When is the 'right' time to search? Wait and it may be too late

Lorraine

Should first mothers search? Do they have the"right" to search? We know that reunion is the beginning, not the end, of a long journey, and it is often strewn with pitfalls and disappointments. Yet we both feel that knowing is better than not knowing, that answers about what happened to our children lead to a more peaceful life.

But many birth mothers do not search. They wait. The other day we received a message on Facebook from a first mother who is asking for prayers for her sister, who is dying. Her sister, as you will read, is also a first mother, but a mother who did not reunite. If her son should search, he will join the thousands--millions--of others who reunited with a grave. If you are thinking about searching "some day," that day may be too late.

What [some] adoptive parents don't know hurts others--their children

Lorraine

We do hear from some adoptive parents here who "get it" that the "child" they adopted has two families and it appears to be healthiest for him or her to maintain a connection to that first family, especially his mother, that is not broken.

But. I live amid many adoptive parents, many of them, based on what I hear, are unaware of the inner lives of adoptees, including their own children. Last week my alternate universe daughter was visiting and as she looked around a group of people at a cocktail party, she said, You must know a lot of adoptive parents--this is the kind that adopt. She was talking about professional couples, often with more money than time, with the wife who has a career just as demanding and successful (or more so) than her husband. Most did not try to have children when they were in their twenties. Many long-time second marriages. For whatever reason, they adopted in their late thirties or forties.

Considering an open adoption? What you should know

Jane

Although we at First Mother Forum don't think of ourselves as the Suzy Orman of the adoption world, we recognize that much of what takes place in this world is similar to financial transactions. We've written the following piece to help mothers who have decided on adoption protect their and their child's rights to the openness they need and deserve.

This is a draft. We ask our readers to add their thoughts. We'll incorporate their ideas and post this as a permanent page.

About 14,000 to 18,000 voluntary infant adoptions take place each year and virtually all of them have some degree of openness. We at FMF have learned, however, that mothers surrendering their infants often have little idea of the different kind of open adoptions and are unaware that they can negotiate the terms of open adoption agreements. Often mothers are

The changing status of 'bastards'

Jane

"More Millennial Mothers Are Single Than Married" trumpets Wednesday's online edition of Time. Only about a third of mothers aged 26 to 31 are married according to a study by Johns Hopkins University.

The researchers found that unmarried couples have a higher break up rate, leading to "'multi-partner fertility. ...This kind of family instability ... can be tough on both finances and on kids and leads to a calcification of social inequity.'" In spite of these negatives, the Time article reports that while their kids may lack in financial advantages, they are no less happy than kids in two parents families.

Their happiness doesn't spare these children and their parents from the scourging pen of conservatives like George Will who point to this "illegitimacy rate" and attribute the immorality of young women as the cause of societal dysfunction (conveniently ignoring countries like Iraq and Nigeria which have extremely strong rules on the sexual behavior of women but have erupted in chaos.)

How to F--- up adoptee 'rights'

the Mad Hatter Lorraine

So again this year we in search of justice for the adopted are going down in ashes in Albany. Another year in which thousands of adoptees born in New York state like my daughter will be denied their original birth certificates which would have the er, real, parents in the lines where one's real mother and father are to be named. 

Today I am too riled up to not use Real because first mothers are the er, real biological mothers in the minds of real people, so though we understand all parents are in a sense, real, go with this today. We mothers not in the closet are the oppressed today, and yesterday, and just as native Americans do not want to be called Redskins, we do not want to be called anything other than real mothers today. 

The bills in New York that we had so much hope for were amended way beyond reasonable. It includes a birth parent veto. Period. Before anything at all is released, the birth parents must be found (within four months) and give their notarized permission. If the birth parents can't be found to give their permission for their names to be released, or they do not respond, a judge can decide that doing so would be detrimental to the "welfare" of the "birth or adoptive parents." 

Adoptees and first parents for access to OBC --In today's NY Times

Lorraine testifying in January at hearing for adoptee right

With only four days left for legislators to do something in New York to give adoptees their constitutional right, the  New York Times finally covers our struggle--read it and let's give 'em hell in Albany!

 Today's article: 

• New York Adoptees Fight for Access to Birth Certificate
  

  By EMILY BRENNAN

• "....Advocates for the bill, including Lorraine Dusky, 71, a writer in Sag Harbor, N.Y., argue that many biological parents would not object to it.
• >"She said opponents were conflating two different things: the public shame — now largely a thing of the past — of an unwanted pregnancy, and the private matter of children’s knowing the identity of their biological parent."
• THERE WAS NO COMMENT SECTION AT THE TIMES SO WRITE A LETTER
• 
  

  Letters should be exclusive to The New York Times

  
  Letters should preferably be 150 to 175 words, should refer to an article that has appeared within the last seven days, and must include the writer's address and phone numbers. No attachments, please.
  
