Part 3: A relationship with my daughter goes awry. Reason unknown.

Jane and Lorraine, first weekend they met, 1981

Continuing this story/chapter of my memoir, Hole in My Heart, about the quarter of a century relationship I had with my daughter:

(Copyright Lorraine Dusky, 2013. May not be republished in any form.)

Summer.  I go to Wisconsin to pick up Jane's daughter, Brittany, for her summer visit. Jane and Bill [Jane's husband] are living in his small cabin in the woods, and Britt stays with the Rhymers [Jane's adoptive parents] during the week, and attends the same elementary school as before Jane married. Though Britt had flown by herself from Madison to New York in the past, after fanatics in airplanes brought down the World Trade Center, the Rhymers ask that I come to Wisconsin to pick her up. I’ll fly in on Saturday, we’ll leave on Monday, and maybe I’ll be able talk to Jane and patch up whatever needed patching. They will try to broker this, Jane's father, Gary, says. 

Part 2: A relationship with my daughter goes awry. Reason unknown.

Jane and Lorraine sometime in the 90s.

Continuing the story of my relationship with my daughter, as she came and went over more than a quarter of a century. When the previous post left off it was March. 

(Copyright Lorraine Dusky 2013, may not be copied or reproduced in any form)

April. At American Adoption Congress’s 25^th anniversary convention in Atlanta, I am one of the keynote speakers. The AAC is comprised of adoptees and both first parents and adoptive parents, and stands for openness in adoption, including taking down the sealed-records statutes. I talk about the early days of this movement, and how far we still have to go. I do not gloss over the rabid opposition we faced then, and still do. 

A relationship with my daughter goes awry. Reason unknown.

Jane and Lorraine, 1983

Just when everything is going swimmingly for a couple of years there, the tide shifts and the life raft of our relationship breaks apart again on the rocky shoals of Jane’s divided loyalties. 

She and I speak frequently, send each other presents, and appear to have found a comfortable plateau in our relationship. Our closeness, even with the disruption of adoption, reminds me of my relationship with my mother after I left home—we talked about once a week, everyday chitchat, and now Jane and I do the same: Here’s a recipe for a canapé we call Memphis cheesies, made with Rice Crispies and cheddar. How’s Bill? He’s now working full time as a post man? Great. What’s Brittney up to? You got a steamer to “steam clean” your house? Whoa! Tony thinks I’m a clean freak, wait til he hears about this. Arthur is going to China to visit his daughter—you do remember she lives there? With Lulu, the girl she adopted from China? I’m painting the deck chairs white. You’re painting your bench yellow? You wanted that recipe for the turkey brine? Half apple juice, half water, cup of brandy, one and a half cups of salt.

NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick's mother speaks of her love for him--and he can't take it.

Colin Kaepernick

Thank you, thank you Heidi Russo for speaking out on behalf of first mothers. And shame, shame on you Colin Kaepernick for not listening. You may be the toughest, cleverest quarterback in years to play for the San Francisco 49ers, but you've fumbled the ball when it comes to accepting love from the woman who gave birth to you. You're getting sacked by your adoptive mother, fearful that somehow having a relationship with your first mother would diminish her.

Adoptive father John Roberts: Not impartial in the Baby Veronica case

Adoptive father John Roberts

Judges are supposed to be impartial and immune from cronyism but Chief Justice John Roberts seems to have crossed that line in joining the majority in Adoptive Couple v. Baby Girl. In a five to four decision, the Court gutted the Indian Child Welfare Act, ruling against father Dusten Brown. Brown, who is part Cherokee, lives in Oklahoma, and sought to stop the adoption of his daughter Veronica by Matt and Melanie Capobianco in South Carolina.

The South Carolina Supreme Court ruled in Brown's favor and Veronica, went to live with her father. In June, when the U.S. Supreme Court ruled against Brown and for the adoptive parents, the little girl--now almost four--had been living with her father for the past 18 months. Since the Supreme Court held the ICWA gave Brown no right to oppose the adoption, the South Carolina court approved Capobianco's petition to adopt Veronica and ordered that Brown transfer custody to them. Brown has applied for a stay from the Supreme Court. The justice who has jurisdiction in that case? Roberts, who oversees emergency petitions for the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals, which includes South Carolina.

'I know people who would like to kill you.'

