difference is, we chose each other as adults. Her mother is alive but they have almost no contact. Jennifer is a real treasure and joy to my life. BTW, she sent me a regular Mother's Day card too!

  8. The 2014 domestic adoption news from the Netherlands is pretty bad though; the number of women making relinquishment plans, the number of women placing and the percentage of placing planners are all well above the upper boundary of the normal range reported by reporting foundation: 95 potential birtmothers (normal range reported as 75 to 90), of those the outcome of 11 was still unknown, 36 raised their chilfren themselves, 26 placed, (mind you, they still would have at least a year to try and prevent the adoption after that), 19 put their kids in semi-permanent foster families and three had another outcome: for example kid raised by other relatives or abortion. Pray, if any god listens to you, that mothers who still have a chance to regain their children by adopting back, aborting the adoption process or by any other means do what's right for their children,...

  9. As we were waved in by parking control at our youngest son's university graduation this morning, the waving man shouted, "Happy Mother's Day!" I'd forgotten, but completely... despite the myriad blessings of raising unsurrendered children. The toxic legacy of my late bmom has made me very low-key about this day of days.

    But not about THIS day of days: my six-foot-five baby is now a Syracuse grad!!!

    Contemporary note: Twitter messages are being posted inside the stadium with hash tag #SUGRAD15. Mr. B's hasn't yet popped up, so my favorite so far: "My parents don't tweet so congratulations to meeeee!"

    A healing or at least bearable day to all FMF friends!

  10. As someone who is feeling the sorrow of separation from a much-loved child, and who is mourning the loss of a mother who did not get to raise her son, my adopted son, I wanted to send hugs and strength to the community of natural mothers on this forum.

    1. Thank you for your great big heart Jay x

  11. I'm a Spence Chapin baby. they sent me a letter with non identifying information, filled with agency speak. They referred to my "paternal birth grandfather" and the like. They wanted me to pay for more info.

    My mother went onto a church looking for help. She was married, to my father. they suggested adoption.

    Spence Chapin sold me to a poor family. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment. i guess i was part of their bargain basement baby program. Maybe because i was biracial, or maybe because i had a slight birth defect. They visited once in the 18 months before finalization.

    Anyhow, i hate Spence Chapin. I always will.

  12. +1 on being sold by, and hating, Spence-Chapin. Not the individuals there, but what they did collectively.

    My best to all of the first moms out there.



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