  We regret that because of the volume of submissions, we cannot acknowledge unpublished letters other than by an automated e-mail reply. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified within a week. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.
  
  To send a letter to the editor:
  
  letters@nytimes.com (for readers of The New York Times)
  Letters should preferably be 150 to 175 words, should refer to an article that has appeared within the last seven days, and must include the writer's address and phone numbers. No attachments, please.
  
  We regret that because of the volume of submissions, we cannot acknowledge unpublished letters other than by an automated e-mail reply. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified within a week. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.
  
  To send a letter to the editor:
  
  letters@nytimes.com (for readers of The New York Times)
• AND THEN: 
• Contact Governor Cuomo:
• http://www.governor.ny.gov/contact/GovernorContactForm.php

Contact the Speaker of the House, Sheldon Silver
http://assembly.state.ny.us/mem/Sheldon-Silver/contact/

Contact the leader of the Senate Health Committee, Kemp  Hannon: 
http://www.nysenate.gov/senator/kemp-hannon/contact

Contact the leader of the Senate, Dean Skelos: 
http://www.nysenate.gov/senator/dean-g-skelos/contact

AND DON'T FORGET TO CONTACT YOUR OWN ASSEMBLYMAN AND SENATOR. The time for politeness is over. People have lost their rights for far too long. The time to right this wrong is now! Let them hear us roar! --lorraine

ALSO FROM FMF: Gov. Cuomo: Right the wrong of sealed birth certificates THIS YEAR

What's wrong with stepfather adoption?

Lorraine

Thousands of fathers will not be celebrating Father's Day...either with all their children or expecting a phone call. These men let their children's step-fathers adopt their kids and now live with "what if" so familiar to those who lose their children to adoption. Consider this anecdote of a man we encountered recently: 

Three generations are sitting at the end of a table. A man in his forties, his grandmother, and his father. Son and father are the spitting image of each other--and both look like Grandma. The subject of legal costs came up. The son says that at his company, he paid six dollars a month for a legal insurance policy that would cover simple legal matters, and so he asked if that would cover the cost of "fixing" his birth certificate since his it did not have his father's name on it--but the name of the man who was married briefly to his mother and "adopted" him. "In future generations they will be able to trace the family, but they they'll come to me and take a left turn," he said, matter-of-factly but obviously frustrated.

Egg 'donor' and child unite on 'Katie'

Jane

UPDATE on 6/12: Katic Couric successfully navigated the reunion between Britten Gilmore, her mother Janet Schreibman, and Brittan's "egg donor" JoLana Talbot and Talbot's two daughters. Couric and her guests minced no words in emphasizing the importance of knowing biological relatives and the joy of establishing a relationship with them. Kudos Katie! 

What we found remarkable was the complete openness of Britten's parents, who told her the truth about her origins when she was old enough to ask (apparently where babies came from), and continued to answer her questions as she got older. JoLana Talbot said everyone should have all the friends and family they could, and the Schreibmans spoke of expanding their own family. Hugs all around. Britten and her half sisters, especially Talbot's younger daughter, look very much alike. When JoLana mentioned "strong genes" we noticed that nobody winced. 

For the half hour that this story took up, little was asked of Britten's father, who is both her day-to-day dad and her biological father.  Wendy Kramer who, with her son, founded the Donor Sibling Registry spoke from audience, saying that since the registry began in 2000, it had made 11,000 matches. FMF assumes that the site is booming today. Reunion shows always lead to an uptick in search and reunion.
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When adoptive parents reject the birth/first mother--they reject the 'child'

Woman at work

When I met my daughter and her other parents, it was 1981, and "open" adoptions were unheard of, and just as unheard of were natural mothers popping up for reunions--and meeting the adoptive parents. In some ways, my initial meeting with both my daughter and her parents was made a lot easier by the fact that no one knew exactly what to do and the insidious language that permeates adoption today was not yet written. 

So everyone was going on instinct--let's do the best for "our" daughter, and the weekend went smoothly. 