Birthmark jacket photo

Continuing the story of what it was like in 1979 and after when I published Birthmark, the first memoir from a mother like me (always looking for the correct word!)...the following from the memoir I'm working on, Hole in My Heart, covers some of the up close and personal reactions that the first memoir generated: 
(Copyright, Lorraine Dusky 2013. May not be reprinted, copied, etc in any media)   

Despite the rancor surrounding mothers like me then and still today, I also met many, even in 1979, who immediately understood the poignancy of a mother and child reunion. A headline in The Detroit News read: “Unwed mom has never stopped looking.” From Vancouver, British Columbia, in The Province: "Changing her mind not enough, which was basically an interview with two adoptive mothers and proclaimed that adoptive parents received "as much medical knowledge of the child's parents as possible." The Whig-Standard in Kingston, Ontario: "Obsessed by Guilt." An excerpt of the Birthmark ran in Family Circle under these words: “I GAVE AWAY MY BABY.” Totally appropriate, I thought. No fudging with the story line or the language there. That excerpt prompted

Meeting anger over coming out as a birth mother head on

Lorraine

The conversation about the previous post led to me saying that it could best be answered by posting what preceded that in the memoir I'm working on, Hole in My Heart. This segment is about what happened before I found a publisher for Birthmark, the memoir I wrote in the late Seventies. It was published in 1979; the first scene below would be in the summer of 1978. Plus, as I am trying to finish this draft ASAP, I do not have the time to post much original material, so I hope in this next month you bear with me.

(Copyright, Lorraine Dusky 2013. May not be reprinted, copied, etc in any media with  permission)

The guy is red in the face and so angry he is practically spitting at me as he talks, his voice getting loud enough to attract attention from nearby tables. He’s just found out that I am one of them—a mother who gave away a child—and furthermore that is the topic of the manuscript his boss, Don Fine, an editor who

Confronting the shame upon admitting I gave up a child

Lorraine

What was it like coming out of the closet when it was very lonely out there? In the late 1970s, only a small handful of women, spoke openly about this "shameful" deed we had done in the national media. What was shameful was not sleeping with someone we loved, the shame was that we had given up our babies. 

Adoptees sometimes cannot understand why their mothers are so traumatized that they cannot deal with the reunion, or the reality of their child, now grown, now an adult. For many of us, that deep sense of shame and humiliation that we felt when we gave up our children now comes back in full force, and we ourselves do not understand why the reunion is so deeply disturbing. To try to explain what it was like in the Seventies to come out publicly, I am post an excerpt from the memoir, Hole in My Heart, that I am working on (and hope to be finished with very soon). The year is

Adoptive parent shares thoughts on having returned a girl to her mother

NEW COMMENTS FROM JAY, BELOW ON 7/23/13

Received tonight as a comment at the last Baby Veronica post, but it is too worthwhile to leave as a comment alone:

A tree after Storm Sandy; the link not broken to the trunk

Jay Iyer said...Thanks for this comprehensive, sad post. I am writing as an adoptive parent of a boy who was taken from an abusive family and placed in foster care. I also write as a foster parent who helped reunify a little girl with her mother. These experiences helped shift my vision from an adoptive path focused on securing for myself a long-desired child to one of recognizing the importance, to a child, of an upbringing integrated with biological identity. I feel that adoption should occur only when all avenues for placement within a child’s biological family are exhausted. Much as I adore my son, I felt a profound loss on his behalf when no safe “forever” home was found among members of his first family.

Surrogacy today: The American Way?

Lorraine her daughter Jane, third meeting in 1982.

At a ladies lunch the other day: One woman, brought by a friend but unknown to the rest of us, describes how her gay friends had children. First, one of the partners had a child with a surrogate, a little girl. Origin of egg is uncertain at this point, but probably from a third party; I hesitate to ask. I don't want to be a part of this conversation but there I am, drinking iced tea.

My friends all know my status. One woman present has, in a moment of inebriated anger, called me a "reproductive agent," a phrase I am certain she got from the grandparents of children adopted from Russia, her close friends. I know, it's terrible,

'Baby Veronica' adoption will go forward

Dusten Brown and his daughter, Veronica. The Washington Post
Getty Images 

For Later Posts: 

Dusten Brown continues to fight for his daughter; the Capobiancos dig in deeper

Adoptive father John Roberts: Not impartial in the Baby Veronica case

Baby Veronica, now nearly four, will be taken from her natural father and returned to the couple who want to adopt her, Matt and Melinda Copabionco of South Carolina, following a 3-2 decision today by the South Carolina Supreme Court. Her natural mother, according to her attorney, is "over the moon."