What went so right? My daughter Jane's parents were welcoming me into their home. This let my daughter--who was 15 at the time--see that it might be possible to have a relationship with both kinds of parents: those who raised her,

A birth mother remembers the first call to the adoptive parents

Lorraine

I remember the fear I had when I had to call my daughter's adoptive parents and tell them that I was "our" daughter's other mother. Would they reject me and slam down the phone? Would they call the police? How could I assure them that I did not want to steal my daughter back?

There isn't a lot you can say to make yourself presentable--saying "I don't want my daughter back" is a lot like trying convince someone that you are not a racist. But before I got to that, I had to introduce myself and tell them who I was: My name is Lorraine Dusky and 15 years ago on April 5, 1966 I had a baby girl at Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester, New York, and I believe that girl is Jane.

Then I held my breath. Because my daughter Jane was not an adult, I felt I had to go through her adoptive parents.

Secrecy in reunion: How can I tell my adoptive parents? Or my other family?

Jane

Is it safe to make contact in a way that would protect my MOM, but allow me to know my birth mother?" inquired one of our readers. She went on to tell us:

"I am an older adoptee ... (54) my birth mother is 73 and my adoptive mom is 83. My "MOM" has never wanted me to search for my birth mother and so I didn't for many years, because I'd never knowingly hurt her. I've just recently had the search done and want to contact my birth mother, but don't want my "MOM" to know as this would hurt her very badly. I am an only and have no children, and I'm not sure if I want to get to know my half-siblings. (I have good reasons for that.) There is no way I am telling my adoptive mother about this, (my Dad passed away in 2007.) She'd not understand."

Gov. Cuomo: Right the wrong of sealed birth certificates THIS YEAR

Lorraine

In New York, we watched our neighbor New Jersey pass legislation that allowed a time period for mothers to request that their names be removed from the original birth certificate. We understand that the legislation, after more than three decades, was the best that Gov. Chris Christie would sign, and yesterday he did. In New York, we have the promise of nearly all the votes we need--if we could get our legislation to the floor.

But a few powerful legislators have been able to stymie the legislation year after year by preventing it from coming to a vote. They are Dean Skelos, Kemp Hannon, Helene Weinstein and Sheldon Silver. They are Republicans and Democrats. They are all from New York City or Long Island. They drive me crazy. Gov. Cuomo has not revealed his leanings, but he is so political (and clearly wants to be president) that it seems likely that if he sensed pushing the legislation would help him reach those ends (and he is running for re-election this year), he might do something.

How much does DNA matter?

Lorraine and daughter, Jane, 1982

How twins separated at birth relate to one another when reunited has fascinated behavioral scientists--and me too, ever since I plunged into that group of mothers who would give up a child and later be reunited. Did my daughter and I find many seemingly uncanny similarities? That grew and strengthened as we got to know one another? 

Yes. And yes. Honestly, our reactions to life were so similar that there were times it was as if we had never been separated. One of my fondest memories is sitting in the outdoor garden at the top of the World Trade Center (yes, there was one once) for a half hour, sitting on a park bench, and watching helicopters dance around the Manhattan skyline. Not only were we both not afraid of heights, we sought them out. But I've written about our similarities before so first time readers will have to take this at face value or check out some of the links below. 

Assisted reproduction ignores the best interests of the child

Jacob Szfranski, unwilling to be a father

Last week, a Chicago judge awarded custody of frozen embryos to Karla Dunston over the objection of her ex-boyfriend, Jacob Szfranski, who donated the sperm used to create the embryos with her ova. In 2010, 38 year old Dunston, a physician, learned she had cancer and treatment would render her sterile. After the embryos were created and frozen, Szafranski decided he did not want to be a father and sued for custody of the embryos.

A trial court ruled for Dunston based on the fact that her desire to be a mother outweighed his desire not to be a father. An appellate court reversed, holding, according to the Chicago Tribune, that "the case should be decided based on contracts and agreements between the two parties rather than just who has more compelling interest in the fate of the embryos." (emphasis added). On Friday, the trial court again awarded the embryos to Dunston. Szafranski said he will appeal again.

Why I won't miss Barbara Walters

Lorraine

Barbara Walters--as everyone with a television set know--retired the other day with a great deal of fanfare on the tube acknowledging her role as someone who pioneered women in broadcasting. I watched The View wondering if there would be a mention of her adopted daughter because Walters rarely if ever mentioned her. Nada.

But earlier that day on Good Morning America Walters read a message from her daughter, Jackie, that made her eyes mist, as I learned later from a clip: "I just wanted to say I was thinking of you tonight. Tomorrow is a special day. You have impacted this world as very few can. This is a transition towards a new journey. I love you and wanted you to know how proud I am of you." 