This comes only weeks after a decision of the U.S. Supreme Court that held that Dusten Brown, and his daughter, Veronica—both citizens of the Cherokee Nation—were essentially not protected under the Indian Child Welfare Act. After that ruling, Brown  attempted to adopt his own daughter in Oklahoma, where he has been living with her for the last 18

For me, for some, 1966 was a very bad year

Lorraine

After getting so many emails and letters from so many adoptees over the decades who wish they had not been given up, not been adopted, it's rather...refreshing to learn that some of our readers are so very fine with the situation of growing up in a different family other than the one they were born to. (See comments at previous blog.) Also writing are mothers who feel their children were not negatively affected by being adopted, or saying they did not feel that damaged by relinquishing their children. Certainly all this helps explain why movement on opening sealed records has been so slow in so many states--what's the problem? Also adding to the apathy of opening sealed birth records to the adopted is that more and more of them from the last few decades have full access to, and knowledge of who their original mothers. 

To the mother and child, adoption is always painful

Lorraine as a three or four year old

I met a woman on a trip last year and while we spent quite a bit of time together--with our husbands too--when she asked what I wrote, I just said "women's issues." We were on vacation, and I did not know enough about her to know whether her children were adopted, or even if she were. And I just didn't want to go there. Say you gave up a child for adoption, and the music stops. Say you write about "women's issues," and you are taken as a serious person. Instead of adoption, I talked about the books I've written about how women are often treated in the legal system, in contrast to men, and a study I did about women in the corporate world.

So much easier.

But we stayed in touch, via email--her name is the same as my daughter's--and a year later, I did tell her about my daughter, my memoir about giving her up, my work today. My faraway friend had searched me on the Internet but hadn't paid much

How to address your first/birth mother/father when writing the first letter

Ms. Dusky would have felt weird

When writing the first letter to your first mother how do you address her? There are many ways to go about this, and each conveys a different message. Dear Mrs. Jones? Dear Darlyne? Dear Mother?

Adoptees as a group say they want different things from their original parents: some want a relationship, some only want information. I often wonder however, if saying one only wants information isn't protective cover: If one's first/birth mother doesn't want a relationship, the adoptee may feel that writing and asking only for information preserves some of his dignity because that clearly signifies there is no need to worry about him showing up on the woman's doorstep. But in doing that, one may put one's mother off and she may feel diminished, when that is not what the adoptee has in mind at all.

Family ties broken by adoption, linked by sychronicity

Jane

I'm off to Peru with Rachael, the daughter of my surrendered daughter Rebecca. Rachael was in Peru a couple of years ago on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. She's taking this trip to visit the friends she made in Peru and asked me to come along. I am thrilled to be going.

I have never been to Peru, but it has a connection to the adoption of Rachael's mother. When I was six months pregnant with Rebecca in the fall of 1966, I left my home in Fairbanks, Alaska, traveled down the west coast stopping in Juneau, the Canadian city of Whitehorse, Yukon Territory, and Seattle before settling in  San Francisco where I knew no one.

The lie behind the question: Aren't those kids better off adopted?

Jane

Aren't kids better off adopted? That's the underlying argument of adoption apologists who feel the answer is an obvious yes. "Maybe mothers were misled about adoption or fathers were tricked by Utah's laws into losing their rights, but at the end of the day, aren't the kids better off with living in an intact family with more money who can give them better opportunities?"

Now that shame no longer propels young women to give their babies to strangers, the adoption industry relies on "better off" to acquire children. Mothers aren't giving up their babies; they are giving them more. American Adoptions, for example, claims that: "...birth mothers are choosing life for their child--a life complete with all of the hugs, laughter and lullabies that they desire for them.... Birth mothers place their babies into the arms of eternally grateful

After the reunion: How do (found) mothers and daughters relate?

Lorraine

In the last couple of weeks I've been in contact with several mothers who had reunions with daughters and one common thread ran through the conversations: that we feel the relationship is always somehow lacking.

'Tis true.

We can never be "the same as" a mother who raised a child from birth. I know that seems obvious but in the dealing with that reality, lots of tears are shed. Our daughters come, they go, they refuse to meet us, or they meet us and all seems well, and then they leave, usually without a word. They are just gone. Something we may have said that offends them--but we don't see how it might--is ostensibly the reason. Or nothing at all that we did is the cause of their leaving. Outside

Wendy Davis proves you can do it--keep your baby and succeed

Enlarge photo by: Robert Hart

Wendy Davis, flanked by her father, Jerry Russell at left and her two daughters, at right, applauds her supporters during her victory speech at the Fort Worth Hilton on November 6, 2012.