Jason Patric wins right to be a 'father'

Jason Patric--sperm donor and daddy

UPDATE: A California Appellate Court yesterday reversed a lower court which held that as a sperm donor, Jason Patric had no rights concerning his child--even though he was the only father the child had ever known. The Appellate Court sent the case back to the lower court to determine Patric's legal rights, The case is expected to resume at trial where it left off in February, 2013. In this case, common sense and the law converged. The post below was written before the decision, and it trumpets our belief than whenever possible, the rights of the biological parents of a child should be preserved--not only for the father and mother, but also for the health and well-being of the child. 
 ________________________

Mother's Day is here: Do something to chase away the blues

Lorraine 

Okay, it is that terrible day again for many of us--mothers whose children were adopted. I've certainly had my share--when I didn't know where my daughter Jane was, and then after I found her, she rarely acknowledged me on this day, and that felt terrible too. In my mind I could see her buying flowers for her other mother, the family going out to lunch, a funny card--you know, the whole works--while I didn't even get a phone call.

Some of you are in the same position today and damn! it hurts.

But instead of letting self-pity engulf you today, get up and do something that you like--or will at least keep you occupied: weed the garden, clean out the closets, go to the movies (no sad ones!), go shopping (and treat yourself to something nice),

On Mother's Day: What does it mean to be not 'ready to parent'?

Basketball MVP Kevin Durant and his Mom

Wanda Pratt, poor, black, young, single raised her son Kevin Durant to be a giant, not only the best player in the NBA, but a man of charity and grace. As he received his MVP trophy, Durant shed tears of thanks for his mother's love and dedication and Pratt shed tears of joy.

As I watched this moving scene, I thought of Sydney Syverson whose essay about giving up her daughter for adoption appeared in the "Less Travelled Roads" column in the Spring edition of Portland, the quarterly alumni magazine of the University of Portland, a Catholic college in Portland, Oregon. Syverson, white, middle class, educated, in her 20's proudly explained that she surrendered her newborn daughter to biological strangers "not only the best

Who's your Daddy? Why some first mothers won't tell

While we at First Mother Forum encourage mothers to tell their children who their fathers are, we know it's not rare for mothers to be reluctant to reveal this information--or to downright refuse to tell. 

Adoptee/memorists B. J. Lifton, Amy Dean, Jean Strauss, and Zara Phillips write of their struggle to learn their father's identity. Lorraine readily shared information with her daughter Jane about Jane's father. Blogger Jane didn't need to tell her daughter Rebecca who her father was--she found him before she found Jane.

We understand the need to know about one's father, and appreciate the frustration when mothers refuse to tell. Since we don't believe that people in general and birth mothers in particular are cruel, we offer

Daughter reveals why she walked away after reunion, Conclusion: Part 5

Jane and Lorraine--before or after this break? Don't remember. 

A continuation of the story started on April 27.  (Taken together, they are a chapter from my memoir-in-progress, hole in my heart. 

A few weeks later. It is a gray cold day, Tony is outside raking leaves. I want to be alone when I make this call. I sit in the kitchen at the table and punch in Jane’s number. Bill answers, registers neutral. He says they are working in the yard, he’ll tell her I’m on the line. Would she even come to the phone? A minute later Jane picks up and says, Hello. I breathe deeply and begin:

I know we talked about this before, and I’ve told you what it was like back then, but today I just wanted to say, I’m sorry—I’m sorry you were adopted.

My (reunited) daughter doesn't speak to me: What did I do now? Cont., Part 4

The weekend Jane and I met, 1981

Fall 2003. I am on a panel of birth mothers at a Concerned United Birthparents retreat. One of the other women speaks rather long and forcefully about her therapist telling her repeatedly that giving up her child “was not her fault,” words a therapist had her repeat until she believes it, she feels it, she knows it. Her relationship with the father is a fleeting one-night stand in France, and maybe she does feel that way but I find her insistent “not my fault” message at odds with my own frame of mind. I did give a baby up for adoption. In some way, that was my fault. I've always tried to own up to what I did.

When I get up to speak, I talk about taking responsibility for our actions, no matter what. There's no winner, no polling of the audience, no instant feedback. I have no idea how those in attendance react.

 Later I attend a healing session led by Carol Schaefer, author of The Other Mother. Now as I hear Carol’s soothing voice, guiding our visualization, I see Jane [my daughter] coming toward me,

What did I do wrong now? Cont. Part 3

Happier times, Jane and Lorraine 

This is the third part of a four (or five) part series about my relationship with my daughter when, after a seemingly great couple of years of reunion, after knowing her for more than two decades, she suddenly and inexplicably pulled back. Links to the first two parts are at the end of this post. This is from my memoir still in progress, hole in my heart.

Summer.  I go to Wisconsin to pick up Britt [my daughter's daughter] for her summer visit, which will be for two months. Jane [my daughter] and Bill [her husband] are living in his small cabin in the woods, and Britt stays with the Rhymers [Jane's adoptive parents] during the week, and attends the same elementary school as she did before Jane married. Though Britt had flown by herself from Madison to New York before, after fanatics in airplanes brought down the World Trade Center, the Rhymers insist I come to Wisconsin to pick her up. I’ll fly in on Saturday, we’ll leave on Monday, and maybe I’ll be able to talk to Jane and patch up whatever needed patching. They will try to broker this, Gary [Jane's adoptive father] says.

What did this first mother do wrong now? Cont.

Lorraine

Continuing the story of my daughter's strange and hurtful behavior, when we had been close and she suddenly pulled back and wasn't talking to me, answering the phone, or emailing. I was dead meat to her.

April, same year, 2003. At American Adoption Congress’s 25^th anniversary convention in Atlanta, I am one of the keynote speakers. The AAC is comprised of adoptees and both first parents and adoptive parents, and stands for openness in adoption, including taking down the sealed-records statutes. I talk about the early days of this movement, and how far we still have to go. I do not gloss over the rabid opposition we faced then, and still do.

UPDATED: NJ adoptees to get birth certificates in 2017

Pam Hasegawa 

UPDATED ON 4/29

New Jersey will soon join the list of states giving adopted people their birth certificates. In a compromise worked out with Gov. Chris Christie, first mothers will have until the end of 2016 to have their names redacted from the original birth certificate (OBC).   After that date, adopted individuals at 18 may request their original birth certificates.

Yes, this is not a perfect bill. Yes, it unfairly gives a few birth mothers the opportunity to deny their children the truth of their origins. But given that the choice was either this--or nothing--as long as Christie was governor, the New Jersey Care people, after fighting for change for more than three decades, agreed to this compromise. FMF salutes them for making the wise choice.

First Mother to (reunited) daughter: What did I do wrong now?

Lorraine and Jane, 1982 

I may have published this excerpt from my memoir, hole in my heart, earlier but last week another first mother was suffering the pangs of have her daughter leave her inexplicably once again, and at the same time I was going over the section below about just that. So for my sister first mother, and all of us who have suffered through this, I am repeating this section here. For new readers, I relinquished my daughter in 1966 in a closed adoption, and we reunited in 1981. So we had a lengthy relationship by the time we step into my life here in 2002.

Attachment disorder in adoption--and parents who don't recognize it

Jane

John Brooks has a message for those who have adopted or are thinking of adopting an older child or a child from another country. It is NOT like adopting a pet. A child--any child--but especially those who have been traumatized need love and acceptance, not harshness and punishment.

The Girl Behind the Door is John Brooks's memoir about the 18 month old girl he and his wife, Erika, adopted from a Polish orphanage in 1991, and who killed herself at age 17. Like many couples whose fertility treatments fail, the Brookses turned to adoption. They rejected domestic adoption because of the risk that the mother-to-be would change their mind. The foreign adoption scene looked bleak, long waits, countries closing their doors. Then they learned that a few children were available in Polish orphanages. Since Erika's parents had immigrated from Poland and she spoke Polish, it seemed a perfect fit.

The post-Easter reminiscence: Everybody's Got Something

Before we began

I meant to write a post for Easter but I was so busy with cooking for 12 on Friday and Saturday, time got away. And then Sunday was taken up with the more-or-less annual Easter lunch. Here I am today, Monday afternoon.

Holidays can be depressing for anyone whose family is far-flung--whether or not there is a relinquished child in the past--and it certainly has been that way for me. It took some years but eventually I learned that as a transplant from the Midwest I needed to recreate the kinds of holiday events that I grew up with. As for Easter? In the Polish household is is not a holiday to be sneezed at!

My earliest memories surrounding the day include getting up shortly after six on Holy Saturday and coming downstairs to find my mother making bread--something she only did on this day. As soon as I was able she let me knead the dough. Push down with the heel of your hands, fold it over and do it again.