Supreme Court rules against Indian father, limits Indian Child Welfare Act

Veronica at her father's home

 UPDATED BELOW

Showing a clear disdain for the rights of biological parents--and a preference for the legal rights of adoptive parents--the Supreme Court today voted 5-4 in favor of granting custody of a three-year-old girl with Native American blood to the non-Indian couple who had adopted her, Matt and Melanie Capobianco of South Carolina. Now the case will head back to South Carolina family courts, which will determine where she will live and who will raise her. The girl, named Veronica, has been living with her biological father, Dusten Brown, in Nowata, Oklahoma, since December of 2011, but spent the first 27 months of her life with the Capobiancos.

The decision in Adoptive Couple v. Baby Girl* is both bad policy and bad law. The Court, in overturning a decision of the South Carolina Supreme Court, held that the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA) did not prevent Matt and Melanie Capobianco from adopting Dusten Brown's daughter Veronica, because--although

How does a baby feel about being a "gift"?

Lorraine and her daughter, 1982

Catelynn and Tyler continue on as stars of TV trash...or "America's sweethearts." After their star turn on Sixteen and Pregnant in which they give the "gift" of their baby to an infertile but stable and older couple in a "semi-open" adoption, they went on to be featured in Teen Mom. We saw her in labor, heard her express dismay that the adoption was not more "open," heard about the house they bought, Catelynn's weight gain and Catelynn's weight loss, their shilling for Bethany Adoption Services and promoting adoption at high schools and colleges around the country, and now--weeks away from their July 15 wedding, they are in another reality TV series, Couples Therapy on VH1.

Well, last night in the opening moments of the show Catelynn and Tyler came smack up against some hard reality from one of the other people on this show, Flava Flav, whose own really tacky reality show seemed to be about him finding a girlfriend. Now here he is with his own real life girlfriend, the mother of his son, who has been there all the time. What happened when Flava Flav and Catelynn and Tyler meet is priceless. He wonders why they could be in couple therapy--they are young and in love, right?

Oregon to allow first mothers easier access to child's adoption records

Governor John Kitzhaber

Mothers of children they relinquished for adoption will have an easier time learning their lost child's new name and the names of his adoptive parents in Oregon after January of next year, representing a sea change in attitudes toward birth mothers. This law, signed by Gov. John Kitzhaber earlier this month, requires a judge to allow access to much of the court records of their children's adoptions unless there's a good reason not to. This is a switch from current law, where judges deny access unless they find a compelling reason for it. This will be the first time in the country where the legal presumption favors a birth mother's access to the information, rather than deny it.

Who gains when first mothers fight over "correct" language?

Lorraine

So...language continues as a divisive issue among those of us fighting for change in the adoption realm. Yesterday was my birthday and not only was I greeted with a zillion good wishes at Facebook, I also discovered that I was being trashed at someone's closed page for using "birth mother" interchangeably with "first mother." Sometimes I use "natural mother" and sometimes we simply use "mother" but that was not mentioned.

 I was also found to be despicable and damaging to the cause because I use "relinquish" (a legal term); "surrender," promoted by Concerned United Birthparents (!) and which also makes sense to me, as well as "gave up." For this I am accused of using "positive adoption language" as promoted by agencies who wish to whitewash the trauma to both a mother who GIVES UP her

Should adoptees contact their siblings when first parents are reluctant?

Amy Dickinson

"Should I contact my siblings (or half siblings) even though my first mother wants to keep me a secret and hasn't told them about me?' "It's my right, to know them and their right to know isn't it?" Advice columnist Amy Dickinson (ASK AMY)  handled these questions deftly in two recent columns, showing understanding and sensitivity. Her response was a welcome change we must say from those self-designated experts--Joyce Brothers, Ann Landers, Drs. Drew, Phil, and Laura, and Marguerite Kelly with their cookie-cutter, birth-family-be-damned answers to all questions adoption.

An adoptee, identified as DQ, asked about contacting her full birth siblings. Her adoptive parents had told her that her first parents were married but gave her up because they didn't want children. After her adoptive parents' deaths, she found her first parents and learned they had had three more children after she was given up.

Adoptees, first parents rally in Manhattan for adoptee rights

Sen.Velmanette Montgomery, Asbm. David Weprin, Carol Schaefer, Lorraine

The odds of buying a cup of coffee from your father and not knowing he is related to you are not quite off the charts, but that is certainly a rare coincidence. Yet it happens. Joe DeCarlo Pessalona said of frequenting a deli in Manhattan's Greenwich Village: "I used to buy my coffee from him [his father] and I had no idea it was him." he said. Pessalona

Exploiting first mothers, then and now

(Jane, second row on the far right)

Babies come from mothers who don't want them was the shocking message of an adoption agency advertisement from the 1940's. The agency guaranteed prospective adoptive parents that babies would be matched to them not only in appearance, but also in intelligence. And unbelievably, prospective adoptive parents were also promised a "one year return policy" if the baby didn't fit into their family.

Ann Fessler's film, A Girl Like Her, includes this and other videos to present pictorially the ugly truth about adoption in the mid-twentieth century. As the videos of happy housewives dancing in their oh-so-modern kitchens and teens in full skirted strapless prom dresses switch to pictures of soldiers in Vietnam and war protesters, off screen first mothers tell their stories of loss without redemption.

Advice from an adoptive mother to one hoping to adopt

Photo by Lisa Roberts

We periodically hear from adoptive parents--some in anger, some in appreciation--and one who comments now and then under the moniker of 2nd Mom who"gets" adoption as well as we hope all adoptive parents would. She wrote a particularly empathetic and informative response to the previous blog post (Hoping to adopt: How to talk to the mother of his child....) responding to a letter from a prospective adoptive father who wants to do the right thing by an expectant woman who has chosen him and his wife to be the adoptive parents of her baby. Today we are continuing the discussion and giving 2nd Mom's comment greater readership by making it a blog post, plus adding some ideas that other commentators left.
 
Dear Hoping to Adopt from an Adoptive Mother: It is great that you have come to this forum seeking answers and I think you will find it a great source of information. As an Adoptive Mom in a very open adoption I wanted to share a few things about my experience that came as a surprise to me. Hopefully they will help you as you move forward.

Hoping to adopt: How to talk to the mother of his child....

Lorraine

Dear First Mother Forum:
We are in the middle of a private adoption process. Since we've been chosen by the birth parents back in January, we've struggled to find out if we are "saying the right things" to her and making her feel comfortable with us. After reading your blog my mind is somewhat put to rest on the idea that we have not done an adequate job, because we have.

We truly feel for this 19-year-old girl.  Our heart truly goes out to her. She comes from a very broken home, she and the father (who is 30) do not have a place to live, they don't work. When we first made contact with them, they were well aware of what it is we can offer their baby so we don't bring that up anymore because we certainly don't want to have to convince them. As difficult as it was, we suggested all

Adoption 'builds' a family but always subtracts from another

Jane

When most people think of adoption, they think of a family adding a member; they do not automatically think of subtracting someone from another family, but that is what comes to our mind when hear of an adoption.

Adoption challenges the definition of family. It can create a mind-boggling web of relationships and nagging questions for adoptees about where they fit. Just like the quagmire first parents face when asked "how many children do you have?" adoptees encounter questions such as "how many brothers and sisters do you have?" Do they include only their siblings by adoption, or if they know them, their biological siblings as well?

Irrational fear drives adoption laws in Washington State

Washington Adoptee Rights Advocates in Olympia

Laws allowing first mothers to prevent their son or daughter from obtaining his or her original birth certificate are wrong--as wrong as the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) continuing to bar gay leaders is wrong. These provisions penalize a group because an individual member of that group may cause harm. Not only are these restrictions a fundamental violation of due process, they perpetuate the false suppositions--that gay troop leaders are likely to molest children, and that adoptees will track down their natural mothers to do them harm. 

Lobbying for adoptee rights--how to write to a legislator

Lorraine

In these last few weeks, First Mother Forum has focused somewhat on legislation, because now is the time when bills get passed. People sometimes ask how to write to a legislator because it seems to daunting the first time. But it shouldn't be. 

So how to begin? First, let the recipient know your connection to him, especially if you are writing your legislator--you vote for him, or her, she is going to pay attention to what you have to say. Sometimes this information may be obvious from the return address on the stationary, but in email you need to say it. 

Does everyone have a basic need to know the truth of their origins?

Wading into the unknown--photo by ken robbins

Can an individual who doesn't instinctively understand about the need for everyone to know his or her true and original identity be made to change his mind?

I don't know. After a conversation I had the other night it seems unlikely--unlikely at least that a non-adopted person can move the heart and mind of anyone who knows an adoptee who professes no need to know, and is, for all the world to see, a well adjusted, successful, happy individual. But I cannot help think this: Since curiosity is the sign of intelligent life, how can an otherwise intelligent person not be interested in the story of his own life?