How to influence lawmakers to reform adoption law

Jane

I played hooky during the recent American Adoption Congress conference and spent time with my youngest daughter Julie who lives in San Francisco and my husband Jay. Julie works in politics, helping solid Democrat candidates get elected.  Here's her advice with some of my own thoughts about getting legislators to support adoption reform.

The average legislator likely knows nothing about adopt reform. Ask him what he thinks about adoption and he's likely to say "It's unfair to mothers who were promised confidentiality to open records. Adoption needs to be easier and quicker so that deserving couples can get babies."

A whopping YES to the question: Should adoptees have their birth certificates?

Lorraine

Ninety-five percent of the people who voted in the poll sponsored by New York NOW , a NPR affiliate from Albany, were in favor of adoptees having unrestricted access to their original birth certificates at age 18. The voting is closed.

Yes, we know this is not a scientific poll. But it is a no-brainer that adults--who have every other right and obligation of society--should unequivocally have the right to his or her original birth certificate, the official record of an individual. The amended "birth" certificate is a lie. It is not a record of a birth; it is a record of a legal adoption. Yet in all but eight states some restrictions prevent all adopted people from having the right to own this piece of paper--about themselves.

Do adoptees have a right to their birth certificates? VOTE NOW.

UPDATE: LINK TO VIDEO

Bill of Rights for adoptees pushed in Albany

Lorraine at public hearing on adoptee bill

Do you believe adopted individuals should have the right to access their original birth certificates at age 18? A controversial bill in New York would allow just that.  (Several other states are trying to also do the right thing.) Vote here!

The question 160 years ago would have been: Do you believe that people brought here from Africa should be freed from slavery? A controversial bill in Washington would allow just that. Vote here!

The battle is on again in New York to allow adopted people the same rights as the rest of us who are not adopted--the right to know who we were when we were born, who our real* parents are.

At AAC: Transracial adoption from those who live it

Jane & Julie at Chinatown Gate

Jane here. I'm at the American Adoption Conference in San Francisco with my husband, Jay. Along with hearing some great speakers, I'm spending some time with my youngest daughter, Julie, who moved here from Washington DC last year. Last night the three of us went to Chinatown for dinner.

San Francisco always has special meaning for me because my first daughter, Rebecca, who I surrendered, was born here. While awaiting her birth, I lived only a few blocks from the hotel hosting the Conference. I don't find myself stressed out over this, no grief, no sighs of sorrow. I am happily living in the present, at least now.

My experience at this conference is totally different from my first AAC conference in 1998, a few months after Rebecca and I connected. Then my long held secrets were exploding, bursting to come free. I found myself telling strangers things I had never told anyone. I was so excited to hear others say what I had only thought and was never sure if my thoughts reflected truth or

'Burger King Baby' is thrilled to meet her 'birth mom'

Lorraine

In contrast to the situation we have been discussing at the last post*--about a woman who wrote to us stating that she does not want to meet her first mother--is the Burger King Baby who actively searched for her mother, and was thrilled to meet her.

Katheryn Deprill, 27, who was left as a  newborn in the bathroom of a Burger King in Allentown, Pennsylvania, teared up this morning on the Today show as she recalled meeting her biological mother, Cathy Pochek, for the first time two weeks ago. 

“It’s so surreal; never in a million years did I think this was going to happen,” Deprill said.

An adoptee doesn't want to meet her first/birth mother

Lorraine

The other day we received this comment at the bottom of our permanent page of tips on how to write to your first mother the first time.

I truly mean no harm, but I find these dos/don't to be offensive. I am 26 years old and I was adopted when I was 5. I have little memory of the events that led up to it.  

Forgive me if I am being insensitive, but I feel as though these given rules are all placed to protect the birth mothers. Regardless of what when on, the fact remains that if we were not raised by these women, they are not our mothers, they are our birth mothers. 

If you choose to give your child up, you have to live with that. I don't think it's fair to refer to the people who chose to raise us as their own to be referred to as anything but a mother/father.

Nashville confronts real-life issues: When a girl takes after her daddy

Lorraine

Nashville, the ABC nighttime drama, plunged head first the other night into the complex issue of when to tell someone the truth about biology--as in, that baby is yours. Before we get to the heart of the matter, a recap is in order here for those who aren't regular watchers: 

Guitar player, singer, all-around-cool-but-troubled guy Deacon Claybourne is the biological father of superstar country singer Rayna Jaynes's oldest daughter, Maddie. She discovered this amazing fact about herself when she was 12 or so, and found her birth certificate. Now Maddie, after a growing relationship with her natural father, has posted video of herself singing a song she says she wrote with her "dad"--and then uses the name "Maddie Claybourne" (not her legal name). Her legal name is that of the man Rayna has been married to since before she was born, and whom she thought was her daddy in every sense of the word. All hell breaks loose.