The Child Catchers exposes the stench of international adoption--and domestic adoption too

Kathryn Joyce

Journalist Kathryn Joyce takes on domestic infant adoption and international adoption in her new book, The Child Catchers, forcefully demonstrating its unsavory realities, including how it exploits vulnerable mothers. While the general public may believe adoption is a win-win solution that saves children, builds families, and allows poor biological mothers to get on with their lives, Joyce portrays it as the billion dollar industry it is, fueled by money, religious fervor, the high demand for children, and misguided altruism. She backs up her claims with scrupulous research--visits to foreign orphanages and adoption facilities, interviews with adoption practitioners, narratives of adoptees and first parents, statistical data, marketing materials, and media reports.

Embryo 'adoption' just creeps us out

Jane

 A reader asked us what we think about embryo adoption. She and her husband have nine embryos left over after creating a baby through in vitro fertilization. She cannot carry another child, but she and her husband do not want to destroy the frozen embryos or donate them to science, which is basically the same thing.

The idea of creating a child to be raised by genetic strangers is just wrong. Child adoption at least has a socially valuable underpinning--to provide a home for a child who needs one. Embryo adoption exists solely to meet the needs of adults, those who believe life begins at conception and those who want children.

Joyce Brothers touted the advantages of being adopted

photo by Marty Liederhandler of AP

Pop psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers who died yesterday was a pillar of the old adoption mindset that we are still combating today. She was the Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil of an earlier era, and the first to dispense advice to the masses with the patina of a psychology degree behind it. She was syndicated in hundreds of newspapers, and her charming, reassuring demeanor appealed to television audiences. Reading a few of her old columns gives us a window on the world in the Seventies and Eighties.

In 1976, she "strongly" advised a woman who got pregnant by "mistake," and who wants to go to law school, to consider adoption. "Several studies indicate that illegitimate children who are adopted fare better than those who remain with the natural parent," Brothers wrote. "The adopted are generally more confident and better adapted socially. "

When I had my first child, I regret not asking my mother for help

Jane

First mothers often ask me "wouldn't your mother help you keep your baby?" The unspoken assumption is that if my mother has offered to help me, I would have kept my daughter.

When my surrendered daughter, Rebecca, was born in 1966 white mothers commonly pressured their daughters to give up their babies. Others flat-out refused to help, threatening "If you bring that baby home, you can't live here." Between World War II and Row v. Wade, adoption was THE solution for unwed pregnancies in white middle-class families. These grandmothers-to-be were not unkind; they had bought into adoption mythology and firmly believed that adoption was the best for all concerned.


"No," I answer, "she didn't know about the pregnancy." I add quickly, "I am sure my mother would have helped me; she would not have wanted her grandchild to go to strangers.

My answer comes as a surprise.  Then the follow up question:  "Did she ever find out?"

It's 'Mother's' Day again. And 'Birth' Mother's Day too.

My daughter's Mother's Day card one year

Here it comes again, Mother's Day, impossible to miss because of the incessant ads that pop up everywhere, reminding us of our own fractured motherhood. I've been through the gamut of emotions about Mother's Day, beginning when I did not know where my daughter was, and my own mother did not even know my daughter existed, to those years after reunion when I spent the week preceding the big day hoping she would remember me in some small way. She usually did not. Oh heavy was my heart!

While I was feeling sorry for myself, I always imagined a big celebration going on with her adoptive mother--card, dinner, what-have-you. There were other children, and her adoptive father who was not likely to let any of them forget. I don't know if that was the case because I never asked. 

But one year, I got a wonderful hand-made card that said:
To my Other Mother. Inside it says: "I couldn't find a card that defined our relationship, but then all that truly matters is that I let you know, I Love You. Happy Mothers day LORRAINE, love

If you can get pregnant, you should be able to get Plan B

Girls under 15 can surrender their newborn for adoption without parental consent. If they wish to keep their pregnancy secret, they can give birth alone and leave their baby at a fire house. But they're incapable of deciding to take Plan B to prevent pregnancy, for that, asserts President Obama, they must have a doctor's prescription.

Obama takes this position in spite of the fact that the Food and Drug Administration pronounced Plan B safe for females of all ages. Needless to say, few girls under 15 will have the resources to go to a doctor on their own. Those who are afraid to tell their parents about their sexual encounter risk becoming pregnant and facing the more complicated consequences to follow--whether abortion, or carrying a child to term. Obama may truly be concerned with the health risks of Plan B (rather than say pandering to extremists)  but both abortion and carrying a child to term create greater health risks for young girls than Plan B.

Remembering my mother on the anniversary of her death

My mother in her twenties

Fourteen years ago today my mother died. For many years we had a difficult time as mother and daughter.  I did not want to grow up to be like my mother for I did not want to be a housewife, and I knew this from a very early age--like five. So I generally rebelled when it came to learning how to do home ec kinds of things--such as sewing (which she was very good at), and cooking (until I could do it on my own). I felt in so many ways like such a disappointment to her. I know she wished we could have been closer during my teenage years, but instead we argued and, when I was at home, I stayed locked up in my room, reading.

But though she did not fully understand at first the kind of woman I would grow up to be, when I look back I see how she encouraged me all along. When my father said, Girls don't go to college, she took my side. So instead of home ec, I was able to sign up for Latin and algebra in high school. When my father couldn't imagine that I really was going to go to college, she drove me to the interview and we did not tell my father. When I was accepted, I shared the news with her, and her alone. After my father had a

A First Mother recalls meeting her daughter for the 'first' time

in my driveway this morning

Continuing excerpts from my memoir, Hole in My Heart, the sequel to Birthmark, which came out in 1979--when "birth mother" was not a phrase anyone knew. We were natural mothers, biological mothers, one of "those women." Actually in 1979, we were not supposed to be anywhere but the closet!

The following except from the new book is about the time I was going to meet my daughter, in 1981. I know

Getting to Know You: Good Times with first mother leads to guilt about (adoptive) Mom

Lorraine and Jane at Rockefeller Center, 1982

Continuing the story. After our visit our Detroit over Christmas/New Year's break (link below), my found daughter, Jane came to visit me on Long Island. She arrived a day after her birthday, and would be visiting for more than a week. From Hole In My Heart, my memoir in progress.

Copyright Lorraine Dusky 2013
She’s never been to New York City, and so off we go. For three days and nights we are enthusiastic tourists, racing from the Empire State Building to the United Nations to Chinatown to the Statue of Liberty. We sprint off the first boat of the day from Battery

A first mother brings her daughter 'home' to meet 'Grandma'

Lorraine

Following is an excerpt from Hole In My Heart, my memoir in progress. Right now I have little time to pay attention to other events and so I thought I'd share snippets of it with you over the next week or so. The following is about the second time I see my daughter. The first had been at her home with her parents in Wisconsin. She was fifteen at the time. Her parents' name has been changed.--lorraine

Copyright Lorraine Dusky 2013. May not be copied or quoted.

Three weeks later, Jane flies to Detroit the day after Christmas to meet my mother and my husband. Jane, bubbling with excitement—her first airplane flight! an adventure of her own!—glides through the gate beaming. Since this

Opening birth records: States of fame (OR, OH) and shame (WA)

Bills in three states, Oregon, Ohio and Washington, open the door to greater adoptee--and in Oregon, first parent--access to adoption records. 

FAMOUS--OREGON
Oregon is leading the way with a bill that will allow adult adoptees to see their entire court file, other than the home study. The Senate passed the bill, SB 623, unanimously on Tuesday, April 23. If this becomes law, adoptees will no longer need a

'I know my parents must be dead, but...'

Sandy Musser

First Mother Sandy Musser, one of the early pioneers of the adoption reform movement, has worked tirelessly to reunite parents and children separated by the laws governing adoption. She was convicted of a federal offense related to her work in 1993--she claims she was not guilty--and spent 11 months in a federal prison. Sandy continues to fight against the unjust laws still standing in the majority of states that keep original birth certificates sealed. 

The vast majority of us did NOT have a voice as to whether adoptees' birth certificates should be sealed. It was The Law: When adopted, a child's original birth certificate would be sealed for all time, denying her and her descendents the right to ever know their true ancestry. Sandy is urging us all to flood President Obama with letters this week to undue this terrible injustice and violation of human rights. If the President gets enough letters, he will take notice, and notice may lead to action. Along with most of the country, he did change his mind on gay marriage. First Mother Forum

Paris Jackson reunites with her mother--why not everybody else?

Lorraine and daughter, a week after her 16th birthday in NYC

Michael Jackson's daughter has reunited with her mother--the second child of the late pop singer spent her 15th birthday earlier this month with her mother, Debbie Rowe. According to one pop website, "a source close to the family said: “The two just hung out. They’ve gotten really tight.”