Jean Paton: A reformer ahead of her time

Jean Paton, the pioneer of adoption reform was not an activist; that was left to adoptee Florence Fisher, as well as our own first mother Lorraine Dusky, and many others. Although Paton was convinced that adoptees needed to reunite with their birth family to become whole, she eschewed behavioral scientists, she left it to adoptee Betty Jean Lifton and others to frame adoption separation in psychological terms. Paton was a visionary who saw beyond opening records and psychological cures for primal wounds, arguing for replacing adoption with guardianship, allowing children to keep their original identities and connection to their birth families. She was brilliant and courageous but also disagreeable and argumentative; her writings were often obtuse and verbose. In his excellent, lengthy biography, Jean Paton and the Struggle to Reform American Adoption, historian E. Wayne Carp uses her own words--she gave him access to all her papers--to tell her story.

Adoption and who's my daddy are themes as ancient as Oepidus

Stephen Tompkinson as DCI Banks

So turn on the TV and watch prime time and you're going to run straight into adoption or paternity mixups: Nashville; Modern Family; The Blacklist; Crises; Revenge. And even the British crime drama I tuned into last night--DCI Banks. That seemed like a safe enough show, right? There will be a murder in the first few moments; it will be solved an hour and a half later, right? Probably won't be confronted with adoption, right? No triggers, right?

Ha!

Adoption court documents contain the raw realities of adoption

Sarah Morris

"I can't find a way to adequately describe the feelings elicited by seeing the documentation of the transaction that sent me into adoption. I keep coming back to trauma, anger, shock, horror, sorrow, and loathing for all those in power who were involved," began Oregonian Sarah Morris as she wrote about the 53-year old documents that transferred her legally from her first mother to her adoptive parents. This January, Oregon became the first state to allow adult adoptees to see their court file, other than the home study.  Sarah has reunited with her first mother and members of her father's family. 

NCFA no longer opposes unsealing adoptee birth records--Yea!!

Reunited without birth certificate, Jane (l) and Lorraine

All birth certificates will be unsealed one day, William (Bill) Pierce, who founded the National Council for Adoption, once told our reform firebrand, Florence Fisher, founder of ALMA. When NCFA (pronounced Nik-FA) was opposing us regarding unsealing birth records at very opportunity, Pierce privately said this to Florence, who then told me, close to three decades ago.

Yet as the years rolled by NCFA continued to oppose us. When Florence and I testified in Washington DC in the late 70s for unsealing birth certificates at a Senate hearing in Washington, DC, NCFA handlers literally held up a weeping natural mother who was testifying for keeping records sealed. Forever.

She spoke before I did. By the time I was called to testify I was livid. I started out by saying said something to the effect of her anonymity disqualified her from being taken seriously--as it would on any other issue--but I might have well been

Good news: Intercountry adoption down again

Jane

This just in from the Associated Press:  "The number of foreign children adopted by U.S. parents plunged to the lowest level since 1992...Figures released Friday by the U. S. State Department for 2013 fiscal year showed 7,094 adoptions from abroad, down from 8,668 in 2012 and down about 69 percent from the high of 22,884 in 2004. The number has dropped every year since then."

What's the cause of this decline? AP lists several: Russia has stopped foreign adoptions. Ethiopian authorities have been trying to place more abandoned children with relatives or foster families. Other reasons come to mind: More South Korean women are keeping their babies, thanks to the efforts of Korean-born adoptee Jane Jeong Trenka and her supporters who have lobbied the

Saying goodbye to adoptee L'Wren Scott

L'Wren Scott in a signature look

Updated at 9:10 p.m. 3/20/14

When fashion designer L'Wren Scott committed suicide Monday, the fashion and celebrity worlds mourned; when we read that she was adopted, the adoption community perks up its ears: another one lost to suicide. 

L'Wren was adopted by Mormon parents in Utah, along with a brother and a sister. An intrepid reader found an old story that included an interview with her adoptive mother who states that she and her husband, who met and married while teenagers, turned to adoption after years of trying to have children. L'Wren's mother says that the children they adopted were all from the Salt Lake City area, and adds this crucial piece of information: "At one point Luann [L'Wren's name after adoption] said she wanted to contact her biological parents, but nothing came of it." This story is ten years old and none of the new stories mention this.