Another site puts it this way: 

"Technically, Debbie is her mom, although I wonder how maternal she could possibly be. Still, I don’t know that story. I have no idea what went down between Debbie and Michael so I always try not to judge her too harshly. [Thank you for that, I thought.] If she

A father's right to raise his own daughter hinges on 'Indian Act'

Lorraine

At least two influential newspapers this morning are urging that the Supreme Court return a little girl who has been living with her natural father for the past 15 months to her adoptive parents. We write about "Baby Veronica," the three-and-half year old girl the South Carolina family court returned to her biological father, Dusten Brown, after he contested her adoption. When Brown agreed to give up his rights of the child to the mother--also signing a notice of adoption which he says he did not understand--he was being shipped off to Iraq. He assumed, he says, that the girl's mother she was planning to raise her.

As soon as he learned that the girl was being put up for adoption, he began fighting to raise her. He has another child; no one doubts he is a good father.

Opening court records to adoptees and first parents

Oregon Capitol Building, Salem

While legislators elsewhere debate whether to allow adoptees access to their original birth certificates (OBC), Oregon is moving ahead with legislation which would allow adult adoptees to learn the details of their adoption and make it easier for first parents to learn the adoptive name of their child and the names of the adoptive parents.

This is a first in the country. While Washington State, New York, Ohio consider bills to give adoptees their original birth certificates, this goes farther in giving both adoptees and birth parents information about one of the most pivotal and life-altering events, information that the state previously deemed off-limits, even though it was about one's self. 

Adoptive parents encourage daughters to give up their babies

Lori

Tuesday night I watched two 2010 episodes of 16 & Pregnant. Lori and Valeria, both adopted and pregnant, must decide whether to keep their babies.

Seventeen-year-old Lori's adoptive parents push adoption relentlessly. While the baby's father, Cory, opposes adoption, he offers little real support. Lori knows adoption as only an adopted person can know. "I always wondered about my birth mother. Where is she and why she couldn't raise me.... I don't have any other biologically, blood-related family right now," she tells her friend. " Like I think that plays in the whole putting him up for adoption thing. For the first tine I have actual family--and just give it away?"

How to Answer: Do you have any children?

Lorraine

Do you have children? Or, how many children do you have?

Simple enough, unless you are a first mother. The person asking obviously doesn't know you well, so even if you are Out as a first mother, do you really want to go into it right then and there? You may be at the bridge club. You may be meeting someone in an airplane. You may be at a cocktail party and getting along like a house afire with the woman you met over the canapes. You may be with friends of yours having lunch and somebody has brought along a new person, and she is getting to know you and the question looms, and you know the whole answer but geeze, you think, Do I have to go into it right now? 

Of course not. Pick your moment. Talking about relinquishing a child is not light party patter.

Equality begins with the right to know who you are

Lorraine

Soon the Washington legislature will vote on whether give individuals adopted in the state the right to their own unamended birth certificates, the one with the true information of their birth--unless one of the parents named on the original birth certificate objects. 

How such a cockamamie veto power came to be tacked onto this legislation--with the assistance of a first mother! and an adoptee--is a story that Jane has told in previous blogs. In the past, we did say that a bad bill--with a veto--is better than nothing at all for nearly all individuals who wish to obtain their original birth certificates (OBCs) will be able to do so. Only a very small minority of first parents will object and file a veto.

But now the thought of such bad legislation makes us angry to contemplate. We have heard from adoptees who have been denied; we have heard from those who

Why adoption reform frustrates me

Daughter Jane and Lorraine, 1983

Because I have been part of the adoption reform movement since the mid-Seventies, and see how little progress has been made in the decades since, I am frustrated. In the Seventies, adopted individuals had full access to their original birth records in Kansas, Alabama* and I believe, Alaska. Oregon, New Hampshire, Maine, and, last year, Rhode Island followed suit. Several states in the meantime passed various legislation that still allowed another party--the biological parent--the right to control whether an adopted person may obtain his most vital document: proof of existence and parentage at the time of birth. Some states still even have adoptive parent right-of-refusal to grant this document to the individual to whom it pertains: the adopted person.

Amended birth certificates are basically falsified legal documents that perpetuate a lie for they are not a record of birth, they are a record of a "pretend" birth of a child to two people that child was not born to. When the laws that legalized such falsification were passed, from the Thirties and even into the Eighties, the claim was that it was done to "protect the integrity" of the adoptive family. If the