The Day I Was Born: The Story Denied to Many Adoptees

Jane

"Tell me about the day my mom was born," my eight-year-old granddaughter Katie requested as I drove her from school to swim team practice Monday. Her request surprised me; I expected she would want to listen to Radio Classics as usual. I obliged. "Your mother was born in the middle of the night in the middle of the winter," I began. When I finished she asked about the day she was born, a story she had heard often: how I had come to the hospital with her two year old brother Chris; how her mom told him the baby was no longer in her stomach and how her father lifted Chris up and showed him the baby, all snuggled in pink in her crib.

When my three raised daughters were little, they too loved the story that began "on the day you were born."  Every time I told them the story, a wave of sadness crept over me because I did not tell, could not tell, my first

Relinquish adoption protections--give the adopted their original records and identity!

Today when Unsealed Imitative is in New York's state capital lobbying for our bills to unseal the original birth records of adoptees, Lorraine has an Oped in the Albany Times-Union. Please leave a comment and let everyone know more than a few voices want those records open. (Note: It appears nearly impossible to leave a comment, many have tried, none have succeeded.)

When I drove into Albany pulling a U-Haul with most of my worldly possessions, I was 23, and I was already on the run from my past. I'd had a child in Rochester and given her up for adoption. Now I was desperate to keep that part of my life secret when I began my new job at the late Knickerbocker News. When the doctor giving me a physical for the company insurance asked if I'd ever been pregnant, I lied and said no. Shame surrounded me like an aura. The year was 1966. In the two years I worked at The Knick, I only revealed my secret to one friend — and then with a racing heart.

Reporter with a secret--and blown kneecap

Read the rest at 

Relinquish adoption protections

Keeping secrets in adoption can make you ill

Lorraine

Reasons enough for the sealed birth certificates of adoptees everywhere to be released comes from this month's issue of The Atlantic:

"Research shows an association between keeping an emotionally charged secret and ailments ranging from the common cold to chronic diseases."

Reading this reminded me of when I held in the secret of my life: my daughter whom I relinquished. I lied to a doctor once who asked if I'd ever been pregnant, feeling like a criminal as I did so--but he was the doctor giving a physical which would qualify me for the company medical policy. If I told the truth, would I be fired from a job I so desperately needed and wanted? It was my first job after having to quit my last before I "showed."

After 6 years, a hollow victory in Utah adoption fight

Lorraine

 Six years. That's how long Robert Manzanares has been fighting for custody of his daughter--a fight that began before she was born. A few days ago, a court decided that he, the father, would have joint custody of his daughter, Kaia, but the adoptive parents will have primary custody and the girl will continue to live with them. The length of time involved in getting to this decision is why Manzanares will not be able to raise his own daughter. How did we get here? Six years? 

This legal battle began in 2008, shortly after the girl was conceived and the girl's mother and Manzanares broke up. Aware that the mother did not want to raise the child, he took all the right steps, filing for his parental rights to be recognized...in Colorado where he and the mother had been living. He made it clear that he did not want his daughter given up for adoption. But the woman fled to Utah before the girl was born. She had Mormon relatives in that state who wanted to adopt the child. And in Utah, that is pretty much all you need: Mormons who want to adopt.

Even in 'modern families' the need to know biological heritage

Jane

Opponents of gay marriage often raise the specter of gays raising children they adopt or create through "modern fertility techniques" claiming that gays raising children would lead to the breakdown of the family, which would lead to the disintegration of civilization. Well, of course gays have been raising children long before recorded history. Those Greeks doing it in bath houses were often married with children. And gays like my late sister Helen married members of the opposite sex, had children, divorced, and taken up with a same-sex partner.

 Since the 1970's gays have adopted children both from foster care and as newborn infants. They have also created children through sperm and egg donations, IVF and surrogacy. With courts striking down gay marriage bans, it's likely that more gays will marry and acquire children. The critical question

Do you have to fuck to win an Oscar?

The big winners at last night's Oscars all have something going for them that my favorite, Philomena, didn't. Stories that touch the nation's conscience encased in lots of fucking, vulgarity, and violence. Twelve Years A Slave pricks the nation's lingering guilt over slavery and by extension, the unequal treatment black Americans still endure. The Dallas Buyers' Club pulls at our hearts over the way we mistreated and misunderstood AIDS victims and implicitly still mistreat and misunderstand gays and transsexuals today. Cate Blanchett was a natural to win, what with themes of Wall Street corruption (we're still feeling the effects more than five years after the meltdown) and a confused, sexy woman, always a popular Hollywood staple.